Day 1- Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything, but it should not be about you or your name
temples bow to her gracious stride
asking the gods to honor her favor
sacrifice their time
submit to her unchanging hand
invoke the very mystery behind the whites of her eyes
kindly beg for the touch of her lips
and ask of her things that they themselves would never dream of doing
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
the new 30 day poetry challenge
here i go again!
Day 1- Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything, but it should not be about you or your name.
Day 2- Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.
Day 3- Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.
Day 4- Write a haiku. They’re often about nature, but yours can be about anything.
Day 5- Write a three line poem about lemons without using the following words: lemon, yellow, round, fruit, citrus, tart, juicy, peel, and sour.
Day 6- Write a poem of any length incorporating every word from your latest Facebook status.
Day 7- Take a walk until you find a tree you identify with, then write a poem using the tree as a metaphor for yourself or your life.
Day 8- Write a cinquain on a topic of your choice.
Day 9- Quickly jot down four verbs, four adjectives, and four nouns. Write a poem using all 12 words.
Day 10- Pick a one line song lyric to serve as an epigraph to your poem. Then, write the poem to accompany it.
Day 11- Write a list poem.
Day 12- Tell your life story in 6 words.
Day 13- Write a short poem that a child would like.
Day 14- Write a bad poem, make it as lousy as you can, do everything wrong, let yourself be awful.
Day 15- Post a poem (written by someone else) that you love (for any reason).
Day 16- Respond to the poem you posted yesterday with a poem of your own.
Day 17- Write a poem that employs a rhyme scheme.
Day 18- Write a poem without any end rhyme, only internal rhyme.
Day 19- Imagine yourself doing any household task/chore, then write a poem using what you’ve imagined as an extended metaphor for writing.
Day 20- Write a narrative poem detailing a specific childhood memory.
Day 21- Choose one of the poems you’ve already written and posted as part of this challenge and re-order it in some way. You could rearrange the lines or stanzas or even words in a line. Think of it as a puzzle!
Day 22- What is the first car you bought/drove/remember? Write a poem about it.
Day 23- Write a seven line poem that begins with “it’s true that fresh air is good for the body” (from Frank O’Hara’s poem “Ave Maria”) and ends with “this is our body” (from Gary Snyder’s “The Bath”).
Day 24- Write a poem that’s different in some way from anything you’ve ever written. Take a chance! Be wild!
Day 25- Write a poem that includes all of the following words: pistachio, ink, pebble, weather, varnish.
Day 26- Gather some magazines/catalogs you don’t mind cutting up and spend ten minutes flipping through them looking for words/sentences that spark your interest. Cut out the words as you go, and (at the end of the ten minutes) arrange the words to form a cut-out poem.
Day 27- Begin with the title “The Poem I’d Never Write.” Then, write that poem.
Day 28- Visit a virtual art gallery and look around until you find a piece that intrigues you. Write a poem inspired by the artwork.
Day 29- Briefly research a poetic form of your choice and write a poem according to the rules of that particular form.
Day 30- Write a poem employing extended metaphor to illustrate the experience of the last thirty days
Day 1- Write a poem where each line starts with a letter from your first name (an acrostic). It can be about anything, but it should not be about you or your name.
Day 2- Who was the last person you texted? Write a five line poem to that person.
Day 3- Find the nearest book (of any kind). Turn to page 8. Use the first ten full words on the page in a poem. You may use them in any order, anywhere in the poem.
Day 4- Write a haiku. They’re often about nature, but yours can be about anything.
Day 5- Write a three line poem about lemons without using the following words: lemon, yellow, round, fruit, citrus, tart, juicy, peel, and sour.
Day 6- Write a poem of any length incorporating every word from your latest Facebook status.
Day 7- Take a walk until you find a tree you identify with, then write a poem using the tree as a metaphor for yourself or your life.
Day 8- Write a cinquain on a topic of your choice.
Day 9- Quickly jot down four verbs, four adjectives, and four nouns. Write a poem using all 12 words.
Day 10- Pick a one line song lyric to serve as an epigraph to your poem. Then, write the poem to accompany it.
Day 11- Write a list poem.
Day 12- Tell your life story in 6 words.
Day 13- Write a short poem that a child would like.
Day 14- Write a bad poem, make it as lousy as you can, do everything wrong, let yourself be awful.
Day 15- Post a poem (written by someone else) that you love (for any reason).
Day 16- Respond to the poem you posted yesterday with a poem of your own.
Day 17- Write a poem that employs a rhyme scheme.
Day 18- Write a poem without any end rhyme, only internal rhyme.
Day 19- Imagine yourself doing any household task/chore, then write a poem using what you’ve imagined as an extended metaphor for writing.
Day 20- Write a narrative poem detailing a specific childhood memory.
Day 21- Choose one of the poems you’ve already written and posted as part of this challenge and re-order it in some way. You could rearrange the lines or stanzas or even words in a line. Think of it as a puzzle!
Day 22- What is the first car you bought/drove/remember? Write a poem about it.
Day 23- Write a seven line poem that begins with “it’s true that fresh air is good for the body” (from Frank O’Hara’s poem “Ave Maria”) and ends with “this is our body” (from Gary Snyder’s “The Bath”).
Day 24- Write a poem that’s different in some way from anything you’ve ever written. Take a chance! Be wild!
Day 25- Write a poem that includes all of the following words: pistachio, ink, pebble, weather, varnish.
Day 26- Gather some magazines/catalogs you don’t mind cutting up and spend ten minutes flipping through them looking for words/sentences that spark your interest. Cut out the words as you go, and (at the end of the ten minutes) arrange the words to form a cut-out poem.
Day 27- Begin with the title “The Poem I’d Never Write.” Then, write that poem.
Day 28- Visit a virtual art gallery and look around until you find a piece that intrigues you. Write a poem inspired by the artwork.
Day 29- Briefly research a poetic form of your choice and write a poem according to the rules of that particular form.
Day 30- Write a poem employing extended metaphor to illustrate the experience of the last thirty days
i told y'all that you inspire me!
i have a cyber soulmate and she's pretty amazing. she is a huge supporter of my writing and there are days when i physically sit down at this computer because i feel like i owe her something. so in her honor, i'm going to give you the link to her blog ---> click here!
i don't think she knows that i even read her blog, but it's one of my favorites. there's something simple and very familiar about it, like your favorite meal that only your mom can make…so i love it. and as a special thank you for always shouting me out, i'll be participating in her 30 day poetry challenge…and you know i'm not too big a fan of poetry but therein lies the challenge.
so hi @dontmp3me and THANK YOU =)
i don't think she knows that i even read her blog, but it's one of my favorites. there's something simple and very familiar about it, like your favorite meal that only your mom can make…so i love it. and as a special thank you for always shouting me out, i'll be participating in her 30 day poetry challenge…and you know i'm not too big a fan of poetry but therein lies the challenge.
so hi @dontmp3me and THANK YOU =)
i don't believe in normal but...
i've heard myself referred to as 'the infamous T Lloyd'
and it's absolutely hilarious
despite this blog that i cherish and i adore, i'm a very private person
no really!
i'm really at my best when i'm all alone
and left to my own devices which include a macbook pro
anything can happen!
so i took this picture
i laugh a lot
i talk a lot
i practice writing a lot
and T Lloyd?
well she's just a girl who's allergic to every nut except pistachios…
i'm not invincible
i'm not a mini celebrity
i'm not everyone's best friend
i'm one lover, mother and woman
i'm not a doll you leave on the top shelf to collect dust and earn the right to be called vintage or antique
i'm worth much more if you just took the time to hold me.
now ya know
if you're wondering if i'm talking about a person i'm currently dealing with or most recently dealing with, i'm not.
it took me years to figure out my last two relationships so there's just no possible way that i've wrapped my head around current events. and i don't have a bitter bone in my body. if i want to talk about my pain, that's just me trying to understand it, not relive it. i refuse to be confined in my own weakness because some people can only see a black woman as angry. you know who was an angry black woman? rosa parks. but me? i'm not angry. have i felt that emotion before? of course. but it's not the ONLY emotion i've felt.
i'll tell you this. i'm happy with my decisions and their names are…let me shut up. they taught me wonderful things about myself and the world i was living in. even though they cut deep, it was only a reminded that i am a woman of depth. and i would rather drown in my own depth than to never be able to grow in my own shallow mind.
it took me years to figure out my last two relationships so there's just no possible way that i've wrapped my head around current events. and i don't have a bitter bone in my body. if i want to talk about my pain, that's just me trying to understand it, not relive it. i refuse to be confined in my own weakness because some people can only see a black woman as angry. you know who was an angry black woman? rosa parks. but me? i'm not angry. have i felt that emotion before? of course. but it's not the ONLY emotion i've felt.
i'll tell you this. i'm happy with my decisions and their names are…let me shut up. they taught me wonderful things about myself and the world i was living in. even though they cut deep, it was only a reminded that i am a woman of depth. and i would rather drown in my own depth than to never be able to grow in my own shallow mind.
it ends where the questions start
i blogged about this song but emotions have brought me here again. revisit if you need a refresher.
the ex boyfriend
i'm afraid that one day you will have a beautiful wife and i'll still be sifting through pounds of available men trying to find one that makes me feel the way u did. and sometimes i want you to say 'thank you.' you wouldn't be with her if i didn't step out of the way. you wouldn't be with her if i had made a scene, if i fought, if i told her the things you told me. but yet and still that doesn't change anything. and i am still bothered that you can carry on with things i gave you meanwhile, i'm stuck with the things you left behind.
sometimes i want to know where you found her and where you found the time to love her. i want to know how you could love her with the same love that i loved you with. i know it gets confusing but there's so many emotions that happen when a relationship ends, possibly more than when you're actually in the relationship. i'm just trying to have a sense of faith for the future even though you kinda shattered that in the past. and don't think for a second that i don't believe in love anymore because i know love exists, sh.t i loved you so i KNOW! but i'm just concerned about how far love will carry me, because if i knew that then i'd know how much of my baggage to leave behind.
the ex boyfriend
i'm afraid that one day you will have a beautiful wife and i'll still be sifting through pounds of available men trying to find one that makes me feel the way u did. and sometimes i want you to say 'thank you.' you wouldn't be with her if i didn't step out of the way. you wouldn't be with her if i had made a scene, if i fought, if i told her the things you told me. but yet and still that doesn't change anything. and i am still bothered that you can carry on with things i gave you meanwhile, i'm stuck with the things you left behind.
sometimes i want to know where you found her and where you found the time to love her. i want to know how you could love her with the same love that i loved you with. i know it gets confusing but there's so many emotions that happen when a relationship ends, possibly more than when you're actually in the relationship. i'm just trying to have a sense of faith for the future even though you kinda shattered that in the past. and don't think for a second that i don't believe in love anymore because i know love exists, sh.t i loved you so i KNOW! but i'm just concerned about how far love will carry me, because if i knew that then i'd know how much of my baggage to leave behind.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
tell her
she was twenty two, young, full of life, naive, the type of twenty two that couldn't understand her scars. she was only twenty two, living for more people than she could afford... this is her story, be kind to her
i found a condom wrapper
and it wasn't mine
the bed felt like a ton of bricks in four walls not big enough, not strong enough, not hard enough to hold me back
the room started getting real dizzy like roller coasters to old women and little girls
the nausea that woke me up had finally settled back into that dark place where only bright candles were brave enough to go
my legs wobbled over to the dresser and i leaned on it just to get some balance
just to stop spinning for a moment
and that's when i felt the vibration of her thoughts
the bright light looked up at me and i looked at it
never intrigued by his phone before
never really noticed his phone before
but here it was three am and she had something to say
and him and i had shared everything except her
so i scrolled through countless conversations
where he called her what he calls me and told her about his days
days that he spent with me but so casually left out in his brand new accounts from a single man
i could hear her concern through her her fonts
she was worried when he was sick and he was thankful
but had he thanked me for taking care of him?
i wonder how she thought he got better
there's nothing my warm thighs and soft hands couldn't fix
she even asked about his birthday and he said he didn't do much
i never realized that i wasn't much to do
and they spoke, day in and day out about days that didn't include me
but i was there
i remember because i have two years of memories to prove it
i have keys to prove it
i have the tattoo to prove it
so i sat there, numb as hell tears rolling down my face watching him sleep
watching him dream of her
i sat there
wondering how you start over when you didn't even know you were finished
i rocked back and forth looking at the condom wrapper
looking at him
looking at the phone
all three culprits to my own madness
the trinity of a salvation i didn't know i was looking for
the trinity of a salvation i didn't know i was looking for
and then i went to go throw up
but even your soul has limitations
and sometimes you ingest things that you cannot digest
so i hovered over that toilet bowl still dizzy from the world spinning around me but without me
i pressed the cold rag to my neck
felt the tension in my shoulders
the cramp in my belly
the tiles on my knees
i felt the wind creep through me like corn fields on sunny afternoons
blowing pieces of me away just to spread myself too thin
i eventually stood up and got dressed, tapped him to tell him to lock the door
just in case i felt stupid enough to come back, please don't let me in
and he had the nerve to be angry …
i was so numb i couldn't even laugh at the audacity of the man before me, of the man inside of me, of the man that even when i left i would still be carrying him with me, i couldn't even laugh at how much of a joke he was
tell her how today goes
tell her that you woke up in the middle of the night trying to make sense out of something so wrong
tell her that condom wrappers are truth serums to pregnant women
tell her that had i gone through your phone like you went through me then maybe we would have found a truth deeper than toilet bowls with my tears, a truth deeper than a woman's womb, a truth deeper than the hole two friends fall into that they think is love
tell her that i exist
that i am not a figment of her imagination
that i have manifested pieces of you that will never see the light of day because of the darkness you insist on bringing me into
tell her that i loved you, even when i didn't know you
and tell her that your birthday was amazing because of me, because of us
because it wasn't just another day you were alive but because i gave you something to live for
tell her that as much as you share yourself with her it is of no significance, because even the devil gets around
tell her that an angel loved you
tell her that angels multiply
and where she will stand for you bullish.t, this angel will fly
tell her
and i walked out with him chasing behind me and her chasing behind him
not exactly the threesome you think of
but before i got into my car with him standing there, screaming at me to come back inside
i whispered…
this was already a threesome without her
flawless
when i first heard Beyonce's album '4' she sounded so in love. she sounded happy. i watched her performances and i was blown away. this was a different Beyonce. she was glowing with this album. i've always liked her work and admired her success but i wouldn't consider myself a fan till this last project. her success is mind boggling. she's simply amazing.
but what i love most is this unspoken energy between her and her husband Jay Z. i posted a video a few weeks ago where he recorded her singing 1+1 in her dressing room. even from his vantage point, you could see that he was in awe of her and this performance solidified it for me. Beyonce is not only wearing her wedding ring for this performance, she sings from DEEP in her gut and she has tears in her eyes the entire time. the way her husband looks at her with his own tears is mesmerizing. he loves his wife and they share a moment that their fans will never forget.
oh and one more thing…if you ever listened to her song "Countdown," she says 'trying to make 3 out this 2 cuz he's still the 1. mission accomplished. congrats to the couple.
the relationship i'm not in
i'm not in a relationship because i haven't heard someone talk about me they way i write about love (with the exception of my ex). no one counts my eyelashes or tells me that the curve of my collarbone is beautiful. he doesn't send me good night texts that i can fall asleep to and wake up with the smell of him in my dreams. sometimes he won't even return a text. even if i am on the list of his priorities, there are no hearts around my name. it's not highlighted and there's no exclamation point to remind him that i'm always his something to do. i don't know a man that makes me curve my knuckles to hug his. i don't know a man that says my name like he gave it to me 25 summers ago in a warm, hospital room like he's seeing me for the first time. i don't know a man who gives me laugh lines more than frowning wrinkles. i don't know a man that would trade his mahogany complexion for the color of clouds just so that he can blush when he feels like my smile is the sun. i don't know a man that looks at me from across the room so intensely that i want to take a picture and frame it for the days i feel invisible. i don't know a man that appreciates how i moved out of my comfort zone just to be closer to him. i don't know a man that believes sometimes i am my own biggest joke. and i wish i knew a man that wouldn't be so quick to fix things but much slower to break them. i'm not in a relationship because words aren't as consoling as sex, because going above and beyond is an expectation and no longer a surprise, because i don't believe in living in the shadows of ex girlfriends and mothers that should have hugged you more. i'm not in a relationship because i believe that love and action are sometimes one and the same and we may not show it but that doesn't mean you forget. i don't know a man that has enough faith to know that no other man matters. i don't know a man that hasn't kept me up sitting by the window looking for his car, like my mother used to look for my father's. i haven't heard a man say that he loves me so easily that he rolls off his tongue like his own name. i don't know that man. i don't know if there's a man like that out there looking out of his window waiting for my car to pull up and help with my bags. i don't know if there is a man that has memorized each curve to me like the highways that lead to his house, like the walkway to his bathroom in the dark, like the signature that spills from his fingertips. i don't know if there's a man that knows that i'm worth knowing. so i'm not in a relationship. i'm not looking for love. i'm not hoping for a prince charming to come wake me from underneath the spell of cynicism. i am not a woman of bitter taste and sorrowful lips. i just don't know the man that is supposed to change my life by staying in it.
i'm not in a relationship because maybe there was someone there with his arms wide open waiting for me to jump but never understood how afraid i am of heights. i don't know if he's out there or somewhere close, because he's never told me.
i'm not in a relationship because maybe there was someone there with his arms wide open waiting for me to jump but never understood how afraid i am of heights. i don't know if he's out there or somewhere close, because he's never told me.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
ownership.
everybody is entitled to their opinion. you are not entitled to give a f.ck. i say that because i've heard so many things about myself from people that don't know me and from people that actually do and i can't tell you how much of it is simply not true. some of these people are not being malicious, that's just their perception and if you let someone's perception of you become you, you get lost. i remember saying things that i wasn't necessarily feeling. i was almost repeating what someone had told me they thought i was feeling. i really had to dig deep within myself to ask, "Tass, what are YOU feeling?" and sometimes, i didn't like the answer because the part of me that is realistic knew that some feelings were nothing but recipes for disaster but nonetheless, that's what i was feeling and i learned to own that.
i'm not perfect but i am not delusional. thank God for that.
i'm not perfect but i am not delusional. thank God for that.
getting back together?
i have an ex boyfriend who is quite possibly the most brilliant man i've ever met. i've blogged about him before a few times. now, he broke my heart and let him tell it, i broke his but whatever the case may be, now that we're both older and wiser, we still speak from time to time. if you believe in soul mates, then he would fit the description. now before i even ask this next question, let me just say for the record, that we hurt each other. no one person is a victim, but we are talking about a particular offense - cheating, which he did.
now, i do believe that no one is perfect and committing a wrong in a relationship doesn't (always) make you a bad person and it doesn't take the worth from your relationship. (i'm only talking for my ex here, some situations are completely different) anyway, he can still be considered my best friend even if i don't use that option for whatever reason. i also believe that my love is unconditional and i have recently learned how to love from a distance. now some will say that i hold on to my exes like roses pressed in a journal. that's not exactly the case. i just mean it when i say i love you and when you build relationships off of a friendship, there's a lot more responsibility and maturity that comes along with that. sometimes you can't be with a person romantically but if and when you get through the hurt and the pain, if that person was a genuine friend and you have no intention of getting back with them (especially if you are seeing someone else) i don't think you can't be friends. the issue is when you're rushing to be friends again without overcoming the hurt of being more than that.
i used to feel like i owed my friends explanations as to why i kept in contact with my exes but then i realized that some of the people i was explaining to had never been in relationships like mine and had never gone through what i had gone through. (side note, with the exclusion of my daughter's father, i only have and i'm only discussing two legitimate exes). this man, in particular was a huge part of my life and he made a bad decision by cheating on me. period. that's not debatable. now supposedly, i didn't get back with him because i was afraid of what other people thought. i've been thinking about that theory for a while now and i can honestly say that it's bullsh.t i love my friends but they have it wrong, most of the time when it comes to translating my feelings they do but i love them no less. i'm not afraid of what people would think if i got back with someone that cheated on me. the real truth is that the pain was overbearing and overwhelming. i was completely knocked off my feet. and i actually did try to make it work despite what anyone might have thought. i was just in too much pain. i couldn't even see my way out of it. i remember one day in particular i was cutting onions and tears were falling and he told me that he would finish cutting them for me so my eyes could get a break. i looked up at him and said, 'even if i wasn't cutting these onions, i'd still be crying.' he looked at me so hurt and so disappointed that what we had broken was beyond the point of fixing.
i was devastated. (not to say he wasn't but i'm talking about my perspective right now) i cried walking to class. i cried doing laundry. i cried brushing my teeth. i cried putting on my shoes. i cried myself to sleep. i cried when i woke up. i was a mess and not so much because of the physical act of cheating but the lying and the betrayal. nothing made sense, nothing felt real anymore. and when you make someone your hero, it's hard to find out that you're not living in a fairytale. i'll tell you right now though, we didn't end things because i was afraid of what people thought. i'm not. people can't even fathom how amazing of a person he is and how one mistake doesn't change that for me. back then, cheating was the end all, be all obviously even after you make an attempt to work through it, for your ego or out of habit but now i'm really grasping the humanity of others. we make mistakes. we fall down. we make bad decisions but if it's one thing i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know that he loves me, maybe more than anyone else on this planet. i would put my life on that. i think knowing that is way bigger than a bad decision. it's way more comforting to any pain that was caused. and i feel like if you know someone loves you in the capacity in which i mentioned, anything is possible, even getting back together. love is about forgiveness and i'm smart enough (now, not then) to know that i shouldn't pick and choose which parts of my love are most convenient for the people that i love. if i would sit here and die for you then i need to learn how to live with you through the good and the bad. i'm not saying be a doormat, i'm just saying that unconditional love is way more spiritual and way more divine than we give it credit for.
even with the forgiveness and not worrying about what anyone has to say, the reason why we're not together is because there are still major trust issues that we haven't decided to work on. part of forgiveness is rebuilding and you can't rebuild before you're ready. i had to heal, i had to learn to believe in love again. i had to step back and wrap my head around what happened. i had to focus on healing and i can say that, whether we ever get back together or not, i learned how to forgive and i'm so proud that i took the time and the space to do that. i am so glad that i didn't force myself to get back with him and pretend i felt things that i didn't. i was grown enough to say 'this hurts' and 'i need out.' i heard someone say that 'men don't know how to say goodbye and women don't know when." learn when to say 'when.'
i'm not saying you should hold on to your exes like pressed roses in journals but i am saying that we're human and a part of recognizing that is knowing that our youth is puzzling. you will make mistakes and so will other people. that doesn't always mean that you cross them out of your life. some people will do more good than harm, but when you're in the midst of that harm, it definitely clouds your sense of ratio. but despite that, i have two legitimate exes and at one point, i'm pretty sure i hated them. but now looking back, bruised but not broken, they were amazing people who made one significant bad decision. it doesn't take away from the years of friendship and just because we don't want to be together, that doesn't mean that we can't find a cordial middle ground. that's what love is - knowing your boundaries and still knowing when to leap.
now, i do believe that no one is perfect and committing a wrong in a relationship doesn't (always) make you a bad person and it doesn't take the worth from your relationship. (i'm only talking for my ex here, some situations are completely different) anyway, he can still be considered my best friend even if i don't use that option for whatever reason. i also believe that my love is unconditional and i have recently learned how to love from a distance. now some will say that i hold on to my exes like roses pressed in a journal. that's not exactly the case. i just mean it when i say i love you and when you build relationships off of a friendship, there's a lot more responsibility and maturity that comes along with that. sometimes you can't be with a person romantically but if and when you get through the hurt and the pain, if that person was a genuine friend and you have no intention of getting back with them (especially if you are seeing someone else) i don't think you can't be friends. the issue is when you're rushing to be friends again without overcoming the hurt of being more than that.
i used to feel like i owed my friends explanations as to why i kept in contact with my exes but then i realized that some of the people i was explaining to had never been in relationships like mine and had never gone through what i had gone through. (side note, with the exclusion of my daughter's father, i only have and i'm only discussing two legitimate exes). this man, in particular was a huge part of my life and he made a bad decision by cheating on me. period. that's not debatable. now supposedly, i didn't get back with him because i was afraid of what other people thought. i've been thinking about that theory for a while now and i can honestly say that it's bullsh.t i love my friends but they have it wrong, most of the time when it comes to translating my feelings they do but i love them no less. i'm not afraid of what people would think if i got back with someone that cheated on me. the real truth is that the pain was overbearing and overwhelming. i was completely knocked off my feet. and i actually did try to make it work despite what anyone might have thought. i was just in too much pain. i couldn't even see my way out of it. i remember one day in particular i was cutting onions and tears were falling and he told me that he would finish cutting them for me so my eyes could get a break. i looked up at him and said, 'even if i wasn't cutting these onions, i'd still be crying.' he looked at me so hurt and so disappointed that what we had broken was beyond the point of fixing.
i was devastated. (not to say he wasn't but i'm talking about my perspective right now) i cried walking to class. i cried doing laundry. i cried brushing my teeth. i cried putting on my shoes. i cried myself to sleep. i cried when i woke up. i was a mess and not so much because of the physical act of cheating but the lying and the betrayal. nothing made sense, nothing felt real anymore. and when you make someone your hero, it's hard to find out that you're not living in a fairytale. i'll tell you right now though, we didn't end things because i was afraid of what people thought. i'm not. people can't even fathom how amazing of a person he is and how one mistake doesn't change that for me. back then, cheating was the end all, be all obviously even after you make an attempt to work through it, for your ego or out of habit but now i'm really grasping the humanity of others. we make mistakes. we fall down. we make bad decisions but if it's one thing i know beyond a shadow of a doubt, i know that he loves me, maybe more than anyone else on this planet. i would put my life on that. i think knowing that is way bigger than a bad decision. it's way more comforting to any pain that was caused. and i feel like if you know someone loves you in the capacity in which i mentioned, anything is possible, even getting back together. love is about forgiveness and i'm smart enough (now, not then) to know that i shouldn't pick and choose which parts of my love are most convenient for the people that i love. if i would sit here and die for you then i need to learn how to live with you through the good and the bad. i'm not saying be a doormat, i'm just saying that unconditional love is way more spiritual and way more divine than we give it credit for.
even with the forgiveness and not worrying about what anyone has to say, the reason why we're not together is because there are still major trust issues that we haven't decided to work on. part of forgiveness is rebuilding and you can't rebuild before you're ready. i had to heal, i had to learn to believe in love again. i had to step back and wrap my head around what happened. i had to focus on healing and i can say that, whether we ever get back together or not, i learned how to forgive and i'm so proud that i took the time and the space to do that. i am so glad that i didn't force myself to get back with him and pretend i felt things that i didn't. i was grown enough to say 'this hurts' and 'i need out.' i heard someone say that 'men don't know how to say goodbye and women don't know when." learn when to say 'when.'
i'm not saying you should hold on to your exes like pressed roses in journals but i am saying that we're human and a part of recognizing that is knowing that our youth is puzzling. you will make mistakes and so will other people. that doesn't always mean that you cross them out of your life. some people will do more good than harm, but when you're in the midst of that harm, it definitely clouds your sense of ratio. but despite that, i have two legitimate exes and at one point, i'm pretty sure i hated them. but now looking back, bruised but not broken, they were amazing people who made one significant bad decision. it doesn't take away from the years of friendship and just because we don't want to be together, that doesn't mean that we can't find a cordial middle ground. that's what love is - knowing your boundaries and still knowing when to leap.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
how much is too much
so, i was flipping through some gossip blogs today, shame on me. i came across pictures of kim kardashian's wedding to kris humphries. would you let the press videotape your wedding? now, if someone asked me that i'm saying "hell to the no." i don't even have an album on Facebook so what do i know about putting my business on front street? i have yet to see the allure of putting personal pictures and videos up for people that you aren't really personal with. have i cruised through people's photos giggling at the audacity of engagements of cheating spouses? of course i have but the idea of someone having pictures of me, my vacations, my child, my significant other, my family - that is a bit much. i would feel like i'm giving pieces of my life to strangers.
now, not too far back, i actually posted pictures of me, my newborn and i even have a page of pictures of close friends that are under the 'inspiration' tab. even that was a giant step for me, but because i feel that it's easier to relate to a writer that you feel like you know, i used those photos for some of you to get to know me. do i still feel weird about it? uh yea! it seems awkward. i've realized that just because i think photos of my family and friends are sacred, some people don't. it doesn't matter who sees them. i just know that some people aren't going to be happy for you and some people don't want the best for you and even though it's unfortunate, that's a good reason to keep some things to yourself. keep some things sacred. if you cherish something, why would you let everyone else have access to it? i applaud people that can put their personal pictures everywhere but i'm just not there yet.
and my wedding? the most romantic day of my life. nope. not everybody is entitled to that and my love is too sacred to be someone's entertainment. though, it must be nice to have all of your pictures as memories in a magazine spread, i still want to save some for our children. i want a sense of mystery, a sense of allure. i want something that my husband and i can laugh about years later and it be just between us. i can do without the speculation and the hoopla…let's just get married!
now, not too far back, i actually posted pictures of me, my newborn and i even have a page of pictures of close friends that are under the 'inspiration' tab. even that was a giant step for me, but because i feel that it's easier to relate to a writer that you feel like you know, i used those photos for some of you to get to know me. do i still feel weird about it? uh yea! it seems awkward. i've realized that just because i think photos of my family and friends are sacred, some people don't. it doesn't matter who sees them. i just know that some people aren't going to be happy for you and some people don't want the best for you and even though it's unfortunate, that's a good reason to keep some things to yourself. keep some things sacred. if you cherish something, why would you let everyone else have access to it? i applaud people that can put their personal pictures everywhere but i'm just not there yet.
and my wedding? the most romantic day of my life. nope. not everybody is entitled to that and my love is too sacred to be someone's entertainment. though, it must be nice to have all of your pictures as memories in a magazine spread, i still want to save some for our children. i want a sense of mystery, a sense of allure. i want something that my husband and i can laugh about years later and it be just between us. i can do without the speculation and the hoopla…let's just get married!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
the ride of my life
have you heard the hoopla? it's my birthday! and that's pretty amazing. being able to speak with 25 years behind me gives me a comfortable throne with plenty of room to grow. everybody wants to know what i'm doing and i'm actually babysitting my niece and nephew who are 4 year old twins. that's the coolest gift i've gotten lately. in fact, she just asked me how old i am and i just replied "OLD!" and for all she knows, i am. she's been looking up at me for her entire life. in her mind, she is young and i am old. but more so than her perception of me, today i recognize what she represents.
yesterday, i was babbling to one of my friends that i felt like i had nothing to show for these 25 years except for a Coach bag (i ain't got no class...in my Camron voice), some stretch marks and more loans than lessons. but i'm looking at these children in amazement and especially missing my own (who's on vacation - apparently when you're young, your vacation is all expense paid).
so i started thinking, the only way i can appreciate what i've been given is to understand and admit who i am.
growing up, i struggled with things i couldn't understand until i was much older. learned that some family ain't family at all and started building love from the ground up and not from the blood in my veins. i had to understand that titles were for everyone but me, identifying measures to explain a list of expectations and responsibilities. mothers were supposed to be your style icon and best friend, fathers were supposed to interrogate your first boyfriend, brothers were supposed to fight him and sisters were supposed to stay up late with you talking about him. but i never knew a mother, a father, a brother or a sister that embodied any of those things. i saw grown women jealous of little girls. mothers vying for the attention of a man unwilling to share the spotlight with his daughter. i can only imagine how hard it is to love a man who loves someone else, never mind the someone else being the person you gave him from your own womb. i know a man who lost both of his parents before he turned thirteen and hasn't loved since, not because he doesn't want to but more so because he doesn't know how. i used to ask God to change the way i looked so people would stop staring at me instead of my sister. my black eyes, these big brown eyes and that milky complexion that had my mother looking more like my nanny. it wasn't that i hated what i saw in the mirror, i hated what everyone else saw. looking at me like a sideshow monkey wondering when did 'black' girls start making babies that didn't look as 'black' as them. i wanted to blend in with 'black' girls, my 'black' sisters until i realized that there was nothing 'black' about us. we were in america as foreigners but america was foreign to us. we were west indians, displaced africans with spanish grandparents, white uncles and indian aunts. it was hard to look 'black' when your 'blackness' depended on your geography and because we had been moved around so much, we could never achieve the solidarity of american black because we were pieces of different nations tied together. so i gave up on looking 'black.' i stopped feeling like i owed this country an explanation for a culture they were so vehemently denied and i started feeling comfortable in my skin. it wasn't that i didn't identify myself as 'black' but rather, i was not limited to being 'black.' nonetheless, growing up on the equator between the ghetto and paradise leaves many a girl questioning her self worth and her value. and i did, plenty of times. i would meet great guys and tell myself that he couldn't want me because i'm just a girl from the south bronx and even further than that, i'm just a girl from a third world country. girls from those places never grew up to be cinderella so i eventually psyched myself out to believe that prince charming would never be able to find me and if by the off chance that he did, four white mice would never be four white horses for him to ride off into the sunset on.
then i found myself suffocating through school. i dove into my school books because i was lucky enough to have that opportunity, not because i loved school. i was disinterested much of the time but i still managed to get A's without a lot of effort. i can't even tell you how many times my mother was called in because my work was too advanced, my responses were too intelligent and my final product was much too wise for my youth. instead of feeling flattered, i was always offended. i tried to figure out what it was about me that spelled out 'dumb' for other people. and then i realized that being attractive to other people meant that being intelligent was unlikely. so i stopped talking about school altogether. if you happened to find out i was smart, then so be it, but i would never talk about doing homework, studying or the fact that i got a 96% on the new york state english regents which was so unbelievable that i was forced to take it twice and the second time, i scored higher with a 97%.
moved on to college and found myself in arms of men i just didn't understand. figured it was easier to go through the motions than try to convince everyone that when i said i didn't give a f.ck that i meant it. eventually i realized that sex was not something to be done but part of someone to love but that was after a baby. and let me just tell you, that deciding to sacrifice your own youth for a spirit the size of a bean doesn't make you mother theresa, it just makes you a hoe apparently. but i digress, i brought my child forth into this world not as a consequence of my actions but as a miracle. she was that 2% that made all the difference and even when i felt stoned for it, there should be no rock bigger than the one you stand on. needless to say, whether it was taking my baby to class with me or letting her go so i could finish school, i accomplished what i set out to do and what people said i couldn't - by any means necessary. was it easy? no but it was necessary.
but while she was gone, growing and learning, i was doing the same thing. i was learning how to love the new me i had become. i was learning the relevance of sex and how it impacted my life specifically. it wasn't until i became a woman that i realized no two women are the same. someone else's formula for happiness might be my recipe for disaster so i stopped wanting the unhealthy things, i started chipping away at the things and the people that didn't make me happy and i learned not to apologize for it. eventually i walked across the stage realizing that i had done a lot of growing up in philadelphia. i did a lot of loving, a lot of hating and realized how to find a balance.
so if i die tomorrow at 25 and 3 days old, they can say that i took my time, that i wrote from my soul and i learned how to feel whole by collecting my broken pieces.
yesterday, i was babbling to one of my friends that i felt like i had nothing to show for these 25 years except for a Coach bag (i ain't got no class...in my Camron voice), some stretch marks and more loans than lessons. but i'm looking at these children in amazement and especially missing my own (who's on vacation - apparently when you're young, your vacation is all expense paid).
so i started thinking, the only way i can appreciate what i've been given is to understand and admit who i am.
growing up, i struggled with things i couldn't understand until i was much older. learned that some family ain't family at all and started building love from the ground up and not from the blood in my veins. i had to understand that titles were for everyone but me, identifying measures to explain a list of expectations and responsibilities. mothers were supposed to be your style icon and best friend, fathers were supposed to interrogate your first boyfriend, brothers were supposed to fight him and sisters were supposed to stay up late with you talking about him. but i never knew a mother, a father, a brother or a sister that embodied any of those things. i saw grown women jealous of little girls. mothers vying for the attention of a man unwilling to share the spotlight with his daughter. i can only imagine how hard it is to love a man who loves someone else, never mind the someone else being the person you gave him from your own womb. i know a man who lost both of his parents before he turned thirteen and hasn't loved since, not because he doesn't want to but more so because he doesn't know how. i used to ask God to change the way i looked so people would stop staring at me instead of my sister. my black eyes, these big brown eyes and that milky complexion that had my mother looking more like my nanny. it wasn't that i hated what i saw in the mirror, i hated what everyone else saw. looking at me like a sideshow monkey wondering when did 'black' girls start making babies that didn't look as 'black' as them. i wanted to blend in with 'black' girls, my 'black' sisters until i realized that there was nothing 'black' about us. we were in america as foreigners but america was foreign to us. we were west indians, displaced africans with spanish grandparents, white uncles and indian aunts. it was hard to look 'black' when your 'blackness' depended on your geography and because we had been moved around so much, we could never achieve the solidarity of american black because we were pieces of different nations tied together. so i gave up on looking 'black.' i stopped feeling like i owed this country an explanation for a culture they were so vehemently denied and i started feeling comfortable in my skin. it wasn't that i didn't identify myself as 'black' but rather, i was not limited to being 'black.' nonetheless, growing up on the equator between the ghetto and paradise leaves many a girl questioning her self worth and her value. and i did, plenty of times. i would meet great guys and tell myself that he couldn't want me because i'm just a girl from the south bronx and even further than that, i'm just a girl from a third world country. girls from those places never grew up to be cinderella so i eventually psyched myself out to believe that prince charming would never be able to find me and if by the off chance that he did, four white mice would never be four white horses for him to ride off into the sunset on.
then i found myself suffocating through school. i dove into my school books because i was lucky enough to have that opportunity, not because i loved school. i was disinterested much of the time but i still managed to get A's without a lot of effort. i can't even tell you how many times my mother was called in because my work was too advanced, my responses were too intelligent and my final product was much too wise for my youth. instead of feeling flattered, i was always offended. i tried to figure out what it was about me that spelled out 'dumb' for other people. and then i realized that being attractive to other people meant that being intelligent was unlikely. so i stopped talking about school altogether. if you happened to find out i was smart, then so be it, but i would never talk about doing homework, studying or the fact that i got a 96% on the new york state english regents which was so unbelievable that i was forced to take it twice and the second time, i scored higher with a 97%.
moved on to college and found myself in arms of men i just didn't understand. figured it was easier to go through the motions than try to convince everyone that when i said i didn't give a f.ck that i meant it. eventually i realized that sex was not something to be done but part of someone to love but that was after a baby. and let me just tell you, that deciding to sacrifice your own youth for a spirit the size of a bean doesn't make you mother theresa, it just makes you a hoe apparently. but i digress, i brought my child forth into this world not as a consequence of my actions but as a miracle. she was that 2% that made all the difference and even when i felt stoned for it, there should be no rock bigger than the one you stand on. needless to say, whether it was taking my baby to class with me or letting her go so i could finish school, i accomplished what i set out to do and what people said i couldn't - by any means necessary. was it easy? no but it was necessary.
but while she was gone, growing and learning, i was doing the same thing. i was learning how to love the new me i had become. i was learning the relevance of sex and how it impacted my life specifically. it wasn't until i became a woman that i realized no two women are the same. someone else's formula for happiness might be my recipe for disaster so i stopped wanting the unhealthy things, i started chipping away at the things and the people that didn't make me happy and i learned not to apologize for it. eventually i walked across the stage realizing that i had done a lot of growing up in philadelphia. i did a lot of loving, a lot of hating and realized how to find a balance.
so if i die tomorrow at 25 and 3 days old, they can say that i took my time, that i wrote from my soul and i learned how to feel whole by collecting my broken pieces.
Monday, August 22, 2011
love the craft
so i have been listening to different versions of frank ocean's 'thinking about you' and i came across a new talent…@ms_she and i have spent hours watching this singer and another named Grizzy. you'll see him on her blog. are you as impressed as i am!?
too many cups of wine
i arched my back and split my spine into bending into your will
curved myself into something you could tolerate, something you could understand
something you could love
twisted myself into shapes you could fold into the palm of your hands
throw it in the air
and inhale it like smoke from the chimney of the ashes of the woman i used to be
you asked for effort and i built it
i made you breakfast
fried eggs, toast and a cup of tea
meanwhile i had you for breakfast
taking in every inch of you only to stay hungry
still unfulfilled
still empty with the woulda, coulda, shouldas
and when you smacked me in the sensitive part of my thighs, you didn't smack me hard enough to face reality
it's amazing how deep a man can cut you when he's too busy being shallow
i should have known though
my sex bled emotions i didn't know i was feeling
down to the white meat so smooth and so fast that i didn't even realize i was wounded
but you keep asking me for effort
i have screamed from the top of my lungs that i would give you my last breath
but since you haven't needed it, i haven't had the chance to make good on my word
and you think i write well so my words fall off my shoulders like my black hair when you pull it
but when will you learn that my talent comes from a love deeper than the nails in the foot of your savior?
when will you learn that you tasted my love from the apex of my thighs?
when will you learn that i tasted your love when i welcomed you into my soul?
when will you learn that i don't say i love you nearly as much as i show you?
i have your name tattooed on my wrist just to reiterate the hold you have on me, the shackles you have on me
but you will never know
i could never give you my strength because i've already loved you at my weakest
driven to the edge by the force you so desperately hold on to
you are lost, driven by your ego and molded by your pride
but ego doesn't swallow your potential like i do and your pride has never made your eyes roll in the back of your head
and today as you told me how good i felt, i thought to myself that you are only coming inside of me to leave
i will love you later.
curved myself into something you could tolerate, something you could understand
something you could love
twisted myself into shapes you could fold into the palm of your hands
throw it in the air
and inhale it like smoke from the chimney of the ashes of the woman i used to be
you asked for effort and i built it
i made you breakfast
fried eggs, toast and a cup of tea
meanwhile i had you for breakfast
taking in every inch of you only to stay hungry
still unfulfilled
still empty with the woulda, coulda, shouldas
and when you smacked me in the sensitive part of my thighs, you didn't smack me hard enough to face reality
it's amazing how deep a man can cut you when he's too busy being shallow
i should have known though
my sex bled emotions i didn't know i was feeling
down to the white meat so smooth and so fast that i didn't even realize i was wounded
but you keep asking me for effort
i have screamed from the top of my lungs that i would give you my last breath
but since you haven't needed it, i haven't had the chance to make good on my word
and you think i write well so my words fall off my shoulders like my black hair when you pull it
but when will you learn that my talent comes from a love deeper than the nails in the foot of your savior?
when will you learn that you tasted my love from the apex of my thighs?
when will you learn that i tasted your love when i welcomed you into my soul?
when will you learn that i don't say i love you nearly as much as i show you?
i have your name tattooed on my wrist just to reiterate the hold you have on me, the shackles you have on me
but you will never know
i could never give you my strength because i've already loved you at my weakest
driven to the edge by the force you so desperately hold on to
you are lost, driven by your ego and molded by your pride
but ego doesn't swallow your potential like i do and your pride has never made your eyes roll in the back of your head
and today as you told me how good i felt, i thought to myself that you are only coming inside of me to leave
i will love you later.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
he's cute and all but….eh.
have i ever told y'all that it's very hard for me to like a guy? once i know you and we're friends, then it's not that hard but if i'm just meeting you with no prior history, getting me to like you is like making me drink water…NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, unless my mother's giving me the evil eye. my friends tell me all the time, you're texting him, you like him. UM NO. it takes way more than some text messages to accomplish that. in fact, if he stopped texting me tomorrow, i would be perfectly fine with that. but someone i like? you text/call/email/gchat/skype/facetime me every day and then you don't? nah playa. i'm gonna pout my bottom lip and convince myself that maybe you're just busy to stop myself from driving myself insane with reasons as to why you may not like me anymore.
first of all, i think liking someone takes an insane amount of concentration and vulnerability. wait, before i continue, let me say this, i do NOT use the term "LIKE" loosely. i've never been boy crazy so liking someone means something to me. i don't know what it means to you, but liking someone means i see something in you and if you act right, i'll want something for US. i digress. you have to really pay attention to someone to like them. do you know their favorite food? what's their mama name? you still think he's cute without a haircut? you'll cook for him, that's cute but will he cook for you? what are his flaws? are they tolerable? do you like the words that come out of his mouth? furthermore, do those words make sense? what are his goals in life? if one of them is owning a chicken shack, are you willing to help him season some drumsticks? maybe i think too much but i hate the feeling of liking someone so i like to get it right if i do and i like to know that the person is worth it.
now can i entertain and flirt with someone i don't like? yes. it's called practice. don't think for a second that your charm is just going to get better with age. if you don't use it, you'll lose it. if you want to be good at anything, whether it's conversation or cooking, you have to practice. and why do i practice? because one day there's going to be a guy that's going to take my breath away and whenever i catch my breath, i better have something to say that doesn't include a stutter. it's so crazy to me that people won't have a conversation with someone they're not interested in from jump. how the hell will you know if you're interested if you don't speak? there's a lot of attractive people, so there's needs to be something that distinguishes them from one another and that's usually conversation. so i talk. if you approach me respectfully, we can have a conversation. we can flirt, get to know a little bit about each other and if by the end of that, if i feel like i want to know more, we can exchange numbers. if i don't, i'll see you at the next event and maybe we can try again. no love lost.
and for those of you in relationships or wondering why people in relationships still flirt, it's practice. just so long as they don't cross the line into infidelity. let's say i have a boyfriend, i still flirt with his ass. i gotta keep him on his toes. so if i flirt with a guy at a happy hour, i might pick up a new technique that might make him (him, my fake boyfriend) smile when i get home. no matter how comfortable you are in your situation, there's always room for improvement. sometimes your partner wants to know if they still got 'it.' if he (he being my imaginary boyfriend) wants to flirt with a random girl at a bar just to make sure that i'm not the ONLY girl in the world that wants him, go ahead. if she can bag him, then she can have him because that might mean he wasn't meant for me or that he had one too many patron shots. i don't think there's any harm in entertaining people and entertaining yourself. i also don't think there's anything wrong with liking someone. i just think we need to dig a little deeper before we do. i want something to be unique and one of a kind, before i find myself liking you. i'm not looking for a spark, i'm just looking for something that separates you from the herd and you have this conversation to show me what that is…
happy hunting.
first of all, i think liking someone takes an insane amount of concentration and vulnerability. wait, before i continue, let me say this, i do NOT use the term "LIKE" loosely. i've never been boy crazy so liking someone means something to me. i don't know what it means to you, but liking someone means i see something in you and if you act right, i'll want something for US. i digress. you have to really pay attention to someone to like them. do you know their favorite food? what's their mama name? you still think he's cute without a haircut? you'll cook for him, that's cute but will he cook for you? what are his flaws? are they tolerable? do you like the words that come out of his mouth? furthermore, do those words make sense? what are his goals in life? if one of them is owning a chicken shack, are you willing to help him season some drumsticks? maybe i think too much but i hate the feeling of liking someone so i like to get it right if i do and i like to know that the person is worth it.
now can i entertain and flirt with someone i don't like? yes. it's called practice. don't think for a second that your charm is just going to get better with age. if you don't use it, you'll lose it. if you want to be good at anything, whether it's conversation or cooking, you have to practice. and why do i practice? because one day there's going to be a guy that's going to take my breath away and whenever i catch my breath, i better have something to say that doesn't include a stutter. it's so crazy to me that people won't have a conversation with someone they're not interested in from jump. how the hell will you know if you're interested if you don't speak? there's a lot of attractive people, so there's needs to be something that distinguishes them from one another and that's usually conversation. so i talk. if you approach me respectfully, we can have a conversation. we can flirt, get to know a little bit about each other and if by the end of that, if i feel like i want to know more, we can exchange numbers. if i don't, i'll see you at the next event and maybe we can try again. no love lost.
and for those of you in relationships or wondering why people in relationships still flirt, it's practice. just so long as they don't cross the line into infidelity. let's say i have a boyfriend, i still flirt with his ass. i gotta keep him on his toes. so if i flirt with a guy at a happy hour, i might pick up a new technique that might make him (him, my fake boyfriend) smile when i get home. no matter how comfortable you are in your situation, there's always room for improvement. sometimes your partner wants to know if they still got 'it.' if he (he being my imaginary boyfriend) wants to flirt with a random girl at a bar just to make sure that i'm not the ONLY girl in the world that wants him, go ahead. if she can bag him, then she can have him because that might mean he wasn't meant for me or that he had one too many patron shots. i don't think there's any harm in entertaining people and entertaining yourself. i also don't think there's anything wrong with liking someone. i just think we need to dig a little deeper before we do. i want something to be unique and one of a kind, before i find myself liking you. i'm not looking for a spark, i'm just looking for something that separates you from the herd and you have this conversation to show me what that is…
happy hunting.
luck
i don't believe in it, maybe it's because i have none. or maybe my Christian values don't leave me any room for luck. i'm either blessed or i'm bearing my cross. i don't remember luck being in the Bible and i remember Jesus needing plenty of it when Judas' mouth was running faster than Usain Bolt. but luck has never been my thing. that's probably why i don't play the lotto, but the way these loans are coming in, if there is any luck out there, i live at …. never mind.
maybe my problem with luck is that even in all of the crazy going on in my life, i know my life isn't THAT bad. i'm blessed beyond measure. so what if my boyfriend breaks up with me and so what if i get into a fight in harlem, hypothetically speaking of course? these would be unfortunate things but i'm a very fortunate person. it could ALWAYS be worse. considering i've been through worse, there's very few things that i face, that i can't handle.
f.ck luck.
maybe my problem with luck is that even in all of the crazy going on in my life, i know my life isn't THAT bad. i'm blessed beyond measure. so what if my boyfriend breaks up with me and so what if i get into a fight in harlem, hypothetically speaking of course? these would be unfortunate things but i'm a very fortunate person. it could ALWAYS be worse. considering i've been through worse, there's very few things that i face, that i can't handle.
f.ck luck.
Friday, August 19, 2011
i wish upon a star
i remember him like daffodils on my grandmother's dining table. i remember his voice like soft whispers between the ocean and its sand. i remember his stride like angels walking on clouds to get back to the gates of heaven. i remember his smile peaking over the horizon like the sun over squinting eyes. and his hands…they made miracles like a carpenter named Jesus. he was the love of my life and he taught me all too well how short life can be.
he made me laugh so hard it felt like thunder kicked against my ribcage and i had lighting in my laugh and rain clouds for eyes. he had always gotten to the core of me, tapping on the very soul of me like i needed his rib to breathe. he had a way of bringing out the best in me. i thought i was going to marry him just so i could spend the rest of my life being a better person. he even tattooed my name on his finger just so that everything he touched would turn to gold, like the color of my skin he said. and like midas, he was my king. so i watched him put paint to a canvas, ink to a paper and create masterpieces with the light i had within. i watched people praise his artistry begging to see his muse, begging him to tell them who or what was his inspiration and every time he would answer them the same - "the only way you would know a star out of the millions in the sky is if you wished upon one. i made my wish and she came falling from the sky. the only way you would know a special woman from the millions on the street is if you loved her. you will never see what i see when i look at her. my muse isn't a muse at all, she's a wish come true."
i loved him for that. i loved him for believing that i was a unique gift that he could multiply every time our lips touched. i loved him in places of myself that not even God knew. i loved him like children loved ice cream so much that it ends up all over their face. i wore him all over mine. i had that glow, that 'you must be in love' glow, that 'you found your soulmate' glow, that 'you found the last puzzle to your picture' glow. i wore him all over me like prom dresses in mississippi and like sweat on island women, i wore him all over me.
and then he hit that curve too soon and too fast. the tires skipped like a scratched cd. the metal crumpled like a piece of paper in a trashcan. the sound was so loud, i thought the earth was belching. he hit that curve too soon. he hit that curve too fast. and he died on that dirt road, his blood fresh to the soil that i begged never to grow flowers. his last breath was stuck to that steering wheel while i was scraping through hot metal screaming at God to give him back to me. i was stuck wondering when life was going to tell me that death was coming to visit. i tied myself to his ashes like ribbons in the sky hoping that his dust would rise and kiss me one more time, hold me one more time, love me one more day. but he hit that curve too soon and he hit that curve too fast. and even though i tattooed his name on the sole of my foot just so he can carry me through life, i'm so mad the sky asked for its star back, the most beautiful indian giver i had ever seen. i'm so mad that he's shedding light from so far away when our bedroom is so dark. i love him, but when i look through my window or look through my soul, i see that one star out of millions and i wish every day that i could be the moon just so i could be a little bit closer to him.
he made me laugh so hard it felt like thunder kicked against my ribcage and i had lighting in my laugh and rain clouds for eyes. he had always gotten to the core of me, tapping on the very soul of me like i needed his rib to breathe. he had a way of bringing out the best in me. i thought i was going to marry him just so i could spend the rest of my life being a better person. he even tattooed my name on his finger just so that everything he touched would turn to gold, like the color of my skin he said. and like midas, he was my king. so i watched him put paint to a canvas, ink to a paper and create masterpieces with the light i had within. i watched people praise his artistry begging to see his muse, begging him to tell them who or what was his inspiration and every time he would answer them the same - "the only way you would know a star out of the millions in the sky is if you wished upon one. i made my wish and she came falling from the sky. the only way you would know a special woman from the millions on the street is if you loved her. you will never see what i see when i look at her. my muse isn't a muse at all, she's a wish come true."
i loved him for that. i loved him for believing that i was a unique gift that he could multiply every time our lips touched. i loved him in places of myself that not even God knew. i loved him like children loved ice cream so much that it ends up all over their face. i wore him all over mine. i had that glow, that 'you must be in love' glow, that 'you found your soulmate' glow, that 'you found the last puzzle to your picture' glow. i wore him all over me like prom dresses in mississippi and like sweat on island women, i wore him all over me.
and then he hit that curve too soon and too fast. the tires skipped like a scratched cd. the metal crumpled like a piece of paper in a trashcan. the sound was so loud, i thought the earth was belching. he hit that curve too soon. he hit that curve too fast. and he died on that dirt road, his blood fresh to the soil that i begged never to grow flowers. his last breath was stuck to that steering wheel while i was scraping through hot metal screaming at God to give him back to me. i was stuck wondering when life was going to tell me that death was coming to visit. i tied myself to his ashes like ribbons in the sky hoping that his dust would rise and kiss me one more time, hold me one more time, love me one more day. but he hit that curve too soon and he hit that curve too fast. and even though i tattooed his name on the sole of my foot just so he can carry me through life, i'm so mad the sky asked for its star back, the most beautiful indian giver i had ever seen. i'm so mad that he's shedding light from so far away when our bedroom is so dark. i love him, but when i look through my window or look through my soul, i see that one star out of millions and i wish every day that i could be the moon just so i could be a little bit closer to him.
keep it quiet
i'm a blunt person. i guess. i just like to say what i have to say and in turn hear what you have to say. whether it changes anything or nothing at all, at least we gave it the opportunity to enter the atmosphere.
anyway. i made a huge decision recently. i decided i wasn't going to talk about my personal, intimate relationships anymore. you're just going to have to read about them. if i need advice, i really need to do some soul searching because somewhere in this craziness, i've lost my taste for things being sacred and i desperately miss it. i love the anonymity of my relationships and i love knowing that someone i love can be across the room and nobody knows but him and i. it's not about denying the other person or playing it cool but it's about keeping some things close to the heart. sometimes, i don't want to share with the entire world and maybe that's selfish but if he's mine, he should be all mine. besides, it's hard to appreciate someone in all of their glory when you have people in your ear chipping away at their spirit. it's hard to enjoy a relationship when you're always talking about it. so whatever relationship i find myself in, i'm keeping my mouth shut.all you need to know is i'm not a hoe.
on another note, in regards to breakups, those things are the worst. and i'm not even talking about breakups where the other person clearly did something wrong/unforgivable. i'm talking about the kind where you just can't see eye to eye or simply when two people want two different things at the same time. so when people ask you why you broke up, you're just as confused as they are. (another reason why i'm taking the vow of silence when it comes to relationships). besides being confused, you genuinely grieve because you miss the person. your lives become intertwined in the most significant and tiniest of ways. alright he might have met your family, that's a big thing for some people but then he can be the person that takes your car to get an oil change. it's something you can do on your own but you're going to miss that person because they're no longer a part of that routine. i just think it's sad when you have to cut your life down the middle because of irreconcilable differences.
missing someone seems to be worse than not having someone to miss. but we get so caught up in our own pain and our own anger that we refuse to be vulnerable and sometimes for good reason. but i can't help but wonder, how many relationships could have been salvaged if one person just called the other to say, "i miss you and i think we should give it another try." not even the biggest ego can fill the space of loneliness.
anyway. i made a huge decision recently. i decided i wasn't going to talk about my personal, intimate relationships anymore. you're just going to have to read about them. if i need advice, i really need to do some soul searching because somewhere in this craziness, i've lost my taste for things being sacred and i desperately miss it. i love the anonymity of my relationships and i love knowing that someone i love can be across the room and nobody knows but him and i. it's not about denying the other person or playing it cool but it's about keeping some things close to the heart. sometimes, i don't want to share with the entire world and maybe that's selfish but if he's mine, he should be all mine. besides, it's hard to appreciate someone in all of their glory when you have people in your ear chipping away at their spirit. it's hard to enjoy a relationship when you're always talking about it. so whatever relationship i find myself in, i'm keeping my mouth shut.
on another note, in regards to breakups, those things are the worst. and i'm not even talking about breakups where the other person clearly did something wrong/unforgivable. i'm talking about the kind where you just can't see eye to eye or simply when two people want two different things at the same time. so when people ask you why you broke up, you're just as confused as they are. (another reason why i'm taking the vow of silence when it comes to relationships). besides being confused, you genuinely grieve because you miss the person. your lives become intertwined in the most significant and tiniest of ways. alright he might have met your family, that's a big thing for some people but then he can be the person that takes your car to get an oil change. it's something you can do on your own but you're going to miss that person because they're no longer a part of that routine. i just think it's sad when you have to cut your life down the middle because of irreconcilable differences.
missing someone seems to be worse than not having someone to miss. but we get so caught up in our own pain and our own anger that we refuse to be vulnerable and sometimes for good reason. but i can't help but wonder, how many relationships could have been salvaged if one person just called the other to say, "i miss you and i think we should give it another try." not even the biggest ego can fill the space of loneliness.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
poetry show
i went to a poetry show featuring some of the poets that you've seen me post about and it was amazing. that's the laziest way to describe such a phenomenal event. i'll probably put up the link so you can watch the show for yourself because it was definitely an experience. i say that to say, i have never been more proud to be a writer than that night. artists have a unique job. there is no tangible evidence that we save lives because we don't bring you back to life on operating tables and we don't find cures to cancer but we express the very things that you want to live for. it's a tough decision to bare your soul just to inspire or relate to someone you've never met, but every day the starving artists of this world do so - with hesitation, with worry, with fear, with joy, with anxiety, with a plethora of emotions that nonetheless, don't hold us back.
in that moment, when i watched them string their words together like christmas lights to pull tears from the deepest parts of themselves and the people watching them, i have never appreciated my gift and love for the arts more.
i respect everyone who does whatever it is they do to keep the world turning, but i can't help it if all i want to do is write about how it's spinning, ask why it's spinning and write more about who i'm willing to spin it for.
Congratulations to the Strivers Row.
in that moment, when i watched them string their words together like christmas lights to pull tears from the deepest parts of themselves and the people watching them, i have never appreciated my gift and love for the arts more.
i respect everyone who does whatever it is they do to keep the world turning, but i can't help it if all i want to do is write about how it's spinning, ask why it's spinning and write more about who i'm willing to spin it for.
Congratulations to the Strivers Row.
pillow talk
i don't know if you follow me on twitter and i don't know if you should or shouldn't but i went on a rant. it wasn't from an angry place or anything like that, just a few thoughts that were lingering around in my head - one of them being pillow talk. i tweeted, "pillow talk is confidential. non- negotiable. if a man can't trust you to keep your mouth closed, he won't trust your legs to do the same." i have absolutely no idea what was going through my mind when i said that but i do believe pillow talk is confidential. i think some things are sacred and you don't have to be on a physical pillow either. but ask yourself, how much of your conversations with your significant other actually stay between you and your significant other? now i know, we often tell our friends bits and pieces of our relationship to seek their advice or to just vent BUT and that's a big BUT, how much is too much? where do you draw the line of 'this is just between us?'
me, personally, i keep a lot of secrets. i don't even know why because everything isn't a damn secret but that's just how i've always been. 'never use four words when you can use two.' so it's rare that i offer up extra information if any information at all. but even still, i'm guilty of replaying our conversations to listening ears to get some insight but in the middle of my rant, i realized and also tweeted, 'no one knows your partner better than you though so it's pointless to ask someone else to translate his thoughts.' i know a person who takes out all the guessing games. he says, 'pay attention, this is what i'm feeling.' i genuinely appreciate the heads up because sometimes, when you think back to a conversation, what you deem important wasn't the important part to the person you're having a conversation with. so sometimes, you end up trying to find a solution to a problem they're not even worried about.
why are we taking our pillow talk out of the bedroom? why are we letting other people into relationships they cannot save? you're venting but what did you solve? why don't we vent to the person we're with in hopes to fix it as opposed to just venting ? i mean, we all need our space from our relationships to reflect and to take some time to see it from the other person's perspective with a mind clear of anger, resentment and frustration. and even though that time is sometimes hard to take because you don't want it to seem like you're taking a vacation from your responsibilities, it is necessary. the thing is, there are sacred moments in your relationship, sometimes they're simple, sometimes they're not but if you don't have anything that you're ok with sharing to JUST them, then should you be dating JUST them? what do you two have that's only for the two of you, besides sex?
me, personally, i keep a lot of secrets. i don't even know why because everything isn't a damn secret but that's just how i've always been. 'never use four words when you can use two.' so it's rare that i offer up extra information if any information at all. but even still, i'm guilty of replaying our conversations to listening ears to get some insight but in the middle of my rant, i realized and also tweeted, 'no one knows your partner better than you though so it's pointless to ask someone else to translate his thoughts.' i know a person who takes out all the guessing games. he says, 'pay attention, this is what i'm feeling.' i genuinely appreciate the heads up because sometimes, when you think back to a conversation, what you deem important wasn't the important part to the person you're having a conversation with. so sometimes, you end up trying to find a solution to a problem they're not even worried about.
why are we taking our pillow talk out of the bedroom? why are we letting other people into relationships they cannot save? you're venting but what did you solve? why don't we vent to the person we're with in hopes to fix it as opposed to just venting ? i mean, we all need our space from our relationships to reflect and to take some time to see it from the other person's perspective with a mind clear of anger, resentment and frustration. and even though that time is sometimes hard to take because you don't want it to seem like you're taking a vacation from your responsibilities, it is necessary. the thing is, there are sacred moments in your relationship, sometimes they're simple, sometimes they're not but if you don't have anything that you're ok with sharing to JUST them, then should you be dating JUST them? what do you two have that's only for the two of you, besides sex?
a whole week?
i haven't blogged in seven days! i missed you!!!! it was just one of those times where i had to live life so i could give you something to read about. it's story time!
i wen't to my friend's birthday party and had an amazing time. and of course he's a LEO. you should always look your best when you're going out. in these new age of social networking and profile pictures, it's such a disappointment when you're 'virtually' better looking than you are in person. i'm just saying stop wasting your time photoshopping your pictures and finding the perfect angle when you could spend a little more time doing your hair and practicing to walk in your heels.
furthermore, if you are trying to get the attention of a man, dancing on him like you're a snake charmer from Aladdin in the middle of my conversation with him is neither polite nor attractive. i'm not telling you what to do, i'm telling you what NOT to do. first of all, why would you want to share his attention with me? he's in a conversation and unless you're Shakira, Beyonce or a really attractive stripper, you will not get his undivided attention while he's speaking with me. while you're dipping it low, but not too low, because you can barely balance in your heels, he's giving me the 'help me' glare over your left shoulder through your see through side ponytail. i'm all for going what you want but step 1 to getting a man at a social event begins at home: LOOK YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST. your mediocre attempt to dress nice which i've noticed for some young women just means, not wearing sneakers anymore, will not catch your guy's eye over my appropriate and put together ensemble, even if he has absolutely no sexual interest in me. guys are visual creatures and they'd rather stand next to a beautiful woman they're NOT f.cking than stand next to an unattractive one that they can smash in the bathroom.
another thing. no jean jackets to the lounge. NONE. i don't give a f.ck what you see in a magazine or on the runway, don't show up to the lounge looking like you're going to a BBQ. you don't look fashion forward, you look stupid. everyone is dressed in their sunday best and here you come looking like a denim disaster. i want better for you.
one more thing. make eye contact. ladies, there's nothing that screams insecure more than your inability to look another woman in the eye. whether you like me or not, if the situation calls for eye contact, make some. i might not like your ass back, but i'll respect you.
but all in all, the celebration was fun, probably because i wasn't interested or looking for any guy there. i've never been the boy crazy type but i'll tell you this, going for what you want is admirable but it's not enough. presentation is key. don't ever let your confidence surpass your ability to actually be great.
oh! i went to the movies too! i was so excited because i hardly ever get to go and i'm usually less interested in what's showing but i saw Planet of the Apes. i never saw the original and i'm not going to give away the movie but i had fun even though there were many similarities to slavery in there. maybe that's the critical thinker in me but i call it how i see it.
last but certainly not least, i spent some quality time with some quality people. honest conversations are the absolute funniest. it's hard for me to take offense from someone that knows me and loves me anyway.
i wen't to my friend's birthday party and had an amazing time. and of course he's a LEO. you should always look your best when you're going out. in these new age of social networking and profile pictures, it's such a disappointment when you're 'virtually' better looking than you are in person. i'm just saying stop wasting your time photoshopping your pictures and finding the perfect angle when you could spend a little more time doing your hair and practicing to walk in your heels.
furthermore, if you are trying to get the attention of a man, dancing on him like you're a snake charmer from Aladdin in the middle of my conversation with him is neither polite nor attractive. i'm not telling you what to do, i'm telling you what NOT to do. first of all, why would you want to share his attention with me? he's in a conversation and unless you're Shakira, Beyonce or a really attractive stripper, you will not get his undivided attention while he's speaking with me. while you're dipping it low, but not too low, because you can barely balance in your heels, he's giving me the 'help me' glare over your left shoulder through your see through side ponytail. i'm all for going what you want but step 1 to getting a man at a social event begins at home: LOOK YOUR ABSOLUTE BEST. your mediocre attempt to dress nice which i've noticed for some young women just means, not wearing sneakers anymore, will not catch your guy's eye over my appropriate and put together ensemble, even if he has absolutely no sexual interest in me. guys are visual creatures and they'd rather stand next to a beautiful woman they're NOT f.cking than stand next to an unattractive one that they can smash in the bathroom.
another thing. no jean jackets to the lounge. NONE. i don't give a f.ck what you see in a magazine or on the runway, don't show up to the lounge looking like you're going to a BBQ. you don't look fashion forward, you look stupid. everyone is dressed in their sunday best and here you come looking like a denim disaster. i want better for you.
one more thing. make eye contact. ladies, there's nothing that screams insecure more than your inability to look another woman in the eye. whether you like me or not, if the situation calls for eye contact, make some. i might not like your ass back, but i'll respect you.
but all in all, the celebration was fun, probably because i wasn't interested or looking for any guy there. i've never been the boy crazy type but i'll tell you this, going for what you want is admirable but it's not enough. presentation is key. don't ever let your confidence surpass your ability to actually be great.
oh! i went to the movies too! i was so excited because i hardly ever get to go and i'm usually less interested in what's showing but i saw Planet of the Apes. i never saw the original and i'm not going to give away the movie but i had fun even though there were many similarities to slavery in there. maybe that's the critical thinker in me but i call it how i see it.
last but certainly not least, i spent some quality time with some quality people. honest conversations are the absolute funniest. it's hard for me to take offense from someone that knows me and loves me anyway.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
raise a glass
i don't know if i'm getting married but if i am, all of your speeches will be getting proofread for content and humor and checked to be of an appropriate nature. yeah we'll be happy that somebody actually wanted to marry me but what we won't do is talk about why he shouldn't by naming ex #1, 2 and i'll stop there. don't play yourself. love you though.
you think you're a great man?
i know i've blogged about this before. "A woman's virtue is a man's greatest glory." this is LOVE without ego and without pride! but hey what do i know?
seven whole days
this week has been one for the books. like vivian green said, this emotional roller coaster is not healthy. let me the hell off. i've been going up, down, back and forth, in more ways than one. i'm dizzy and i need to sit down. i've experienced pain and joy in this week alone. i've cried on a sidewalk and kissed someone until the sun came up. i've been all over the place with absolutely nowhere to go. i know my life is in shambles when all my friends can do is offer support. no advice, just 'i'm here for you even though your hair is in ceely braids & you're throwing up fish filet sandwiches.' maybe i've done too much, maybe i haven't done enough but whichever one it is, it has me all the way confused.
for instance, you ever like someone at the wrong time? maybe you moved to a new city, maybe he knows way too many people you know, maybe he flirted with one of your friends in elementary school but whatever the case, you feel like liking him could not come at a worse time! but you really can't stop yourself, he's probably looking right and feeling better but two days ago that's not what you wanted. sh.t, today, that still might not be what you want. so how do you tread the fine line between liking someone and not doing anything about it? do you kill yourself with guilt wondering what his lips taste like or do you go for it and deal with the guilt of knowing what his lips taste like the next morning? how do you decide which path is the right one? ok and i know you're going to say, 'well, it depends on what you want.' UM HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. i used to. i'm not going to lie. i used to know exactly what i wanted and where to get it but as of late, what i want and what i need haven't been quite the same so we'll put that in the box of problems to deal with later. but anyway, maybe you don't want a relationship, but you like this person. so what do you do with all that curiosity? i say, start knitting. make that young man a sweater, not a problem.
and let's say you're bold enough to go for this guy even at the wrong time, what happens next? you like him so can he really be a fling? you like him but can he really be a relationship this soon? you like him BUT….yeah what happens after that but? to be honest, i don't know how people like a lot of people, that seems exhausting. it's very rare that someone catches my attention on a deeper level but when they do, i get pissed because i genuinely don't know what to do with those feelings. how people like three and four other people at a time is BEYOND ME. i can't feign that much interest at any given moment. i either like you or i don't and flirting has nothing to do with that. [remind me to talk about flirting later] i don't want to be anxious about receiving a text message or a phone call. i don't want to get excited because i know we're going to be in the same place. i don't want to smile when you walk through the door. i want to enjoy whatever i'm doing without thinking of what i could be doing with you. but i understand that liking someone is the first step so i respect it but it's not something i personally enjoy. and if i think liking someone is exhausting, don't get me started on love. the only difference is that love at least replenishes itself from time to time. but liking someone? that's always up in the air when it comes to being reciprocated. it's too shallow to feel like a guarantee.
either way, i've been going through what feels like a wash cycle of my own emotions. i am just spinning at this point. but i'm sure i will come out of this phase with one of two things: a headache or a relationship. at least if the former gets bad, i can take a pill but the latter? well, there's no pain medicine for heartbreak. should i take my chances?
for instance, you ever like someone at the wrong time? maybe you moved to a new city, maybe he knows way too many people you know, maybe he flirted with one of your friends in elementary school but whatever the case, you feel like liking him could not come at a worse time! but you really can't stop yourself, he's probably looking right and feeling better but two days ago that's not what you wanted. sh.t, today, that still might not be what you want. so how do you tread the fine line between liking someone and not doing anything about it? do you kill yourself with guilt wondering what his lips taste like or do you go for it and deal with the guilt of knowing what his lips taste like the next morning? how do you decide which path is the right one? ok and i know you're going to say, 'well, it depends on what you want.' UM HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT. i used to. i'm not going to lie. i used to know exactly what i wanted and where to get it but as of late, what i want and what i need haven't been quite the same so we'll put that in the box of problems to deal with later. but anyway, maybe you don't want a relationship, but you like this person. so what do you do with all that curiosity? i say, start knitting. make that young man a sweater, not a problem.
and let's say you're bold enough to go for this guy even at the wrong time, what happens next? you like him so can he really be a fling? you like him but can he really be a relationship this soon? you like him BUT….yeah what happens after that but? to be honest, i don't know how people like a lot of people, that seems exhausting. it's very rare that someone catches my attention on a deeper level but when they do, i get pissed because i genuinely don't know what to do with those feelings. how people like three and four other people at a time is BEYOND ME. i can't feign that much interest at any given moment. i either like you or i don't and flirting has nothing to do with that. [remind me to talk about flirting later] i don't want to be anxious about receiving a text message or a phone call. i don't want to get excited because i know we're going to be in the same place. i don't want to smile when you walk through the door. i want to enjoy whatever i'm doing without thinking of what i could be doing with you. but i understand that liking someone is the first step so i respect it but it's not something i personally enjoy. and if i think liking someone is exhausting, don't get me started on love. the only difference is that love at least replenishes itself from time to time. but liking someone? that's always up in the air when it comes to being reciprocated. it's too shallow to feel like a guarantee.
either way, i've been going through what feels like a wash cycle of my own emotions. i am just spinning at this point. but i'm sure i will come out of this phase with one of two things: a headache or a relationship. at least if the former gets bad, i can take a pill but the latter? well, there's no pain medicine for heartbreak. should i take my chances?
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