the relationship i'm not in

i'm not in a relationship because i haven't heard someone talk about me they way i write about love (with the exception of my ex). no one counts my eyelashes or tells me that the curve of my collarbone is beautiful.  he doesn't send me good night texts that i can fall asleep to and wake up with the smell of him in my dreams.  sometimes he won't even return a text.  even if i am on the list of his priorities, there are no hearts around my name.  it's not highlighted and there's no exclamation point to remind him that i'm always his something to do.  i don't know a man that makes me curve my knuckles to hug his.  i don't know a man that says my name like he gave it to me 25 summers ago in a warm, hospital room like he's seeing me for the first time.  i don't know a man who gives me laugh lines more than frowning wrinkles.  i don't know a man that would trade his mahogany complexion for the color of clouds just so that he can blush when he feels like my smile is the sun.  i don't know a man that looks at me from across the room so intensely that i want to take a picture and frame it for the days i feel invisible.  i don't know a man that appreciates how i moved out of my comfort zone just to be closer to him.  i don't know a man that believes sometimes i am my own biggest joke.  and i wish i knew a man that wouldn't be so quick to fix things but much slower to break them.  i'm not in a relationship because words aren't as consoling as sex, because going above and beyond is an expectation and no longer a surprise, because i don't believe in living in the shadows of ex girlfriends and mothers that should have hugged you more.  i'm not in a relationship because i believe that love and action are sometimes one and the same and we may not show it but that doesn't mean you forget.  i don't know a man that has enough faith to know that no other man matters.  i don't know a man that hasn't kept me up sitting by the window looking for his car, like my mother used to look for my father's.  i haven't heard a man say that he loves me so easily that he rolls off his tongue like his own name.  i don't know that man.  i don't know if there's a man like that out there looking out of his window waiting for my car to pull up and help with my bags.  i don't know if there is a man that has memorized each curve to me like the highways that lead to his house, like the walkway to his bathroom in the dark, like the signature that spills from his fingertips.  i don't know if there's a man that knows that i'm worth knowing.  so i'm not in a relationship.  i'm not looking for love.  i'm not hoping for a prince charming to come wake me from underneath the spell of cynicism.  i am not a woman of bitter taste and sorrowful lips.  i just don't know the man that is supposed to change my life by staying in it.


i'm not in a relationship because maybe there was someone there with his arms wide open waiting for me to jump but never understood how afraid i am of heights.  i don't know if he's out there or somewhere close, because he's never told me.