keep it quiet

i'm a blunt person.  i guess. i just like to say what i have to say and in turn hear what you have to say.  whether it changes anything or nothing at all, at least we gave it the opportunity to enter the atmosphere.


anyway.  i made a huge decision recently.  i decided i wasn't going to talk about my personal, intimate relationships anymore.  you're just going to have to read about them.  if i need advice, i really need to do some soul searching because somewhere in this craziness, i've lost my taste for things being sacred and i desperately miss it.  i love the anonymity of my relationships and i love knowing that someone i love can be across the room and nobody knows but him and i.  it's not about denying the other person or playing it cool but it's about keeping some things close to the heart.  sometimes, i don't want to share with the entire world and maybe that's selfish but if he's mine, he should be all mine.  besides, it's hard to appreciate someone in all of their glory when you have people in your ear chipping away at their spirit.  it's hard to enjoy a relationship when you're always talking about it.  so whatever relationship i find myself in, i'm keeping my mouth shut.  all you need to know is i'm not a hoe.  


on another note, in regards to breakups, those things are the worst.  and i'm not even talking about breakups where the other person clearly did something wrong/unforgivable.  i'm talking about the kind where you just can't see eye to eye or simply when two people want two different things at the same time.  so when people ask you why you broke up, you're just as confused as they are.  (another reason why i'm taking the vow of silence when it comes to relationships).  besides being confused, you genuinely grieve because you miss the person.  your lives become intertwined in the most significant and tiniest of ways.  alright he might have met your family, that's a big thing for some people but then he can be the person that takes your car to get an oil change.  it's something you can do on your own but you're going to miss that person because they're no longer a part of that routine.  i just think it's sad when you have to cut your life down the middle because of irreconcilable differences.  


missing someone seems to be worse than not having someone to miss.  but we get so caught up in our own pain and our own anger that we refuse to be vulnerable and sometimes for good reason.  but i can't help but wonder, how many relationships could have been salvaged if one person just called the other to say, "i miss you and i think we should give it another try."  not even the biggest ego can fill the space of loneliness.