have i ever told you how humbling it is to wake up with a man more beautiful than you? how daunting his presence is over the small shadow you cast? not that i would know anything about beautiful men considering, i've sworn all men off, except for my four year old nephews. and i'm not swearing them off because i'm bitter or because someone hurt me. i just think a break is well needed from the men that had me take a break from my own mental hiatus. the thing about caring for a man is that it somehow makes you forget how to care about yourself. they convince you to let them take care of you and when they're gone, for whatever reason, you're left trying to not only recognize yourself, but take care of the woman whose reflection you're still trying to become accustomed to. and the questions start flowing like the rain from hurricane katrina. and of course you go through every text message, you go through every voicemail, you go through every set of panties he took off just to make sure that you didn't make the whole thing up in your own head.
how did i get here?
what did i do wrong?
what should i have said?
someone please help me understand…
and you're sitting there with a homegirl just as confused and as broken as you with two glasses of wine drunk recalling the times you weren't thinking when you were sober. that's what men can do to you. they can leave you with pieces you have no use for and take the pieces you desperately need to make out the picture he left you with. and let me tell you, you can smoke all the cigarettes you want, but you can never turn into the smoke that billows into the air, just as beautiful as when you inhaled it. when we become someone else's oxygen, we will always be exhaled differently.
but please don't get me wrong. i love men for the muses they are. for the statuesque pillars they are that become monuments in the national treasure i like to call my heart. i love them for teaching me different sides of myself, for evoking so much emotion out of me that i am able to write to you. i love men for their uncanny ability to make the most beautiful woman feel ugly. i love the way they can make the most logical woman convince herself that love can pay her bills even when he can't. i love they way that their love is conditional on conditions we cannot f.cking control. and i really love the way that they can make you feel divine without understanding how human you are. they are indeed creatures of a unique maker.
nonetheless. i love men. i just don't know if i'm interested in having them love me.
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