i don't believe you

i'm not usually worried if someone will like me. i'm more concerned that i won't believe them when they say they do. it's an internal battle.  so much so that, anonymous homegirl and i have decided that love is like a football game. i'm always on defense. so you can have the ball, or rather my heart but you are not leaving with it. you are not getting past me. and i didn't even give you my heart in the first place, but that's just how the game works. i'm going to hope for a turnover or make one happen.  either way, the game leaves you tired, exhausted and in positions you don't wanna get caught in when the lights come on.  oh and you're always hurting.

i've heard someone say they like me. it's probably a great moment of achievement for most girls but for me, it only gets me thinking about what's next. so he likes me. now what? and to be completely honest, i don't ever really believe him. and it has nothing to do with him for the most part. his actions could line up and he can keep repeating it but my mind, heart or soul, sometimes all three simply don't believe him.  is it a self esteem issue? eh. i wouldn't say that. i think i just want to make sure that you like me for something deeper than looks and good conversation.  i don't think liking me is enough security to just hand over my sense and my panties. that's just doing too much.  in fact, i can recall the moment i decided to believe someone when they said they liked me.  mind you, this was after months of talking and then more months of already being intimate. i'll keep the story short considering i've been long winded all day. we were at a bar with all of our friends and his last flame was there. she was really putting the moves on him, so much so that i might have slept with her that night just to reward her for her persistence.  however, he was not phased by her obvious come ons. anyway, we ended up going outside the bar to all catch some fresh air and he told one of our friends that i was his girlfriend and pointed to me. i followed his finger because i was utterly perplexed.  he said, yea you and he laughed. he then proceeded to tell her that he wasn't really feeling me today because when he woke up that morning, he had to search through the pillows to only discover i had left him in the bed to go to work.  cute. didn't know he actually thought about the other body in the bed that had laid next to him so many nights. who knew he could formulate a thought around my presence? that nonchalant behavior had me fooled. but that's still not when i believed him.  it was time to go home but he still had something [not someone] to do so i went to his house and went to sleep.  i must have been in my third dream when i felt him creep in the bed and put his arms around me and kiss me in my sleep.  that was the moment i believed him, that was the moment i knew for myself that he cared about me. it had almost nothing to do with him. but in that moment, that's when i put my guard down. that's when i started falling. after nearly a year of already dealing with him, i was ready to make progress.

so what is it that makes us so skeptical? why are we so afraid to fall? why is it such a foreign concept to completely divulge ourself into another human being? because we simply cannot account for another person's actions or feelings. we'll never know if they'll love us back or if they'll stay or if they'll hurt us so bad, that we permanently replace love with broken in the dictionary of our hearts. but then again, we'll also never know how happy they can potentially make us feel if we refuse to feel anything.