single

hi. haven't ever started an entry with a hello.  when i'm writing, i'm usually talking to myself. i'm sure that's a psychological disorder but they haven't caught me yet so let me just rock out.  today, however, i'm talking directly to you. this is the beginning of a conversation. i've always wondered why most of you don't comment, but since i rarely ever speak to you, how can i expect you to speak back. so, my fault.

my name is, well that doesn't matter. they call me t lloyd. who's they? pretty much everyone. sometimes i can go days without hearing my real name and that makes me appreciate it more. so t lloyd it is. i just watched Aaliyah's diary on mtv and i know everybody loves her and so do i. my favorite memory of her was on my 16th birthday. it was pouring rain. and i was in the car driving with my dad to my little party and her new single had come out, 'I CARE FOR YOU,' also the album title.  i sang the whole song and i just fell in love with her right there. granted i had her other albums but it was that album or rather that song, that i started to connect with for whatever reason. and then three days later, she passed away.  but in watching her diary, her voice, both her speaking and her singing voice had such a calm in it that it seemed no storm could shake her.  i like that. in fact, i love that. and you know there's still a picture of her on my bedroom wall. some things never pass.

back to our conversation. are you single? and when i say single, i mean are you single without any emotional attachments to anyone? because i fear that we are running around claiming this single life but yet and still tied to another person which is plural, in other words, a couple.  why does it matter? because! how can i [who's never really single] enjoy a life that i'm not really living. yeah, i'm not cuddling up next to someone every night and yeah i'm not on the phone till the wee hours of the morning just listening to the hum of someone's breath but if in my mind i'm waiting on a particular someone to do any of that foolishness with then how single am i? how single can we be if we are ultimately tied to someone else? it's like black people claiming that we're free but minimum wage is damn near slavery anyway, so what definition of free are we really using? i don't even really know what the definition of single is. does that mean i'm dating? cuz i'm not. does that mean i'm willing to date? quite possibly. does that mean i'm not entertaining anyone? cuz i am. seriously if being single can be so euphoric like most men proclaim it to be and most women despise, then where do i fall? i'm not lonely but i surely do not have a desire to f.ck, suck or ride anyone that catches a second glance from me. fellas, that's all you. that's why you love the single life. because it gives you so many options. thick, skinny, brown skin, dark skin, long hair, short hair, double d's, c cups, tongue rings, nipple rings, your crib, her car, i mean i can go on and on about the options that the single life provide men. but for me, as a woman, in spite of all those options that i am fully aware i have as well, the desire just is not there.  am i afraid of the double standard? not really. if i want to do something or someone, i'm going to do it. the only number that should matter to you is my phone number, anything else is my business. me and my vagina made a pact a long time ago.  i keep her secrets, she keeps mine. and never come between a woman and her vagina [no pun intended].  anyway, what is single to you? do you enjoy it? what do you do with the time? are you rejuvenating from the last relationship or are you preparing for the next? or are you just sleeping around until you find someone that makes you want to give it to them more than once? are you celibate during this single-ness? or is single simply a state of mind and not action? can we f.ck without loving? can we sleep with someone without our emotions? is that what makes us single? or is single just us refusing to take into account another person's feelings and dashing away any responsibility that our 'involved' friends have to take on in their relationships? this single sh.t got me confused because even though i don't have anyone to answer to, i still feel like i'm cheating...on myself.