Interview 3.

after having a few conversations with the advisors i call friends, i've realized it is time to align myself with my actions and my emotions.  things are a little off the rocker. you've probably noticed, it's ok if you didn't, my blog was headed in a different direction.  it became more of what i see as opposed to what i feel.  love had me more scrambled than an egg and i managed to pull myself back together.  i even started another blog, which i hope to one day be my website  that was created to be more conversational.  a daily look into my life.  it has all the little things that inspire me to update this blog.  if Virgin Fingertips is the big picture then Living Proverb is the paint. feel free to click the link. shameless plug. anyway, i was coming into my own. i was starting to love my reflection again.  and then an unusual stream of unnatural events occurred. as it usually does when you least expect it. and it lead me right back here. the need to answer some tough questions, close some doors, open some new ones and bare it all.  i did it back in march with the posts appropriately titled Interview and Interview 2. so here goes.

It's been a while, what's changed for you?
From the last two interviews, I was definitely in a transitioning phase.  Fresh out of a relationship, celibate, trying to really get a grasp on the new woman in the mirror.  Now I'm in the part of my life where I'm doing things that I enjoy, writing, relaxing, looking for a job, spending time with people I care about - it's usually drama free.  I changed my phone number just so I couldn't bring anything negative over with me.  I left some negative things and people behind so my whole demeanor has changed.  I'm not a wreck anymore.  The healing process is over.

But the wounds remain?
As they always will.  I think I've gotten accustomed to certain wounds and I try my best not to irritate them so most of the time, I don't even notice that they're there to begin with.

When do you notice?
Recently, there's been a lot of revisiting those wounds.  It's really the cycle of life.  Things come back full circle; unplanned things.  It could be something as simple as a phone call or a random sighting.  It's never expected but it happens and there's no way to prepare for it.

Has it hindered you?
Yes. Yes. Hmm.  I've noticed that I'm very indifferent to things I was once very passionate about.  I don't know how to fall in love yet.  I can't even say that I'm trying but I want to.  I want to feel that, I want to be enamored. I want that intense emotion, but I'm not there.  But the fact that I want it to begin with is a huge step because I was so caught up in my last relationship that I couldn't even imagine entertaining anyone else.  It was like tunnel vision.  So I'm taking those baby steps and that's a huge change.  In terms of hindering my process, I'm sure it's much slower this time around and it was already slow so just imagine how long this is gonna take me.

When you say 'revisit those wounds' what does that mean physically and emotionally?
Well physically, it's any interaction with the past that I decided to let go but it's proven to be only somewhat of a pause.  Entertaining any part of my past, be it relationship wise or friendship wise is revisiting something that I told myself and the other person I was done with so in a sense, those wounds start to bleed again. And I start to question the decisions I've made and how accurate those decisions were alongside the emotions.  Was it relevant? Was it appropriate? Was it something that I could actually live with? That second guessing is torment.  It threatens everything that I've created since making that decision.  Emotionally, I find myself replaying the whole scene in my mind over and over again, searching for something that may or may not even be there.  It makes me disconnect from the present, which is completely unfair to those who I surround myself with.  It sends me on a whirlwind of questioning, guilt, shame, fear...all emotions that can really pause my journey.

What have you been doing to get through that cycle of emotions?
I've been writing and I can't stop.  My blog has taken a different turn all of a sudden.  I'm back in those emotions and I can't see my way out of it just yet.  I've been self analyzing.  I've been critiquing.  I've been searching long and hard for an answer that just hasn't come to me yet.

If we can get specific, what/who is your biggest concern?
Hmm. In terms of what my biggest concern is finding a job.  I feel very stagnant and I feel like I'm not learning anything new.  For someone who loves to learn, that's depressing.  As far as who, exhales deeply, this is gonna piss a lot of people off I'm most concerned about myself.  I bet you thought I was gonna say someone else. I feel very torn right now, very torn to the point where I feel like I can potentially hurt everyone that surrounds me.  I thought when I left my last relationship that I was going to take nothing from it. I thought I left those emotions right where I found them.  And today, I realize that I didn't leave any emotions anywhere, I just ignored them until I could find a suitable time to address them.  Now by the strange events of the universe cries those emotions are infringing on my rights to move on wholeheartedly.  I feel so ungrateful and I feel so, what's the word? I feel so lost. A big piece of me is somewhere else and the unknown of where that piece can go is taking a toll on me and this new road I've embarked on.  It's a terrible thing when your happiness is linked to another human being.  Because once they're gone, can you ever really be happy? And it seems so selfish to not be happy when you have a third party doing everything they can to get you there.  And I'm not saying that I want to get back into the previous relationship, what I'm saying is that it's hard to be in a new one when I simply have not come to terms with what the last one has done.  I'm just not over it. I've just been going through the motions but I haven't tackled the 'if he passed me in a supermarket, would I need him to notice me or could I just keep walking by?'  I want to know that I can be in a relationship and not worry that anyone can make me second guess my happiness. And I'm not there yet.

What's the solution to this problem?
If I only knew.  I thought about disconnecting from every relationship, past and present. But then people would get hurt. I thought about disconnecting from just the past but that would be a bold faced lie if I said that's what I want.  I haven't come up with any solution that is fair to all parties involved and at the same time making me happy.  Either way, it's going to be a major sacrifice and I'm losing. I've come to terms with that. I have lost. Damages pending.

Have you had this conversation with your past?
Yes and no. We've touched on it briefly but who ever wants to say, "damn I'm 24, I love you but I'm not ready to marry you even though I think you might be the best choice." I don't even know if that's flattering to hear and appropriate to say.  Another reason, I don't think we've had the conversation yet is really because once you have it, there's no turning back.  You have to make a decision.  Be together or be apart and they're equally hard decisions.  Not one of them is easy.  And for real, for real, that conversation is crossing the line of platonic behavior which was decided upon months ago, prior to new people in both of our lives.

Can you be platonic?
Truthfully. Probably not.  Platonic on the surface? Sure.  Talk about movies, sports and the day to day.  But if you can't get deep, how platonic are you? Can't tell me about the girl you're dating? Why not? Can't tell you about the guy I'm dating? Why not? Because you don't want to hear those things coming from someone you love or once loved in that romantic way.  It's never easy. Not this soon out of it.  So when it comes to being platonic, I think it has been an attempt.  I think it's something we've practiced but it's very painfully obvious that we're not good at it.  And when you decide to be friends, you realize throughout the course of that default friendship everything that made you take the chance of being more than friends in the first place.  Those constant reminders of a love lost makes it very difficult to enjoy and abide by the rules of being platonic.

What's the last thing you said face to face to this person you're trying to be platonic with?
"I hate you. I wish you did things differently."  And I meant it. So many things went wrong so fast, things that could have been worked through, things that didn't have to happen.  Half of me hates him for putting me through that and I'm sure the feeling is mutual.  I hate when things are broken that could easily be fixed.  How the hell did you break it in the first place?

What's the other half of you feeling?
::bows head:: I love him and I feel so ashamed for it.

Ashamed? That's an emotion that goes along with guilt. Are you guilty?
Wouldn't you feel guilty if you convinced yourself you were done with something and the minute an opportunity arises, you realized you were never done? I feel like I lied to myself and to everyone that watched me go through it.  I said I was done. I left.  I ceased all contact.  And then here I am, in the midst of unforeseen events and everything I said is exactly the opposite of what I feel.  Ashamed is putting it lightly.  Who wants to love someone who has hurt them?  That's a blow to the ego of every person that helped put me back together again.  I'm waiting for that moment of clarity that say it's ok to still love someone that took up so much of your life but I don't think I'll ever reach the point where loving someone new can ever involve loving someone old.

Does your current situation have anything to worry about?
Last week I would have said, no.  Today, I'm not so sure.  I can't guarantee how I'm going to feel tomorrow. Sh.t today I didn't know I was going to feel like this.  I do know that I don't ever want to hurt anyone intentionally especially for anyone else.  Every decision has to be made independently with only the person that it is directly affecting in mind.

If you could say anything to the person from your past that has you in this predicament, what would it be?
I tried to think of something, but I haven't figured out my opening line.  I know that whatever I'll say, I want it to be a direct reflection of what I want from them or what I don't want. I don't want any confusion. Once I figure, what I would like the end result to be, I think my opening will come to me.

Till then?
Till then I am going to appreciate what I have, take only what I need and eliminate what I want.

That's pretty selfless, is that even conceivable?
I think it's about high time that I stop being selfish.  I know that what I want is important but if I have everything I need, then why go searching through Pandora's Box? Every happiness is not going to be the same and every love is not going to have the same intensity.  Different doesn't mean less than.  That's what's conceivable.