seven whole days

this week has been one for the books.  like vivian green said, this emotional roller coaster is not healthy. let me the hell off.  i've been going up, down, back and forth, in more ways than one.  i'm dizzy and i need to sit down.  i've experienced pain and joy in this week alone.  i've cried on a sidewalk and kissed someone until the sun came up.  i've been all over the place with absolutely nowhere to go.  i know my life is in shambles when all my friends can do is offer support.  no advice, just 'i'm here for you even though your hair is in ceely braids & you're throwing up fish filet sandwiches.'  maybe i've done too much, maybe i haven't done enough but whichever one it is, it has me all the way confused.  


for instance, you ever like someone at the wrong time?  maybe you moved to a new city, maybe he knows way too many people you know, maybe he flirted with one of your friends in elementary school but whatever the case, you feel like liking him could not come at a worse time!  but you really can't stop yourself, he's probably looking right and feeling better but two days ago that's not what you wanted.  sh.t, today, that still might not be what you want.  so how do you tread the fine line between liking someone and not doing anything about it?  do you kill yourself with guilt wondering what his lips taste like or do you go for it and deal with the guilt of knowing what his lips taste like the next morning? how do you decide which path is the right one?  ok and i know you're going to say, 'well, it depends on what you want.' UM HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING?  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  i used to. i'm not going to lie.  i used to know exactly what i wanted and where to get it but as of late, what i want and what i need haven't been quite the same so we'll put that in the box of problems to deal with later.  but anyway, maybe you don't want a relationship, but you like this person.  so what do you do with all that curiosity?  i say, start knitting. make that young man a sweater, not a problem.  


and let's say you're bold enough to go for this guy even at the wrong time, what happens next?  you like him so can he really be a fling?  you like him but can he really be a relationship this soon? you like him BUT….yeah what happens after that but? to be honest, i don't know how people like a lot of people, that seems exhausting.  it's very rare that someone catches my attention on a deeper level but when they do, i get pissed because i genuinely don't know what to do with those feelings.  how people like three and four other people at a time is BEYOND ME.  i can't feign that much interest at any given moment.  i either like you or i don't and flirting has nothing to do with that.  [remind me to talk about flirting later]  i don't want to be anxious about receiving a text message or a phone call.  i don't want to get excited because i know we're going to be in the same place.  i don't want to smile when you walk through the door.  i want to enjoy whatever i'm doing without thinking of what i could be doing with you.  but i understand that liking someone is the first step so i respect it but it's not something i personally enjoy.  and if i think liking someone is exhausting, don't get me started on love.  the only difference is that love at least replenishes itself from time to time.  but liking someone? that's always up in the air when it comes to being reciprocated. it's too shallow to feel like a guarantee.  


either way, i've been going through what feels like a wash cycle of my own emotions.  i am just spinning at this point.  but i'm sure i will come out of this phase with one of two things: a headache or a relationship.  at least if the former gets bad, i can take a pill but the latter? well, there's no pain medicine for heartbreak.  should i take my chances?