Shh...

I have finally reached the point that I cannot write about him anymore.  Why?  Because he and what I feel for him is truly indescribable.  First time in my life that a loss for words is not a loss at all.

The freestyle

we're different. i get it.  but even the moon and the sun share the same sky.
rotating in each other's space
whispering to the same clouds
watching over the same lands
loving the same seas
the humble rose admires the wisest sycamore 
and the bark is sweeter than they make you believe
syrup running down the thighs of trees
tears on blades of grass
who know not why they cry
who know not whom they've betrayed
nature spreads her legs gently to mankind
where man has never been kind
looking into the pupils of pupils who want to learn
and yet have no idea how much teaching they are doing instead
bruised egos
battered spirits
line up to ask God for one more favor
one more consideration
for the hand of a daughter whose name is Forgiveness
meanwhile the moon and the sun share the same sky
loving one another from a distance
growing fonder
growing wiser
understanding space and time
learning that love never dies
it just shines differently
some shine in the morning
and some illuminate the night…
i get it
we're different
but even the moon and the sun share the same sky

A Natural Woman

"when my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it"


This was a beautiful video of her and an amazing rendition of a true & relevant classic.

Unlike myself

running through hoops
that once looked like halos 
dark
circles
waves of compromise
shadows of integrity
returned into dust
from the way in which he rubbed me
made a chest of sandpaper
feet heavy like stone
face stoic like granite
just another element
sitting in the desert
space versus emptiness
the power to create versus the lack of motivation to do so
watched him swell like the wind
as he blew pieces of me away
giants are only egos who don't need sex to come into restricted spaces
nonetheless, he was mourned
and grass grew from the tears
blades that cut its way out of the dirt
reached for the sun
made the space so un-empty
and a man so unloved
even the path of reformation seeks retribution
whether it be in the form of sprouting lilies or beating hearts
even death is born

I can't make you

When a voice is as powerful as the words it's singing, Lord.

While we're on the topic...

Mariah Carey has taken us through all the emotions love has to offer.  I have to respect a voice that can sing all eight octaves effortless and effectively.  Congratulations to her and her new bundles of joy.

Classics

One of my favorite Christmas songs!!! I know I'm early, but there was never a penalty for that.  Enjoy!

It's me!

You might have noticed that I've been responding to comments more than usual.  What you haven't noticed is that I don't read my own blog!  I have no idea what you are talking about usually.  Of course there are some pieces that stick out in my mind because people respond to some more than others.  So as I was going through these comments I actually had to go back and read the things I've written.  I am very shocked, not by the words but by the resilience of mankind.  We are going through some things and it's amazing that every day we rise to the occasion.  I wish I had a better memory so I could have a favorite but I'm working on it.  It's a lot to read and I commend you for sitting through this and I commend you more for living through this.  


I know some of you ask, how do I do this or how do I know your thoughts.  I actually don't know how I do this at all.  If I did, I would bottle it and sell it on Fordham road.  And if you don't know about Fordham road, ya better ask somebody! Lol. I also don't know your thoughts but most people are more alike than they are different.  We are not indpendent creatures, self sustaining, yes but not independent.  We are having a shared experience and some people simply notice that more than others.  Thanks for visiting and thank you for your comments.  Sometimes my voice gets lonely! I appreciate it!

Speak your piece, I'm listening...

I Love the last line of this "Love hard when you're young, but love wise to stay that way" so true so true written by Theory Republic on This Love Thing


Thank you. I love it too.  Glad it came to me.  My alternative ending was "Love hard when you're young, love wise when you're old." 

Speak your piece, I'm listening...

I love this - written by Ms. She on On my own 


Thank you.  Definitely not one of my favorites.

Speak your piece, I'm listening...

That.was.amazing - ACNIMMONS written on Twelve Little Words


Smiles. Thank. you. very. much. Try it.  I'd love to hear how it worked for you.  It does different things to different people.  Feel free to share or not. =)

Speak your piece, I'm listening..

I love this. Often times I want to go out and act a fool because I can. Or better yet because I know he can. But once I have the opportunity it all ends up being some half-hearted attempt at a feeling I know very well doesn't exist for me at that moment - written on That Gray Area


I've learned never to match someone else's behavior.  I used to be all for it though.  However, my parents always say, "no two people luck is the same."  If you want to act a fool, act a fool but do it for yourself.  If you want to cheat, then own that, but don't to it because you THINK the other person is doing any of these things.  God forbid they're not and your stuck with consequences and feelings that are completely unwarranted.  Guilt.  Everyone carries it differently.


This song below, reminded me of this comment.  Maybe it will pull it all together for you?

The Backlash

I tweeted earlier that "I just want one friend that I don't have to share with everyone else.  Just one.  A completely independent experience from all the rest."  I legitimately mean that.  It has become "best friend this and best friend that" that I almost feel like I ended up with none.  In a beautiful effort to have everyone get along, it was like everybody became best friends with everybody else's best friends.  There's absolutely no separation.  I turn to one friend, she's talking about the other.  I turn to another friend, she's talking about my ex.  I turn to another and his ass is talking about my other friend.  I have no space.  There are no boundaries.  I can honestly say I hate it and there's not too many things I hate.  There's not even 5 things I hate actually but that's one of them.  I do like the fact that everyone gets along but I don't like the fact that everyone is becoming best friends based on circumstance instead of valid interest.  In fact, I went from having friends to having to explain who they are, if that makes sense.  It's like "who's that, why's she doing that, why'd he say that, why aren't y'all talking, she said this, she was here, where were you?" UM. All these questions have exhausted me.  I think I talk about my friendships more than I enjoy them.  And what I really want to say is, you wouldn't be so shocked if you took the time to actually know the person.  But since everybody's "friends," everybody "knows" each other.  NO point in being redundant. 


And when everybody thinks they're friends, the amount of things that are said that should never be said increase tenfold.  I've heard things, like, "wait how the f.ck do you know that?"  OH…my friend told you because now y'all are friends.  I don't even think it's out of a malicious place but when people think they are closer than they really are, they ended up farther than they anticipate.  And then there I am, trying to clean up a mess I didn't make.  And I have to keep everyone's secrets.  I'm overflowing with secrets for men I don't love and women I can't understand.  And you know why I have to keep secrets?  Because they're not f.cking FRIENDS!  I almost want to put a time limit like if you didn't know this person for three years or more, stop telling them all y(our) damn business but that's unfair because time isn't always relevant, not is it always a direct correlation to depth but I wish it was.  It's as if I'm playing chess with a bunch of people that are beginners.  I just want to flip the f.cking table over but that's just rude.  The truth is, there are too many conflicting interests for a true friendship to thrive.  DEADASS.  And considering that my friendships have BEEN TRIED these last few months, I might be ok with resigning.  I don't have sidekicks.  I'm not a sidekick.  I've built my own life, my own reputation and most importantly my own relationships.  Everybody can be friends and not have an idea of what that means.  I'll tell you this, everybody I call my friend, I have known for YEARS, with the exception of two, who shall rename nameless.  We've invested, we've loved, we've grown, we've laughed, we've cried…as a matter of fact, that's my new damn rule.  If you haven't seen someone cry (and not that shallow cry, that deep cry from the pit of their soul), y'all ain't friends.  That sounds crazy but it might work.  Anyway. I've heard the word friend thrown around so much that I'm actually convinced I don't have a best one anymore. 


Like my little angel in my inbox told me, "be prepared for the backlash." 

Confidence

I believe in a sense of confidence.  I know that there are things I'm good at and I'm more aware of the things I'm not good at.  Most things that I don't do properly, it's not because I can't, it's usually because I don't care enough.  How do I know this?  Because I usually stay away from the things I'm not good at.  There's no point in embarrassing myself doing something I know I'm not getting any better at.  But I do believe in confidence.  If you don't believe in your own abilities, no one will. Though I've seen some people become completely arrogant, I do admire the fact that they at least believe in themselves.  I don't think I'm exceptionally good at any one thing.  No I'm not fishing for compliments at all and please don't bring up the writing thing because I see so many things that can be worked on, that exceptional would not be my ideal word to describe this.  Regardless of that, I do think that I can do the things I want to do if I put my mind to it.  The thing with arrogance though is that idea that there's nothing to improve upon.  I don't really like that too much.  I will never be that great of a writer that my ass doesn't recognize that there are better writers.  There is no room for arrogance in a world where perfection does not exist.


Moving forward, the reason I say this, is because I notice some people think they're way better at certain things than they are.  Look, everything isn't for everyone.  I can't draw.  I can't commit to events and sometimes people.  I cannot pretend to care when I don't (which is a talent I really wish I had).  I cannot turn my back on someone I loved.   When I say that sh.t is unconditional, I mean it. There's plenty of things I cannot do.  But there are a few things, I can.  Know what you can do and build upon that.  Who cares that I can't draw?  Sheesh. I can construct a sentence though.  There's too many people running around saying that they can't do anything.  If that's the case, then start doing something.  Dabble in different things until you find one that you feel the slightest bit of confidence in.  It's very hard for anyone to believe that you have self esteem without an understanding of self.  I'm just saying, you deserve to know how wonderful you are.  You just have to tap into it first.

You should read the Alchemist

Did I tell y'all that I've been reading books like my life depended on it?  Well, tonight, I'll tell you about the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.  I've always known what my dream was and that's a blessing I've always recognized.  It can also be a curse.  If I am ever to attain my dream, it will feel like I have waited forever.  I try to calm myself down by remembering that most authors released their first book well into their 30s.  I've learned not to rush my process but to trust it and well the Alchemist reinforced that for me.  Like it said, "There's just no way to hold back the river."


I know a few people that are desperately searching for their dream.  The thing with finding your dream is taking responsibility for it and I know I've posted before that we are a society that is not too big a fan of responsibility.  Once you realize where you want to go, the next step is to actually go and that can be intimidating.   What if it doesn't work?  What if works too well and you get overwhelmed?  What if you get to it and you realize you hate it?  There's a million things that could happen even though you only want one thing to happen and that is to succeed.  Sometimes I think, knowing and not knowing can be just as scary.  Either way, I believe in following dreams and I believe that you will go through hell and high water to get there.  I mean, you have to earn your stripes.  I don't want to get to my dream and feel like I didn't earn it, like I didn't work hard for it, like I don't know this craft inside and out.  When I finish this book, I want to know my purpose, my potential, my errors, my blood, sweat and tears.  I want to feel every emotion known to man or woman, and own them because that's what I need to feel complete.  Fulfilling a dream is like childbirth.  You have one foot in the door and one foot in the grave and at any moment, you're willing to die for something bigger than yourself.  Apparently, "Every search begins with beginner's luck.  And ever search ends with the victor's being severely tested."  (sounds like labor if you ask me, sh.t I remember)


I've always felt somewhat crazy because I enjoy my emotions, even the negative ones.  They remind me that I'm human and that I'm still involved in the cycle of humanity.  When I'm sad, I know I'll be happy again.  When I'm happy, I know sadness is coming.  I know that deep in my emotions lies the seeds of growth.  I am ok with the growing pains.  I don't avoid feeling terrible and I don't avoid feeling happy.  I embrace them as reminders to myself that just went it started getting dark for a caterpillar, he can see the light of the sun as a butterfly.  I don't know if other people think like that or if that train of thought means I have a rare mind but what I do know is that I have a beautiful mind.  We all do and in recognizing the beauty of it, we have to understand the different channels that run throughout it.  Pain is inevitable and having spent so much time fearing it, it never made it any easier to deal with.  Being afraid of getting my heart broken did not stop it from breaking.  Being afraid of writing this book does not stop me from writing.  Like Paulo said, "tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.  And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."  But really though, every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.  If that ain't the damn truth.  I have to say, I'm not very religious but I would be lying if I said, I didn't find God every time I sat down to write something.  I'm actually pretty convinced that God writes to you and I just happen to get a sneak peak because it's coming through my fingertips, much like the virgin Mary. Now, do you understand Virgin Fingertips?  I'm only a vessel, a little piece of borrowed flesh and breath searching for a dream handed down to me, set to be prepared for me to hand down to someone else.  That is my purpose for now, I don't know if it will change but since the third grade, it has stayed the same.


Now, you all should know by now how into astrology I am and I'm a Leo, who's a fixed fire sign represented by the Sun and the Lion.  We do not move, we do not falter, we do not fail and also, we stay a safe distance from the very things/people we love and provide for.  The planets rotate around the Sun and it gives its energy every single day to mostly ungrateful recipients.  But the Sun can never get too close and it doesn't get any dimmer.  It's purpose is to protect and sustain the life of its revolving planets and no desire must get in the way of that.  There is no one to comfort the Sun, hear its secrets, to be honest, there is nothing that anyone has that the Sun needs.  In the Alchemist the sun says, "I'm a long way from the earth - I learned how to love.  I know that if I came even a little bit close to the earth, everything there would die and the Soul of the World would no longer exist.  So we contemplate each other and we want each other and I give it life and warmth, and it gives me my reason for living."  That's exactly how I feel.  I feel like I require something no one has.  And I also know that as close as my friends have gotten to me, they are still so far, knowing only a shell of me, knowing that I want to protect them and love them all the while understanding that they cannot protect and love me back in that way, in that fashion, in that depth.  It's nobody's fault but it is a loss I have gotten accustomed to.  They will probably be up in arms like "b.tch I know you" and I will smile coyly and think to myself, "You honestly have no idea who I am because you have no idea who I was."  I will be sad for a short time but having carried on friendships for years without people knowing me doesn't make them any less significant.  I love them just the same and I understand and appreciate them for the simple fact that the little they do know about me, they love anyway.  I understood a long time ago that you can't protect anyone you're not willing to die for and I've always marveled in my own death more than my life.  My life will be in vain if my death is of no substance.  The misstep of motherhood has only enhanced that purpose of protection and unlimited giving and although I had no intentions of being a mother, I'm sure the Sun never asked for its position in the sky.


All in all, I think our dreams are handed to us and we come across plenty of things that overshadow them.  Boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, school, temporary gratification, children, mothers, friends can all get in the way of dreams.  We find ourselves making excuses to stop following them.  I came to a roadblock a few months ago, when I posted, "would you give up your dreams for someone you saw in them?"  I thought long and hard, I tore myself apart trying to find an answer that everyone would love.  I realized that I loved someone, very much, very unexpectedly, loved them at the wrong time.  But as much as he was for my dream, he wasn't in my dream with me.  Because he couldn't love my dream as he loved me like the two were synonymous, I started to come to terms with the fact that being together would end up tearing me apart.  So I chose my dream, my first love, my only love, my unconditional love.  While it is hard to choose the intangible over the flesh and blood of a man, "You must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his personal legend.  If he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love…the love that speaks the Language of the World."  Maybe one day, we will work and I hope that he will fall in love with my dreams because that's ultimately where he will fall in love with me.


I don't know what your dreams are and I don't know if you've ever felt empty.  But whenever I've felt empty, I realize that I'm not empty at all.  I find a morsel of strength, a leftover memory that reminds me that this journey is not over, that the worst has not happened but when it does, I will be well equipped.  You won't have everything figured out.  That would just be too damn easy, but the first step, which is by far the most intimidating is to admit to yourself what your dream is.  No matter how simple it sounds to you or how simple it sounds to everyone else, you can only chase your dreams if you acknowledge them.  I'm a writer.  That's what I do, that's what I've always done.  I don't know if I do it well or if I don't but I do know that it's what I wake up every morning wanting to do.  That's my dream.  Now yours awaits you.  Go.

Speak your piece, I'm listening...

i like it.... -your biggest fan written on We can call it love for now


Thank you very much.  I think I like it too.

Speak your piece, I'm listening...

How long have you been single now?


That's a good question.  Would you believe me if I said I have absolutely no idea? If only being single was a clear as being together.  I will say this though, I do want to go back to my relationship with open arms and a list of things I've worked on - something like areas of improvement.  Sounds silly but it's true. The most important thing I've learned about being single though (in these last four months or so) is to be single with a purpose.  My purpose being: learning how to give and express the very things I require.  What a journey!

On my own

I guess I write with a particular voice.  I've grown into a rhythm that I don't necessarily know if I'm comfortable with or if it's simply my inner voice getting comfortable with the rest of me.  But then again, every few months, my rhythm changes, my love gets overpowered by own narcissistic denial and my voice grows with bass or softens to the whisper of women in the morning.


That being said, this won't sound like me to you, but to me, I don't remember sounding like anything else.  Let me talk my sh.t. 


Some girls dream of marriage when they're younger
Can't say that I did
Can't dream of something that didn't exist in my life
Closest thing I understood of a relationship was Mary and Joseph
And even then he was taking care of someone else's kid
Much like my own mother
I felt like she was borrowing me
I was always drawn to a higher purpose
It was never enough to be my mother's daughter
Never enough to be my father's pride and joy
I glanced into the future anticipating the day, where I could be in arms I chose
Desperate to make love that I felt I was denied
Yearning to understand love on my own terms
Outside of my own flesh and blood
I was dying to know what it felt like to live
And I scrambled from underneath my mother's palms as soon as my hormones started raging
Using my smile and my wit to confuse men into loving me
Sex was never my power, it wasn't even my hobby
Love was my sport
Leaving trails of broken hearts to test my own confidence
To test my own ability to understand something I thought I was missing
Girls will say that I have so many options never understanding that the only time you need options is when your situation isn't perfect for you
Yet and still, I scroll through those options, learning men like I had learned the Bible
By already knowing the outcome
Death is inevitable
Sin is promising
And even a mother's love won't save you
But as of late
I've been craving the mouth of a man, the smell of a man, the shadow of a superhero
I almost want to make love in the sands of the desert
Turning into dust just to blow in another direction
And I want to roll over, intertwined in legs that aren't mine, being touched with unfamiliar hands
I want another body to occupy
And since I've never had a love that lasted forever
Just give me a few years
A few Christmas,' a few Thanksgivings, a few Easters so I could understand a childhood with memories
So I can know what the big deal was about and why Santa never brought me a peace of mind
Lord knows, the most expensive gifts are the ones that don't fit under a tree
Especially if all you want to do is hang yourself from it
I just want to know what love is like
The reciprocated, unconditional, love me from the bottom of my narrow feet to the strands of my dirty hair
I want to know
And I don't want to read about it
I don't want hear about it
I want to feel it gripping at my hair, clasping my thighs, bruising my ego and choking the very arrogance out of me
I want to be a burning building that someone runs into just to save me only to realize that in love, it is till death to us part
Come, lay in this smoke with me.

We found love

Now, I always say I'm going to stop blogging about Rihanna but she is growing and that's what this blog is about!  Which brings me to a bigger point.  I think the people that really understand the message of this post have been in love or in a relationship that changed their whole way of thinking.  That being said, I cannot wait until one of my friends fall in love.  Love is truly indescribable and unique between the two people.  No relationship is the same.  Things that work in one can be fatal to another.  


I think that people that haven't been in love share a certain naivety to its effects.  It's hard to understand something you've never felt.  It's especially hard to give something you've never owned either.  It's almost in the same respect that you won't know how much your mother loves you until you have a child of your own.  I used to be skeptical about these ideas of thought but then I gave birth and realized, even my mother can't comprehend how much I love my own child.  So it's safe to say that experience runs deeper than potential.  Although, we eventually learn that love is supposed to be certain things like the scripture says, "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."  Most of us only come to that kind of love after having been through something quite different.  


Scientifically, the brain reacts to being in love the same way it reacts to being high on drugs.  It can very well turn into addiction and it can spur on ridiculous behavior that would have never been considered in a stable and logical state of mind.  Though it's been scientifically proven, it's still damn near impossible to grasp if you haven't felt it.  I think Rihanna's new video is a very artistic and realistic view of how things can spin out of control (sometimes) when you're in love.  Sometimes, you are too deep to see how shallow a situation is.  Sometimes you can't bring yourself out of a certain space with someone.  I think the most important part of the video is the quick monologue in the beginning.  Those feelings happen to people more often than we address.  Sometimes there's such a combination of love and hate or pain and euphoria that you have feelings of guilt, shame and/or embarrassment at your own behavior.  It's a tricky road to be on especially when you're young and you simply don't know any better.


But once you figure out how beautiful love can be when it's healthy, there's usually no turning back.

Justin & Mila

Their chemistry is undeniable.  Please add them to the cutest non-couples ever after Tupac & Jada and Tyrese & Taraji.

What's even funnier is that like the two couples mentioned above, they're VERY good friends.

Friends make the best lovers or what?

This love thing

Being single is never black and white.  Our last relationship always carries over its grayness into the possibility of brighter days.  And is it strange to want to fix what's broken?  Once you learn what went wrong in your relationship, is it terrible to want to go back and try again if the problem(s) can be fixed?  Is it strange that your unconditional love requires the audacity to keep trying when the humanity in you just wants to give up?


I think or rather I've seen a few instances where people are just unwilling to compromise with their partner and accept their partner, flaws and all.  Though you don't have to accept anything you don't want to, isn't the beauty of having a significant partner that you are willing to accept things from them that you wouldn't from anyone else?  Isn't that the true exclusivity of relationships?  Not the monogamy but rather the continuous effort to become better with another human being?  I know that there are people who love me and possibly love me to the ends of the earth but it is so rare to find someone who wakes up everyday trying to love me more.  If that isn't a marathon I don't know what is. 


The thing is, we're in a very inconvenient stage in our lives and that goes for a lot of us just based on our careers, ages and living situations.  This economy has us in places that we aren't necessarily comfortable in but we sustain.  Now imagine having a relationship during struggling times like these.  What a beautiful thing to love someone even when it isn't convenient, sh.t, especially when it isn't convenient.  I give praise to all who can do it.  I don't know if love is supposed to hurt or not but most often times, it brings you to someone who will and they may not even do it intentionally or maliciously.  But the moment you open your heart to another human being, pain is damn near inevitable simply because any open wound is susceptible to infection and I'm starting to think that's what love is - an open wound that you hope your significant other stitches back up but you never know if they're going to get it right.  Either way, you trust them with this wound to leave you with a neat, little scar instead of having to lose the entire limb.


Someone asked me tonight, what was my thing and what is my thing.  I've grown out of a lot of phases that I thought was so necessary and I answered, "Relationships were my thing but love is my thing."  Ownership can mean that you have power but freedom?  Well that means that you don't even need ownership to be powerful.


Love hard when you're young but love wise to stay that way. 

Not gonna happen

I will never write about my daughter's father and that says more than enough.

Goodbye

Goodbye is a word I struggle with.  My love runs so deep that goodbye feels awkward sharing the same space in such a broad vocabulary.  But I know goodbyes must happen.  I understand how valuable they can be,  but I also see how damaging they can be and to follow my mantra of doing more good than harm, I try to avoid goodbyes at all costs.  And then I realize, sometimes the cost of not saying goodbye is often one I cannot afford.


I love your brown eyes but goodbye.

Carrying you with me

Oh how I've missed you! I've been on this self reflection journey and I've been reading books like my life depends on it.  It probably does though.  We'll talk about the books later though.  That's going to be a long post so look forward to that soon enough. But anyway let's just jump right into my thoughts.


I had been watching him for some time now
Across the dirt road lying in between us like men between warm thighs and women between men and their wives
He had caught my attention wholeheartedly
My heart was beating to his breath 
I could count his eyelashes from where I was standing
Wondering how I got so blessed to find an angel on a dirt road
Under the deafening moonlight and the judgmental stars
I wondered if he could even notice me cloaked by midnight's shadows
I had hoped he could smell the chocolate from pupils and salivate with desire to taste the things I saw
I licked my lips in the warm night
Steamier than usual
More sensual than usual
More dominant than I had ever been
I wanted him
Wrapped around me like Christmas time for rich, white folks and like the sun on the backs of poor, black ones
I wanted to feel his fingers count the blocks of my spine until he realized that I was built of something that could be counted on
I wanted to take him into me like scriptures to pastors and commandments to sinners and like bad boys to virgins
I wanted to make the kind of love that women don't tell their daughters about
He had me leaned up watching him on the other side of the road wondering if we were ever gonna be on the same page
If we were ever going to go in the same direction
If we were ever going to go anywhere but here
In this small town with small dreams and big mouths
I wanted to run away with him and carry his kisses in my cheeks to make my face full
I wanted to take him with me like fresh tattoos on the flesh of my back so when I turned, people would know where I was going and nothing about where I came from
I wanted to love him in mysteries only to be unlocked by the hand of Aphrodite herself
I wanted him to tattoo his lips behind my ears so I could always hear his voice
I loved this man from the other side of the world
And when he finally touched me, when he finally kissed me, I stopped breathing
My body trembled with anxiety
While he wiped my hair from my furrowed brow, I left the scent of my shampoo on his pillow
He left his fingerprints on my eyelids
He left my tastebuds on fire
I left my vows on his tongue
When I tell you, I loved that man in a moment sacred enough to make the devil keep a secret
Well, you couldn't even understand
It was just something you had to be there for
And so I carry him with me
In my purse when I'm searching for something greater than myself
When I'm looking for something familiar
When I'm trying to locate something I own
I carry him with in the back of my knees, in the dust of my ribs, in the corners of my lips, underneath my eyelids, on the nape of my neck, in the cherry of my thighs
I carry him with me like the clouds get carried by the sky
I loved him and it was my destiny to tell him so

Material things

I have this weird thing about me.  I don't get attached to material things, I'm not sure when that started but it's been that way for as long as I can remember.  I am careful not to lose or damage my things but as far as getting attached, I simply don't do it, unless it's my Macbook PRO. I will shed blood over this computer.  However, I always look at people's wedding bands.  Though I know that there's more significance than it just being an inanimate object but I always wonder, will I ever wear a wedding band, not because I'm scared I won't get married but because I don't even wear rings.  More importantly, if my spouse passed, God forbid, would I still wear it?  Despite my distaste for attachment to material things, I'm still a sentimental person.  I still have movie tickets saved and I make creative gifts that are very unique to the person they're intended for.  I just wonder if love will make an inanimate object like a gold wedding band more important than any other tangible item I've ever come across. Hope so.

Who's your happiness?

I think it's my inability to be consumed by another person that serves as the ticking time bomb in relationships.  I heard someone say the other day, "he was my happiness" when talking about someone they loved and how they began the journey of moving on without him.  I had to think for a moment if I ever considered someone my "happiness" and the answer is no.  Although there are people that have genuinely made me happy, I don't recall them being my happiness.  I do think that's a beautiful thing though.  It must take an enormous amount of vulnerability to believe that someone is the key to whatever light shines inside of you.  I'm no expert when it comes to relationships but I am an expert of my own love.  And while I can love unconditionally and to a fault, I think my happiness is mine and mine alone.  I will not lie to you and tell you that I'm not afraid to be consumed.  I am deathly afraid to love another human being more than myself with the exception of what motherhood requires of course.  I just can't imagine that, not yet.  In fact, I've been going over in my mind what being in love feels like.  I have only been in love once and I would say, I was really close to a second time but like I said, I'm too afraid to be consumed.  

Now some people think I've been in relationships for far too long.  I don't think love exhausts me though and I don't think I lose myself in other human beings.  I am so blessed to have found men that brought out amazing things from me.  My first love tapped into a strength and a weakness I didn't know I had.  My second taught me the beauty of sacrifice and what it means to have standards.  And well my third…I'm still learning.

But when you're alone, alone meaning single, I hear that it is a time for self reflection, which is cool but self reflection doesn't end when you're in a relationship.  I think it's my quest to becoming a better person that keeps me tied to other people.  If I stayed in my room all day, even though I know there are things about my personality I could work on, they would never be tested.  I would never be pushed to do better.  It's like that theory, 'you can't bite your own flesh.'  It's damn near impossible to see what you do to other people, if you don't put yourself in a position to be with other people.  I think relationships or at least mine, are very self reflective.  The thought of another person really inspiring me to be better by pushing me to those limits is a challenge I'm very often interested in.  Your own mind is often too small to grasp it's own potential and too large to notice when you're not using that potential.  Do I understand that people get wrapped up in other people?  Yep.  Do I understand how another person can be your happiness? Yep.  Do you understand that I'm neither of those people?  You will, you might later, you might never but the point is, you have to know who you are before ANY relationship.  Just because you aren't forthcoming or because you aren't the movie type, doesn't mean you CAN'T be.  Who you are doesn't have to be who you will always be.  I have plenty of flaws and I am working on three of them currently, but I know who I am. I've always known and it's that peace of mind that is my happiness.  So yeah, for now, whoever he is or whoever he might be, is gonna have to take second place on that one.

Chess

So I guess since I caught up to day 15, it's time for day 16 which reads: Respond to the poem you posted yesterday with a poem of your own. I'll respond to Netty's poem primarily because it's more realistic for me. (I don't even like poems...)

I couldn't warn of you of his kind
I couldn't leave my footsteps in fresh white snow for you to avoid them
For you to realize that there was no cabin waiting for you with the flickering light from a fireplace to keep you warm
I couldn't tell you that sometimes queens become too powerful for their kings
And have to hide their crowns in their bookshelves or in their pantries
In places he would not look
I couldn't tell you that every man wants a woman on his side without being on the side of the woman
I couldn't tell you how deep it would cut from a man so shallow
I knew though
I knew with every smile, with every phone call, with every casual conversation at the bar
That your glory would end up only a memory and your feelings as words in a diary he would never read
I wanted to tell you
I wanted to cry for you but considering I didn't make love to him, I could not be the one to make excuses for him
It hurts still, some days more than others
Glancing at him from across the room while having a conversation in your head will never give you the answers you need
Seeking closure from a man who was never open will never ease what you feel
You know the other girls are fake but to him it's feels so real
Time will eventually catch up and you will finally see
That just because he was the man by your side, that doesn't mean he was fit for a queen

Long overdue

You've probably noticed or maybe you haven't that I've been stuck on day 15 for quite some time.  Day 15 being: post a poem written by someone else, that I love, for any reason.  I kept going back and forth over who I wanted the poet to be and then I kept going back and forth over what a poet was so I'm going to give you two.  One will be from a poet I had the pleasure of seeing perform.  God really knows if it's a poem but this is the one I chose. I really believe the depth of her work is in her voice, her delivery and her linguistics but nonetheless the words are powerful and life changing with a sense of demand.  I also chose this video because violence on college campuses always strikes a nerve in me for some reason.  I haven't figured out why.  Either way, listen carefully.





This following poem is actually so good, it's easily become one of my favorites and the poet herself?  To call her amazing would be an understatement.  But having the opportunity to watch her bloom for these last few months has opened my eyes to really trusting the process of finding oneself.  Join her journey at Thee 10th Letter.


Flat Broke


My thoughts leaking from my mouth
I know I'll pay the repercussions
Down to my last dime
You say "we're" not up for discussion 
Like here I am cashing out on a conversation gone sour
I paid my debt in 2 years
And you can't give me half an hour
Maybe to rekindle a loose string one knitted
Tightly fitted
But I guess it wasn't what it se(a)med
Trying to be short after a long break up
Putting together words overdue
Like you can put me back in then bounce
I'm flat broke
Explain why I'm laid up reading our old texts
Waiting to get the next, while wearing the title
"EX"
But clothed in wives white, veil across my face
And you say "I look nice 
Just keep my dress on and wait for our wedding night 
Stuck in a dream but really living
Inception so deceptive
Empty pockets but I'm still giving
Like you'll awake one day and feel the same way I'm feeling
Let go of those other women
And lend me change for at least a minute
-Netty

Keep walking

Completely out of character for a moment. Let me talk my sh.t


I let down my guard and let you in
deep inside
tombs where other men were laid to rest
opened the curtains
let my light reflect off of your smile
put my hand in yours
interlocked our fingers as our bodies fit like puzzle pieces
I inhaled
I took you into me like mothers of frightened children
I promised you I wouldn't leave
spread my legs and opened my mind
shut my mouth and closed the door
you took my thighs into your mouth
and bit down into unfamiliar flesh
the ignored pieces of my body
you thought were pretty enough to make portraits of
you thought were sustaining enough to feed yourself
I fed you from the flesh of my love
put my tongue in your mouth
tasted your thoughts
swallowed your words
chewed on your hesitations
I gulped you into me
you ran your fingers through my hair
the very strands of me rippled like waves in a thundering sea
you swam in my waters
your body drenched in my tears
and when you entered me, the moon showed its face in the afternoon
one stroke after another
the pulse of lovemaking
the beat of vows
the drum of your organs on my walls
I screamed your name into the sky
named a star after you
kissed a cloud because of you
I know your heart
I dug into your chest with my nails and said hello to it
I left my fingerprints there so when your next girl does a background check, she will find me
sitting there quietly, looking back at her
mouthing the words to the love we made
I will teach her how to drink from your fountain
I will teach her to rock back and forth, up and down with her hands in the air reaching for a God who has taken the night off
I will teach her how to kiss you till the taste of human flesh keeps you full
I will teach her how to take you into her
pound for pound
second by second
fast or slow
I will teach her how to make love to you
to lay in your arms without you having to carry her
to love you without wanting to take anything from you
to love you with the divine purpose of loving you harder, longer and more passionately
I loved you
from the tips of my toes
to the bruises on my calves
to the apex of my thighs
to the curve of my spine
to the dimples of my back
to the swerve of my collarbone
to the roundness of my breasts
to the outline of my lips
to the flexibility of my ears
to the roots of my scalp
I loved you from my head to my toes
I vowed in that lovemaking to make memories worthy enough to make kings jealous and queens insecure
It was there when the wetness of my soul dripped onto your intentions, I vowed to love you forever
And as I watch your broad shoulders and the darkness of your back, I know as a part of your journey, I am not the end of it
My love, walk with my scent on you like the smell of the sun on blooming flowers
Walk with my love cloaked over your secrets like my body once hovered over yours
Walk with my faith clenched in your fists reminiscent of the time you cupped my breasts
Walk with pieces of my soul speckled on you like the freckles of strawberries
Walk my love
Walk until your legs get weak
I promise you the feeling will subside
And if you ever stop walking, if you ever need to rest, if you ever need a moment to lay down and catch yourself
Lay
inside
of
me
There will always be room here because I am empty without you

Picture this

Taken from my iPhone. 

Funny how the exact same picture can look so different. 

Just further proof that two people can be looking at the same thing differently.

I could write you a million letters but what are words to someone who cannot read?

What are emotions to someone who cannot feel?

Wait for it...

Never thought I'd do it.  Again.


Here I go with this celibacy thing again.  Fresh out the clinker called love but feeling more like war, I'm not interested in any physicality in which the male species may offer.  I've loved deeply, maybe not wisely though and if I'm going to recreate anything seemingly related to a relationship, I want it to be real.  I need it to be real.  I did say, if he wasn't the one, then there would be no one for a while.  Not because I believe my destiny is tied to him but rather, I may have lost sight of that destiny in a shadow of any man over six feet.


But….


Love is like a drug and the first day of rehab is always an angry day.  It's a "I can't believe I'm really here" kinda day.  Sometimes you last a few months on the first day or maybe that's just me.  Either way, there's only so many times you can leap into the same fountain trying to come out renewed.  The reality is we end up chasing the first high and never facing the fact that it's unattainable.  Unfortunately we can't date the potential of a person, we can't marry the likelihood of them becoming a better person.  "We could be great" but are we?


The truth is, we're not.  And sometimes sadness creates a space for you to grow into a greatness you can only achieve on your own.


What does this have to do with celibacy?  Because I've loved passionately, honestly and freely, if I can't again, then I won't.  And if I never find it again, then he would have been my first, my last and my only.

Taking a walk

I'm going over the idea that pain is pleasure and so I'm experimenting with it.  Not in the whips and chains sense but the "pain is weakness leaving the body" type thing.  Someone told me the other day that I enjoy the drama of fighting and arguing, which couldn't be further from the truth.  I strongly dislike the war on words between people.  I'm just not afraid of it though.  I am aware that is necessary to disagree, argue and debate.  What I don't think is necessary is degrading another human being and then apologizing for it later.  It was clear to me when those words came out of his mouth that not only did he fully engage in war with me but he clearly did not know his opponent.  Anyone who does not know who they're fighting has already lost and with that, my value on his perception of me ended with that phone call.


Back to pain and pleasure.  I walked today, I walked far and fast.  I wanted to clear my mind but I wanted to see what my body was capable of.  When I was reaching the "this is a long damn walk" point, my body start tingling, my thighs started swinging and I could feel the sweat on my collarbone and between my breasts.  My body was reacting!  My body was adjusting, it was feeling the strain of the walk, the strain of my life actually and it was still working.  And then I felt numb.  I felt the stress falling off of me and suddenly my bag got lighter, my steps were quicker and my breathing was calmer than it's ever been.  I started to exhale.  The pain had finally led me to some pleasure.  The blood had started circulating and my shoulders had finally relaxed.  The things I felt yesterday were simply just that, things I felt yesterday.  I was not bound by them, I was not tied to them, I no longer belonged to those thoughts.  That was the pain and today, during my walk, I had found my pleasure.  I had done something that I didn't know was possible until I started and I considered for a moment, anyone who has ever started a journey.  Sometimes, you know the definitive date of the beginning.  Like jobs tell you the start date. But life is not always as gracious nor convenient.  I did not wake up with the intent to begin a journey.  I woke up by default, defeated by the journey I was taken on the night before.  But tonight I will go to sleep having completed a moment in my life that left me stronger than I had anticipated.  I had to cry the weakness out of me.  I had to sweat out the disappointment.  I had to let my body cringe at the very things my soul was thinking.


A part of me died during that walk but a larger part of me survived.