I think it's my inability to be consumed by another person that serves as the ticking time bomb in relationships. I heard someone say the other day, "he was my happiness" when talking about someone they loved and how they began the journey of moving on without him. I had to think for a moment if I ever considered someone my "happiness" and the answer is no. Although there are people that have genuinely made me happy, I don't recall them being my happiness. I do think that's a beautiful thing though. It must take an enormous amount of vulnerability to believe that someone is the key to whatever light shines inside of you. I'm no expert when it comes to relationships but I am an expert of my own love. And while I can love unconditionally and to a fault, I think my happiness is mine and mine alone. I will not lie to you and tell you that I'm not afraid to be consumed. I am deathly afraid to love another human being more than myself with the exception of what motherhood requires of course. I just can't imagine that, not yet. In fact, I've been going over in my mind what being in love feels like. I have only been in love once and I would say, I was really close to a second time but like I said, I'm too afraid to be consumed.
Now some people think I've been in relationships for far too long. I don't think love exhausts me though and I don't think I lose myself in other human beings. I am so blessed to have found men that brought out amazing things from me. My first love tapped into a strength and a weakness I didn't know I had. My second taught me the beauty of sacrifice and what it means to have standards. And well my third…I'm still learning.
But when you're alone, alone meaning single, I hear that it is a time for self reflection, which is cool but self reflection doesn't end when you're in a relationship. I think it's my quest to becoming a better person that keeps me tied to other people. If I stayed in my room all day, even though I know there are things about my personality I could work on, they would never be tested. I would never be pushed to do better. It's like that theory, 'you can't bite your own flesh.' It's damn near impossible to see what you do to other people, if you don't put yourself in a position to be with other people. I think relationships or at least mine, are very self reflective. The thought of another person really inspiring me to be better by pushing me to those limits is a challenge I'm very often interested in. Your own mind is often too small to grasp it's own potential and too large to notice when you're not using that potential. Do I understand that people get wrapped up in other people? Yep. Do I understand how another person can be your happiness? Yep. Do you understand that I'm neither of those people? You will, you might later, you might never but the point is, you have to know who you are before ANY relationship. Just because you aren't forthcoming or because you aren't the movie type, doesn't mean you CAN'T be. Who you are doesn't have to be who you will always be. I have plenty of flaws and I am working on three of them currently, but I know who I am. I've always known and it's that peace of mind that is my happiness. So yeah, for now, whoever he is or whoever he might be, is gonna have to take second place on that one.
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