Wait for it...

Never thought I'd do it.  Again.


Here I go with this celibacy thing again.  Fresh out the clinker called love but feeling more like war, I'm not interested in any physicality in which the male species may offer.  I've loved deeply, maybe not wisely though and if I'm going to recreate anything seemingly related to a relationship, I want it to be real.  I need it to be real.  I did say, if he wasn't the one, then there would be no one for a while.  Not because I believe my destiny is tied to him but rather, I may have lost sight of that destiny in a shadow of any man over six feet.


But….


Love is like a drug and the first day of rehab is always an angry day.  It's a "I can't believe I'm really here" kinda day.  Sometimes you last a few months on the first day or maybe that's just me.  Either way, there's only so many times you can leap into the same fountain trying to come out renewed.  The reality is we end up chasing the first high and never facing the fact that it's unattainable.  Unfortunately we can't date the potential of a person, we can't marry the likelihood of them becoming a better person.  "We could be great" but are we?


The truth is, we're not.  And sometimes sadness creates a space for you to grow into a greatness you can only achieve on your own.


What does this have to do with celibacy?  Because I've loved passionately, honestly and freely, if I can't again, then I won't.  And if I never find it again, then he would have been my first, my last and my only.