Taking a walk

I'm going over the idea that pain is pleasure and so I'm experimenting with it.  Not in the whips and chains sense but the "pain is weakness leaving the body" type thing.  Someone told me the other day that I enjoy the drama of fighting and arguing, which couldn't be further from the truth.  I strongly dislike the war on words between people.  I'm just not afraid of it though.  I am aware that is necessary to disagree, argue and debate.  What I don't think is necessary is degrading another human being and then apologizing for it later.  It was clear to me when those words came out of his mouth that not only did he fully engage in war with me but he clearly did not know his opponent.  Anyone who does not know who they're fighting has already lost and with that, my value on his perception of me ended with that phone call.


Back to pain and pleasure.  I walked today, I walked far and fast.  I wanted to clear my mind but I wanted to see what my body was capable of.  When I was reaching the "this is a long damn walk" point, my body start tingling, my thighs started swinging and I could feel the sweat on my collarbone and between my breasts.  My body was reacting!  My body was adjusting, it was feeling the strain of the walk, the strain of my life actually and it was still working.  And then I felt numb.  I felt the stress falling off of me and suddenly my bag got lighter, my steps were quicker and my breathing was calmer than it's ever been.  I started to exhale.  The pain had finally led me to some pleasure.  The blood had started circulating and my shoulders had finally relaxed.  The things I felt yesterday were simply just that, things I felt yesterday.  I was not bound by them, I was not tied to them, I no longer belonged to those thoughts.  That was the pain and today, during my walk, I had found my pleasure.  I had done something that I didn't know was possible until I started and I considered for a moment, anyone who has ever started a journey.  Sometimes, you know the definitive date of the beginning.  Like jobs tell you the start date. But life is not always as gracious nor convenient.  I did not wake up with the intent to begin a journey.  I woke up by default, defeated by the journey I was taken on the night before.  But tonight I will go to sleep having completed a moment in my life that left me stronger than I had anticipated.  I had to cry the weakness out of me.  I had to sweat out the disappointment.  I had to let my body cringe at the very things my soul was thinking.


A part of me died during that walk but a larger part of me survived.