I tweeted earlier that "I just want one friend that I don't have to share with everyone else. Just one. A completely independent experience from all the rest." I legitimately mean that. It has become "best friend this and best friend that" that I almost feel like I ended up with none. In a beautiful effort to have everyone get along, it was like everybody became best friends with everybody else's best friends. There's absolutely no separation. I turn to one friend, she's talking about the other. I turn to another friend, she's talking about my ex. I turn to another and his ass is talking about my other friend. I have no space. There are no boundaries. I can honestly say I hate it and there's not too many things I hate. There's not even 5 things I hate actually but that's one of them. I do like the fact that everyone gets along but I don't like the fact that everyone is becoming best friends based on circumstance instead of valid interest. In fact, I went from having friends to having to explain who they are, if that makes sense. It's like "who's that, why's she doing that, why'd he say that, why aren't y'all talking, she said this, she was here, where were you?" UM. All these questions have exhausted me. I think I talk about my friendships more than I enjoy them. And what I really want to say is, you wouldn't be so shocked if you took the time to actually know the person. But since everybody's "friends," everybody "knows" each other. NO point in being redundant.
And when everybody thinks they're friends, the amount of things that are said that should never be said increase tenfold. I've heard things, like, "wait how the f.ck do you know that?" OH…my friend told you because now y'all are friends. I don't even think it's out of a malicious place but when people think they are closer than they really are, they ended up farther than they anticipate. And then there I am, trying to clean up a mess I didn't make. And I have to keep everyone's secrets. I'm overflowing with secrets for men I don't love and women I can't understand. And you know why I have to keep secrets? Because they're not f.cking FRIENDS! I almost want to put a time limit like if you didn't know this person for three years or more, stop telling them all y(our) damn business but that's unfair because time isn't always relevant, not is it always a direct correlation to depth but I wish it was. It's as if I'm playing chess with a bunch of people that are beginners. I just want to flip the f.cking table over but that's just rude. The truth is, there are too many conflicting interests for a true friendship to thrive. DEADASS. And considering that my friendships have BEEN TRIED these last few months, I might be ok with resigning. I don't have sidekicks. I'm not a sidekick. I've built my own life, my own reputation and most importantly my own relationships. Everybody can be friends and not have an idea of what that means. I'll tell you this, everybody I call my friend, I have known for YEARS, with the exception of two, who shall rename nameless. We've invested, we've loved, we've grown, we've laughed, we've cried…as a matter of fact, that's my new damn rule. If you haven't seen someone cry (and not that shallow cry, that deep cry from the pit of their soul), y'all ain't friends. That sounds crazy but it might work. Anyway. I've heard the word friend thrown around so much that I'm actually convinced I don't have a best one anymore.
Like my little angel in my inbox told me, "be prepared for the backlash."
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