no he did not.

"oh. he can tweet but he can't text me back? hmm. ok. i'm just gonna delete his number since he clearly does not use it. hmph!" shakes head in disapproval.

how many of us ladies have thought it or said it? you know i have. but before i start this rant on men who cannot communicate like women, let me just say this, "just because someone doesn't love [text, call or any other type of affection that you believe shows they care] you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they're not loving you with all they have." now i don't know who said that and i don't know what year they said it but it's obvious it wasn't recently.  because nowadays, with at least 15 different ways of communication, women are looking for men to use every single one. mamita, it's not gonna happen. [and when i use the term women, i'm talking about all of us, either when we were younger or when we get older or when we find that guy that makes us lose our wits, we all fall victim to it, but it's necessary to learn so let's just go ahead and embrace it].

it is in my experience that i find that women are GREAT at multitasking. we can go to work, drop the kids off at school, do laundry, pay bills and send a text to him [the him in your life] just to let him know that in the midst of all our crazy, we're still thinking about him.  but men? not so much. when they're at work, they're at work, when they're working out, they're working out and that's it.  now this is not too say, they won't squeeze you in from time to time on a slow day or when they genuinely have you on their mind but there are days, a lot of days that he's just not going to communicate with you like your homegirls do and that's absolutely fine because he's not your homegirl. now, i'm sure someone out there is saying but he's my friend too so we should be able to do that. you're absolutely right, the best relationships are just really good friends with good sex too but and this is a big BUT, not every friend serves the same purpose.  i have friends that i can go shopping with, i have friends that i can go to the bookstore with, i have friends i can take naps with but not every friend will do everything. so why would we put that hefty responsibility on him?

men don't communicate like us and they never will. surely, they compromise sometimes so they don't have to receive the brunt of our attitude but recognize that he's going out of his way to do that and if it doesn't happen every day, we can still appreciate that he tried yesterday.  but it does take some getting used to. if you're anything like me, i have close female friends, quite a few actually. i'm blessed to have those wonderful ladies in my life.  because they're in my life, i've gotten used to a certain way of communicating. we talk ALL the time, whether it's texting, tweeting, calling, skyping, emailing, i have a constant line of communication with my female friends.  since those relationships are predominant in my life, i carry it with me in other relationships i'm pursuing simply because of its habitual nature.  i've come to realize that though that he [whoever he may be at the time] and my female friends are two entirely different relationships. he does certain things and they do certain things. i don't get mad at my female friends when they don't call within twelve hours then why would i get mad at him for those things? why the double standard? maybe he's just busy, maybe he's asleep, maybe he really just forgot to respond. whatever.

that being said, it still bothers the f.ck out of me that you can't text me back but you can tweet FROM THE SAME PHONE you received my text message on.  when you look deeper into it, it's not really the tweeting that bothers me, it's how i've perceived the tweeting.  it feels like the tweeting has taken precedence, like twitter and me are in some kind of competition and i'm the damn runner up. to a man, i'm sure this sounds crazy but since women are so used to putting the people in their lives before everything else, sometimes actually all the time it would feel nice for him to do the same thing.

note: as soon as i pressed submit on this post, my text message came. the universe has a sense of humor i see.

usher, please lead the way

this is for you if you're in love and if you're not, you can pretend for the next three minutes. i'm just saying.

phone boning.

it's safe to say i'm in a music mood today. actually i'm in a sharing mood because i usually don't let people in on my love affair with music.  it's the longest relationship i've been in and it's a marriage of sorts. welcome to my reception.

i still like love chris brown, especially when he sings songs i already like. here's the original by jazmine sullivan.

where i wanna be

oh and i heard donnell jones came out with an album recently.  wish i could tell you about it but i haven't heard it. if it's anything like the donnell jones who sang "where i wanna be," my interest is piqued.

and look at ms. ciara. this brand new single is more about the music than the moves. can't say i'm mad at her for that.

he loves every strand of her hair

i keep a lot of secrets. and this song is everything i would say or have felt to whoever takes that spot in my life, my cherished little secret.  the video is gorgeous and sensual. it's an intimate display of intimacy, if that makes sense.  and the contrast between the husband and wife [musician Seal and model, tv producer, Heidi Klum] was absolutely beautiful.  play, repeat and enjoy.

day 22 challenge

something about me that makes me different from everyone else.

now come on. i don't know everyone else to sniff out what makes me different but it couldn't hurt to make a few educated guesses. my first name is pretty unique. i don't usually write it on the internet but i'm sure someone has.  it's like the bourgeoisie version of jessica. also, i'm incredibly and naively transparent.  that's not what makes me different though. i think it's the fact that i actually don't mind being transparent at all.  it's who i am and since i desire honesty, it only makes sense that i'm honest. never mind the fact that i'm a terrible liar.  what's the most important difference though? that i absolutely don't mind being different in the first place.

day 21 challenge

a picture of something that makes me happy...just one picture?

one picture isn't enough so i'll add two pictures that represent the same thing.

these two pictures are like the series finale of my undergraduate career.  i met the two girls in the first picture in 2004 as a freshman.  then i got pregnant with the little girl in the second picture at the beginning of 2005.  i dropped out of school. i dropped out of school.  i said that twice for a reason. that was the biggest decision i've made to date. i was supposed to be going to school to and i had dropped out, against all types of advice. now most people are going to say, "nobody gets pregnant by accident, you should have taken precautions." yeah yeah. you swear you have it all figured out but you don't. mini me was conceived on BIRTH CONTROL. unfortunately a counter effect of taking it with steroids for a pre-existing condition meant that it would no longer work, hence conception.  that smile you see is a walking miracle. she's that 2% that's in the fine print.  ::wipes forehead:: that was a big confession. i usually let people think i'm irresponsible or that i was so deep in love that i couldn't see straight but five years after the fact, there's no better time for the facts.

moving right along.

i graduated about three weeks before her and though i'm not one for ceremonies, there was no better feeling than holding my daughter's diploma in my hand. the baby that shouldn't have made it did and not only did she make it, she excelled.  i was probably happier holding her diploma than my own. my diploma was the plan all along so there was no surprise there but hers? that was miracle number two.  what i'm trying to say is that what makes me happiest is not necessarily my achievements, but hers. 

did you notice?

my entries have been really long as of late. maybe i have a lot to say or maybe i'm just doing the most. i haven't quite decided yet.  but honestly reading is one of the few activities, it might be the only actually, that demands all of your attention.  in turn, i am saying that i have high expectations of those who visit my humble blog.  why? because i know you can meet them. from the readers who just peruse to my biggest fan, i believe in you just as much.  thanks for visiting.

father and son moment

now this is just too damn cute. and since it's so rarely photographed, i had to do my duty of perpetuating positive, black male images in this world.

kissing and so much more

had an intense conversation today. one of those, 'separate yourself from this because it's about to go down' conversations. it was one of those honest conversations that you never expect but once it's done, you wondered how you got along without the answers you've recently discovered.

what did we learn?
1. men can talk about sex blatantly. [do you like when i play with your p....?] ask them to talk about their emotions and it's a roundabout excursion. [boy: i don't go to the movies with girls girl: why did you go to the movies with me? boy: i didn't mind] um. what the f.ck? you didn't mind? or is it that you actually like me? it's like pulling teeth when it comes to expressing their emotions.  but we just have to be patient because one relationship is not going to counter everything that man has learned in his 20 some odd years of his existence.
2. men don't like being treated like a piece of meat. who would have thunk it? we [women] don't like it either but we know the feeling all too well. this led us into how being attractive and personable can be both a gift and a curse. when you're attractive, people just think they have a right to hit on you and God forbid if you decline. if you're friendly on top of those good looks, a conversation isn't just a conversation, it's flirting.  um. i don't like you like that, we're at a get together and i'm just being social.  no flirting here.

since guys don't like kissing, i had to add this pic. i don't see who wouldn't like that

3. men don't like kissing. they can do without it. now, i'm having a FEMALE moment. i'm not a fan of kissing. in fact, i'm only kissing you if i'm sleeping with you.  [there's always exceptions to rules but in my defense, that boy caught me off guard]. anyway, if i do kiss you, i'm not sure what i'm saying, but i'm pretty sure i'm saying something. i care about you in some capacity. of course there's different levels for different people but the point is that if i kiss you, we're on some type of level. but are guys really not feeling anything when they kiss? it almost makes me not want to kiss anymore [well not really] but damn.  apparently kissing is a selfless act for the male members of the human species.  he just does it to make her eyes light up.  what a nice gesture for an insensitive one.
4. since i mentioned selfless, that brings us to a huge topic - how we view relationships. the anonymous caller thought i was a hopeless romantic. now i know some hopeless romantics and i certainly do admire them, but i do not fall into that category.  i'm way too deep into sociology and statistics to believe in fairytales, but i don't mind listening if you have one to share.  i think the best part of relationships is the beginning where everyone feels these damn butterflies that i have yet to witness.  the beginning is the best part because for some reason you like the other person without really trying.  you can't really pinpoint why you're drawn to them at first, besides good looks.  after you've established that you like them, i'm not so sure this is romantic.  it's more like you and i making a decision to keep whatever it is that we have, going. at least 98% of the time, it's a concrete decision to make it work.  the other 2% is like 'romance reserve' which is cashed in for valentine's day, birthdays, anniversaries and surprise moments reminding the other person you still give a f.ck.  most of it isn't romantic, not to me at least.  eventually we decided that romance is selfless, doing things for the other person that is a) either out of your comfort zone or b) something that they love, like kissing. and real romance is unique. yes the flowers and chocolates are sweet but knowing the color of my nail polish or knowing that i drink coke and NOT pepsi, is so much more personal.
5. you can make love without being in love, just know that whatever you're making might be the beginning of love in which your heart has not notified your mind yet.  which means that this great sex session might be the foreshadowing to some sh.t you're not even ready for or considering. either way good luck when it all catches up to you.
6. you don't have to give head seven million times to be good at it! quality not quantity. some of us are just really good at following instructions. some of us read the signals and if something works, we just keep doing it.  just because a girl/guy is good at it, that's not an indicator of promiscuity/repetition. just appreciate that you got lucky and quite honestly, how hard could it be?
7. if you can have sex, you can have a conversation. he/she has already seen you naked, the worst part is over. i can't guarantee every conversation is a going to be a good one but if you don't know what's going on, you won't know what to do.
8. girls rank guys like guys rank sports teams. sorry boys. you already know women like categories and we like everything to have a place. that's how we make sense of things and people.  if you're my friend, we are likely to go over passion, performance, equipment, creativity, dialogue and we rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. it sounds crazy but it's all for educational purposes.  we need to know. if it's a good time, we need to know how to make it a great time. sometimes, guys give us something to laugh about but our giggles are not malicious. we just learn how to work around whatever issue(s) that might have come up during the act. all we really want is smooth sailing and the only way to get that is to debrief over the sexual encounter and do better next time.  guys don't do the same thing from what i'm hearing. it's either good p...y or wack p...y. if she went down, that's a plus. if she didn't, she will next time. they go over any highlights and then the conversation is over.
9. don't burn bridges with hoes (his words, not mine).  they make for good entertainment.
10. bachelors have feelings. now i must admit, when he said this, i had to laugh because this was the same man that could do without kissing. since kissing and feelings have a lot to do with one another, i was confused by his own confusion but hey, i digress.

like i said, this was a long conversation and probably an eye opener for both of us. but the most important thing i learned was this: we were on the phone for two hours and twelve minutes and he loved every minute of it (his words, not mine) and so did i.

day 20 challenge

i'm on a roll today. it's the rain, i'm telling you. this post is where i'm supposed to describe someone i see myself marrying or being with in the future. this is obviously a set up.  if i even dare stand up to this challenge, i'm gonna hide under the covers right after i post this and turn my phone off.

exhales deeply.
right now...i was about to add two people to the list. two people that i consider the bane of my existence when it comes to love.  the alpha and the omega to my relationship experience however i realized that there was a time where i saw myself with either of them in the future. but as of right now, i think it's safe to say, that time has passed and i have absolutely no idea if it will return. the question is, do i have a desire for those relationships to come full circle and have round two? the answer is no.  if i never love them that way again, then i'll be absolutely fine. trust issues are cancerous to anything healthy [no pun intended, one of them's a cancer]. i've gotten to the point where i believe sometimes loving someone once is enough.  it's cute to wonder sometimes, like what if we meet again and fall in love but what ifs aren't what is.

i can't talk about marriage just yet but i only see myself with one person right now and that's because he's right in front of me [not to be taken literally]. let's give him a fake name. we can call him idris for now just because i have a crush on idris elba already. umm. just because i can see myself with idris doesn't mean he's perfect or anything. he just has some qualities that i like.  for example, idris has a very firm grasp on honesty but can also detect when i'm being too sensitive to handle it.  it's a very delicate balance that he manages to maneuver well.  i think i can see myself with him because although i like being swept off my feet, i like someone to keep me on my toes. i'm a fan of balance. someone i know put balance in perspective for me about a year ago and i've been trying to achieve it ever since. basically idris is good at balance.  is it a fairytale? not in the least. it's a pretty funny story but it's no fairytale. in fact, the first time we fight and it will happen, it will be EPIC.  honesty and passion can be brutal and neither of us are lacking in that department. another reason i can see myself with idris is because he sees me, right through me [shoutout to you nicki minaj].  now that i think about it, most of what he knows about me, i've never even said.  but liking anyone is a big step for me, it's actually the biggest step. everything else just happens on its own but liking idris? it takes a lot of control and i appreciate that he lets me feel in control without limiting the whole courting experience.  but other than that, i see myself with him in the future for the same reasons i like him now, which vary depending on the day.  now will it happen? who knows? i'll just have to keep living and you'll have to keep reading.

day 19 challenge

nicknames i have and why do i have them. rolls eyes. i don't know if they're nicknames as much as they're descriptive adjectives, some of them at least.
T - that's easy. it's just the first letter of my very unique name.
Tassy or Tass- also easy, that's about half of my very unique name.
T-baby - the baby part might be a spin off of weezy f. baby. i know i got it while i was working orientation with my gazillion students. they're affectionate to the point where it's sickening and i love them for it. and some of my friends have even remixed it into a song which is actually hilarious because they sing it whenever and wherever they see me. makes for some awkward moments for those who don't know what's going on.
Mama T - those gazillion students? i'm very protective of them.  their mothers/fathers/guardians trusted me with their children and i take that seriously. i'm their mommy when they're away from home and they know that.
Thin Mint - coming from my man friend [my platonic man friend] @jermsd55 who's just as small as me, ironically enough.
Sweetcakes - when i was born my grandmother wrote me a letter and she titled it, "Dear Sweetcakes" and the name stuck. i love it.
Bunz - thank you @abovethelaw5. i wore my hair in a bun for like two weeks and now it's been my nickname for three years. that's how things work out sometimes.

day 18 challenge

this weekend was a little busy. i knew the answer to this challenge, i just wasn't in a space to post it.  so here goes. day 18 challenge: plans/dreams goals i have. i might as well make a list because it's not that i don't know what to do with myself, it's that i want to do too many things.

-write a few books. i put that in the atmosphere a long time ago. wish it didn't take so long but it's so time consuming and difficult to write about a life i'm still living. i tend to get stuck on whatever chapter i'm on.
-go to beauty school. i've always had a knack for female empowerment. blame it on having six sisters but whatever the reason, i really believe that when you look good, you feel good.  it's a beautiful thing when you can help someone feel great about themselves.  they have a new sense of confidence and once they believe that they can do anything, they usually end up doing something.
-i've been going back and forth about this since i had my daughter but i think i want a boy. i'm pretty sure i do, but i think the requirements for a father are so important that i won't be able to deal with falling short...again.
-have a grown up relationship. no games, no drama. no hesitation. no babies we can't take care of. no bad credit. i want a relationship with car notes, mortgages, soccer games, amusement parks, vacations, ok this is sounding like marriage but you get the point. i want a grown up relationship and if i do it right, i only want one. i don't know when or how but i have time to figure out those details later. [did you notice i forgot love?]
-i would like to open a recreation center for school aged children.  i had a lot to do growing up but i could have done more. now most kids have nothing to do and they're doing less.  i'm a firm believer that our children can take over the world but someone has to give them the resources first so i want to gather up all my resources and hand it over to the next generation.
-i want to get a handle on this forgiveness thing people keep talking about.  i don't know how to forgive. i simply forget.  i don't know where i was when they were teaching forgiveness in Sabbath school but i had to have missed it.
-i want to teach, either high school or at the university level. that should probably come after my first book but i think whatever class i teach would give students academic freedom which there's not enough of.  when i went to school, i always felt like i had to have an answer but all i really had was more questions. sometimes there is no wrong or right, sometimes, it's whatever you think.
-my life goal is to raise a decent human being. so far, so good. mini me is intelligent, witty, compassionate and pretty funny. now all i have to do is make her play a sport and pay her taxes.

i'm sure there's more but the last plan/dream/goal of mine is to keep some things to myself. end scene.

english tea

i made the perfect english tea today and it looks just like the sky this morning, cloudy, warm but hits the spot anyway.  the rain is pouring outside of my window but not in the way that feels like God is angry with us.  it's more like a "God is just trying to remind us that we still have things to do in any weather," which only makes sense because that sunshine in the summertime had me spoiled.  i wanna say it's storytelling time, but i'm not so sure it's a story anymore.

i have a psychic in my life and she goes by the name of Chanel.  she has countless theories and predictions for the lives of the people that surround her and she usually hits the nail on the head.  we got to talking about casual sex, relationships and everything in between, and there is something IN BETWEEN.  we call it 'the middle ground.'  now, some of us don't know how to operate in the middle ground.
exhibit a: jane and john like each other enough to sleep with together.  he's attractive and his personality doesn't make her puke and vice versa but other than a few text messages to get their schedules lined up, the line of communication was never UP. they have good sex and on occasion, great sex. now one of them wants a relationship. why? based off of what? you've only seen him after the sun goes down. you don't go out, you go to bed, with each other. your conversation is minimal at best, i've had deeper convos with my ob/gyn. and it's not that you don't have things in common beyond the physical realm, y'all just never took the time to find out.  whoever wants the relationship has official failed at playing in the middle ground. casual sex is not for you and that's ok.  now, either you bring up the conversation of 'i want to get to know you better' or you understand and accept that what it is will be just that.  and if you're afraid of having that conversation, then chances are, you already know how it's going to go. shaking my head.
exhibit b: the first thing out of your mouth is "i don't want a relationship." gotcha. but we understand and accept [please note, it's one thing to understand but it's a whole other thing to ACCEPT, that sh.t takes time] that our sex is good enough to do over and over again. then suddenly after months of having sex, somewhere during pillow talk, you come to the realization that jane or john is actually a pretty cool individual that you actually want to get to know.  now we're in a predicament.  you said you didn't want a relationship so emotionally jane/john shut down.  this is only physical.  now with the introduction of the idea, you want jane/john to jump in your arms and say yes? nope. sorry, i'm not feeling you babe. in fact, i'm talking to someone else. i'm connecting with someone else on an emotional level that you are not entitled to because you don't want a relationship. wave bye bye to your consistent sex. pass my panties/boxers, i gotta go.

this sh.t really happens.  and i'm not saying the middle ground is easy to maneuver. a lot of times, people don't play their position because they simply don't know what their position is.  you have to communicate these things.  now me? i'm a fan of the middle ground, in fact, i'm the queen of the middle ground.  it's my comfort zone.  i like just having fun. but! and this is a big BUT, when i notice things changing, emotionally at least, i'm not afraid to have the conversation about moving on or moving forward.  feelings have been known to invade the middle ground space and that's ok.  it happens. one day you're just texting times to meet up, the next you're showing up at my job to have lunch. now it's not just sex anymore, i actually really like you. so what are we gonna do? as a matter of fact, i like you so much that i just want to focus on you so let's do that, let's be monogamous and then the rest is history because next come love, then comes marriage and then comes the baby in the baby carriage, in no particular order.  or you could be friends that stumble onto good sex and you definitely have to have that conversation because you OBVIOUSLY LIKE YOUR FRIEND, prior to the good sex so you might have something real, you might not, but you still have to talk about it.  the conversation is always awkward, it never gets easier but once it's done, it's done and you're responsible for receiving, understanding and accepting the information and then acting accordingly.  one awkward conversation can save you a lifetime of heartache, not that i would know or anything. cough cough.

i almost forgot the point of this. anyway, the middle ground can be dangerous ground. it can be shaky or it can be sturdy but the middle ground is a reflection of you, so if it falls apart, that means you fell apart first.  get it together.  even though as i get older, i'm starting to hate the separation of sex and love, but i can't forget the lessons its taught me.  we cannot get mad at another person for not caring about our emotions if they are not aware of those emotions.  we scream for people to be upfront with us, but then we get in the mirror and ignore what's right there.

and honestly, if we're going to deal with someone, can we NOT do the 'i'm not looking for a relationship' or 'i am looking for a relationship" disclaimers.  the truth is, until i get to know you, i won't know what i want from you or what i want to give to you.  let's just take it day by day and when something significant enough happens [example given: i genuinely want to take care of you even though you have the flu or oops i got you pregnant or you look just as good in the daytime as in the nighttime] then we can have the conversation where each of us has a vote, move on or move forward. everyone in agreement say 'aye.'  court is adjourned.

right through me

i'm not a fan of nicki minaj and i've never claimed to be. her forced jamaican accent, the costumes and the glitz with the overdose of glamour really isn't my thing.  but i like some of her stuff though. when she goes hard and she finds her place between lil kim and foxy brown, that's what i like to hear.  but then again that's because i like rap when it's in the raw form like freestyles on the sidewalk with a n.gga beatboxing on the side. but this song has grown on me for whatever reason despite the obvious autotune.  i'm a little curious to hear her album this november because apparently, she's doing something different.  from interviews, she's taking a more serious approach to her rap career now that she has our attention. go for it.

this song in particular? i haven't met a girl that doesn't know what she's talking about. respect.

the 3 p's of crazy

"Passion, Pain and Pleasure," was released by Trey Songz on September 14, 2010.  the official numbers haven't come in yet but apparently it has become his most successful album to date.  where does the mania for Trey Songz come from? could it be his sex appeal or is what he's singing about really relevant to his peer group?  this week alone, i've listened to three radio interviews with him and previewed the album on his myspace page. hearing the album after learning how the album is made allows for a totally different insight.
trey admitted that his previous album, Ready, was a a pivotal point in his career and before "Passion, Pain and Pleasure," it was his most successful album to date.  this time around, he attributed his large fan base for giving him the space and the support to try some new things.  Ready is very different for any other material he's put out.  it sounds like a very personal album walking his listeners through what his life has been like, the good, the bad and the ugly.  maybe it's just because trey and i are in the same age group but a lot of what he is singing about is what we're currently going through. break ups, make ups and possibilities basically compromise the average [and i hate using the word average] 24-30 year old's relationship status.
this is not a record strictly for the radio.  it's a coming of age record, a record you can play while you're in a situation as opposed to coming out of one.  the arrangement flows well and it's something for both men and women, which we all know is rare since we never agree on anything.

he's grown up and for the first time, it feels like we all are. 

making love with the right ingredients

i have a headache but i have to write this. i'm starting to believe the next passage is trying to force its way out of my spirit despite my exhaustion and my hesitation.

i don't believe in talking about 'my' sex. it's one of those private things that i actually cherish.  i've always had certain rules and ideas about it to pace myself to keep my heart and vagina out of trouble.  as i've gotten older, i've kept my love life in order with these rules. 1. sometimes you have to keep your love and your sex very separate. why? because sometimes what the body wants, the soul does not need.  2. sex with someone you love cannot be the same with someone you like. 3. at this point, stop having sex altogether because trying to separate pieces of yourself will never make you whole.

i'll just begin to describe this predicament.
all day we stole pieces of time to brush against one another's skin.  the sunlight felt warm against my arms and his smile balanced on the sun's rays like only beams could.  i wanted to look up at him like toddlers do at stars from their beds, but i held my head down. i held my head down because his eyes in combination with his voice could do something to me that could melt my vocal chords into tears.  he is the most handsome man i've ever seen.  and we all know handsome men, but to me, he is THEE most handsome man.  his complexion, his build, his eyes, his stature, his voice does something to my dna, because biologically, i'm drawn to him.  for reasons unbeknownst to me, he looks damn good.
he walked beside me, and stride by stride, i found myself in no hurry to catch up to him.  i was enjoying the view of his feet hitting the pavement. his stride was smooth like ice in a glass of scotch which would explain why the mere thought of him inebriates me.
he pulled me close to him and i fit smoothly into the nook of his ribs like the one eve borrowed from adam. his scent put me in the mind of summertime, my favorite time of the year.  when i inhaled him, all i could think of was sand between my toes and glistening waters cooling my bronzed skin.  he made me warm inside and i could never look up because i didn't want him to see that radiating from my pores.
when he put his lips on mine, the house went quiet.  the sun had set for the evening's activities.  the trees' branches danced along the windows, playing the melodies of anticipation.  i laid on the bed looking up at his body hovering over me.  his shadows cast over my bare soul and he kissed me again and again until my taste buds went raw with an overdose of seduction.
now i can't describe what happened next, at least not enough to draw you into the experience.  and even in all my transparency, the blunt (the sex was great) version would never do this moment justice so you're going to have to weave your way through imagery and metaphors to understand the depth of this reality, ironically enough.
if you can imagine all the stars lining up perfectly to illuminate the earth equally from every single angle, then that's what it was.  every sense was triggered, every memory paled in comparison and every moan, slap, bite, kiss, stroke played an orchestra that can only be described as love making (but was it?).  it was like the eighth wonder of the world with an unprecedented glory that could make the moon jealous of the sun.  it was the eclipse of all things beautiful only because they're so rare.  even being a dancer for the majority of my life, i never witnessed the choreography of spirits, rolling into rhythms of pain and pleasure, toes pointed to a greater god that doesn't recommend fornication, but somehow let us find out about it.  his tongue spoke to the insides of my cheek and the ivory of my teeth welcomed the blush intruder.  there was nothing i could say. my words fell out my head like panties to the floor. like a woman's ever flowing river, some things just come quick. i sunk into the bed under his weight and it was probably the only time in my life that my crush, at around 200 pounds and over six feet tall would not actually crush me.  it is quite possible that later he might, but in that moment, the two bodies merged like lanes on a highway.  i saw him coming full speed ahead and i had to let him through.
and i wish i could get credit for wearing a seatbelt but what's precaution without brakes?  as i rotated and fixated on the adonis below me, because of course your positioning is only as good as your foundation, i saw ecstasy climb in bed with us.  between the fallen strands of my hair, i could see his face ridden with emotions we had not felt, owned nor defined.  yet and still, our bodies were saying something different, asking for something different, at one point our bodies were begging.  my pink fingernails dug into his brown skin with just enough pressure to let him know the strength of my pleasure without exposing his weakness.  we were careful not to break the flesh to expose the softer side of our transgressions.  phone conversations shouldn't get you this far and text messages shouldn't get you this deep but there we were with his witty words adding to my dictionary.  i moaned over and over again because funny enough, the dictionary left out sounds.  i rolled my hips like thunder as if his eyes were watching God work full time hours for a part time position.
we decorated the walls with articles of clothing and dialogue that could shame the inventors of sex. emotions lined his face and came through his smoldering eyes to see something that could not be spoken. it suddenly dawned on me that we were in positions we had not applied for, however as it seemed, we were the only eligible candidates.  he grabbed me by the nape of my neck and pulled me so close to him, i had to exhale my last breath. even in an unconscious state, two hearts beating to the pulse of perfection have no choice but to come back to life and i did,  more times than i can count.
needless to say, he moved in my spirit until my world stood still.  rattling the very insides of me, he awakened the part of me that slipped into a coma those many years ago when i had my first heartbreak.  he slid through all the veins leading to my heart and shocked me back to the life i decided not to live.  i had only liked him, but he showed me then what love is - when two bodies melt into one spirit and stay there.

i say all this to say that great sex is never a replacement for love and its ingredients.  though it's easy to mistake one for another given the basic function, the moment in and of itself is very complex.  just because two people are dedicated to having a stellar performance, that is no indication of being dedicated to one another.  but could it be that your bodies can foreshadow an event or an emotion before you mind catches on?  what if you can make love with only the tiniest morsel of it? maybe you don't need two years in a committed relationship and maybe you don't even need two weeks. maybe the purest sacrifice of one's self is the most naive.  could it be possible that love begins as any act, simple or complex, that involves you being so vulnerable to another person that you forget for that moment that you are an individual?  isn't love selfless? and if i gave every inch of self to another human being, isn't that love or at least the components thereof?
i remember vividly the times i've made love and on a purely superficial level, looking at the scenes replay in my head, the differences are barely recognizable, except for the faces.  in both regards, a sense of self was lost, rather given to someone i deemed worthy enough.  the biggest difference is that when i've made love, i've known in advance, i love this person and i'm going to give myself wholeheartedly. but in this fairly new situation, what could have compelled me to give myself so freely to someone without the mere mention or evidence of love? is great sex so powerful that it can convince us that love is not something to be made, but rather to be had?  like most things, it's rare we understand the worth of something or someone when it's in our hands. it's not until we remove ourselves from the situation can we get a glimpse at what we've just come across.  so, could it be that i was staring love in the face? could it be that sex and love are not as distant as we would like them to be?
i've discovered that you don't have to be in love to make love.  you simply have to accept the possibility of it.  whatever it is, you have to acknowledge it in some way, shape or form.  it is quite possible that the act itself is the beginning of the love and you only recognize the beginning when your somewhere between the middle and the end.  you can either make love or you can have love, either way, it's up to you to decide if when you open your body, if you will open up your heart as well.  if you decide to make love, gather the right ingredients. if you have love, simply hold on for the ride.
and if you're anything like me, it's ok to keep trying, one lover at a time.

rick ross

a sex tape of rick ross has been leaked. yes, i said rick ross. all i have to say is this, after all the sex tapes that have been released, you would think by now, that someone would have gotten it right. guess not.

day 17, i'm still here

i didn't forget to post, i've just been working on something.  it's been difficult to get through. and i have a good chunk done, but i don't want to put a premature version of it up, that just wouldn't be fair. and as far as my challenge, is this day 17? i think so.  if i could change lives with anyone, who would it be and why?
i would change lives with my mother, so then i could raise myself in a way that was productive to my sanity and beneficial to my dreams.


but on a lighter note, i'm still here even though sometimes i don't want to be. i show up to this thing called life every day, trying to fulfill something greater.  oh and let's not talk about how the Yankees lost two games in a row.  moving forward, my twin came up this weekend and it's just refreshing to have someone around that completely understands the struggle of struggling.


oh and a sneak peak of what i've been working on?
he moved in my spirit until my world stood still.  rattling the very insides of me, he awakened the part of me that slipped into a coma those many years ago when i had my first heartbreak.  he slid through all the veins leading to my heart and shocked me back to the life i decided not to live.  i had only liked him, but he showed me then what love is - when two bodies melt into one spirit and stay there.


wish me luck.

who are we appealing to?

had a conversation with the boys again. they tried to tell us girls that we get dressed for other girls.  maybe that's true. but i can't recall a time i put on 5 and a half inch stilettos with a form fitting outfit, flawless makeup and hair laid better than a drag queen in hot-lanta for another female. b.tch please and i mean that in the nicest way possible.  i am a woman that appreciates other women who upkeep their appearance. i have no problem complimenting another woman on knowing what works for her and executing it accordingly.  but when i get dressed, it's to make me feel good first and then secondly, attract a man that might potentially make me feel better.  like i said in an earlier post, looking good makes me feel good.  according to @danigirlbx, we stand in the mirror for however many hours, minutes to ensure that we absolutely love the reflection. then and only then, will we achieve the air of confidence we need to step out and be comfortable.  it has absolutely nothing to do with other girls.  and honestly, the reason why i believe it is this: without makeup, fancy clothes, high shoes or expensive bags, i was still born with this body and this face and i couldn't be happier about that.  we all know, once your happy with yourself, nothing else really matters. sorry ladies, you're cute and all, but so am i.

day 16 challenge.

yea i skipped day 15 but today requires another picture of myself. geez. i don't even like it. but that's me. plain jane mode. i look like both of my parents in this one though, thanks mom and dad.

adultery isn't very adult-like

"this is so wrong but it feels right."


for the sake of the argument we're about to have, 'mistress' will be a woman you are having a sexual/intimate relationship in addition to the relationship you're having with your girlfriend whom you assumed the responsibility of being monogamous.  i'm not going to talk about the kind of mistress who will f.ck your man just because she can. i'm talking about the mistress your man has a full blown relationship with.


i know a guy, well i know a few guys that have carried on two relationships simultaneously with a main chick and a side joint but sometimes the side joint is much more.  not a side joint like a jump off either.  side joint like he had feelings for both women.  he said he was torn between the two.  he cared about both of them and the only reason he was in a relationship is because one of them asked for it.  she didn't do anything spectacular, she wasn't prettier, she didn't cook better, she simply asked for what she wanted.  and he obliged only to find himself caught between two pairs of legs.  the amazing part about this story is that he managed to fulfill the duties in both relationships.  how is that even possible? where did he find the time? one of the best lessons my friend Beth taught me is that "some girls require much less."  so maybe she didn't require him to be there when she was sick or maybe she didn't mind text messages instead of phone calls or vice versa, either way both women were fulfilled.  the mistress believed he was torn and so did his friends and so did her friends. the two of them had an undeniable chemistry, in bed and in general.  watching them interact, everyone would ask "why aren't they together?" even she asked sometimes but she never wanted him to leave his girlfriend for her in fear that karma would come looking for her. if he wanted to leave his girlfriend, he would have to leave on his own terms, not hers.  he got himself into this mess and he would have to find a way out.  so the mistress stayed in this dysfunctional relationship for three years, battling with him and herself about why it was so hard to leave a man that wasn't even hers.  she loved him, probably more than he loved his girlfriend.  so in her mind, any piece of him was better than none. plus he was just as distraught as she was about their situation so they got through the pain together falling asleep in each other's arms only to watch him leave in the middle of the night outside of her window. every time he pulled off, he broke her heart a little more each time.  the point is that the day finally came where she found an answer to her question. "why can't they be together?" because he chose his girlfriend and no other reason matters.


he chose someone else to be his girlfriend, not you the mistress.  the minute she realized that him feeling torn was a dislike for the complication and not an admission of guilt, the floodgates opened.  though we have rules to live by in relationships, love is a different beast. there are no rules in love, you cannot decide how much you're going to love someone and you can't decide when, where and how you're going to do it.  the only thing you can decide is when you're going to walk away.  but sometimes, in the matters of affairs, we're too busy loving to realize the other person walked away first.

day 14 challenge

picture of my family. that's her.

day 13 challenge

a letter to someone who has hurt you...well by golly gee whiz...this couldn't have come at a better time.


i will leave the salutations out because i believe we've gotten past the point of formalities. we met each other at a crossroads.  and though i understand it's hard to walk away from something that feels right even when you're not ready, i don't believe that's an excuse for your intolerable behavior.  in your proclaimed effort to spare my feelings, you have only caused me more grief.  your lies, your omission and your blatant disregard for my feelings makes it hard to believe that you have any.  you've taken full advantage of my unconditional love while your love is filled with discrepancies disguised as happy times.  though i appreciate who you've been to me and what we've gone through together, the fact remains that you have not earned the love that i continue to pour out from the very depths of me.  i keep seeing a man i love instead of a man i once loved but it's so hard to separate the two when they wear the same face, when they have the same skin and when their lips are so identical, i feel like i'm kissing reflections. 

i wanted to be friends after i took my space from you. i wanted to be the bigger person because i had convinced myself that having feelings for someone who hurt me had somehow made me less than. it certainly did not, but i know that now, i didn't know that then.  and even when we agreed on friendship, you forgot that friendship included the very principles our relationship was based on - trust, loyalty and compassion. most of which you didn't get right in the relationship and as a result, this friendship is lacking.  it's your fault because you do or should i say don't do these things willingly, but it's my fault for even tolerating them.


i admit, i said and did things that were irrational.  sometimes i wish i could apologize but i meant every bit of it.  i wanted you to pay for every tear, for every nightmare, for every moment i had to question, for every time you saw me naked, literally and figuratively. i wanted you to pay for the time i spent in fidelity because i heard that a woman's virtue is a man's greatest glory and in my mind you deserved that. i wanted you to pay for everything i lost trying to find my way with you. i wanted you to pay for the nauseous feeling in my stomach when i got the phone call that changed both of our lives. i wanted you to pay for things that were invaluable, lost but never forgotten. and i wanted you to pay for the time it took for my friends to put me back together again because you left me in a million pieces in an apartment i no longer had the key to. 


for the record, i am not bitter or upset. this is not a movie and there is no angry black woman, just a woman who was lied to one good time.  instead, i am simply disappointed. do not get these emotions confused and don't believe for a second that i want to wallow in a pain that i'm somehow distorting.  i didn't make this up in my mind.  you were there, every single night. you loved me. you held me. you called me. you were a part of me.  your scent was painted on my flesh so fresh that i could close my eyes and still see you standing there in front of me.  i was a song your instruments played.  my body was simply an imprint of your own.  so i didn't make these last two years up, i made these last two years with you.  yet and still, i wish you well because i love you that much.  and even though i would never wish what you put me through on my worst enemy, sometimes i secretly wish that everything you love crumbles in front of you and falls at my feet. so then, i could at least show you how hard it is to put a million pieces back together again.


thank you for loving me but hating me would have been just the same.

day 12 challenge

how i found tumblr and why i made one.


i stumbled onto tumblr by way of the illustrious twitter.  i really wanted to have my own website and i decided to try tumblr to see if i like the format or if i wanted to stay right here on blogspot.  i ended up liking both of them for different reasons and two different personalities came out of it.  tumblr is the sasha fierce of my thoughts and virgin fingertips is the cohesive identity of my thoughts and my deeds.  i like it that way.  deep waters teach you how to swim but shallow waters let you catch your breath.

yearbooks and memory lane

guess what i found?? my 7th and 8th grade yearbooks!  going through them was intense.  apparently, i've been the same way forever. there were some touching comments especially considering i've known most of these people since i was four years old.  

my favorite comments from my classmates...

• i'm really gonna miss you girl. you put a sun above my ghetto gray skies. 1 love baby.  [ya'll know i have a penchant for the ghetto and its gray skies]
• you've been my geto sista 4 a while, matter of fact from the get-go. i luv you and you wil always be my sista no matter what. [what can i say? you bond in the ghetto]
• you've been real since the very beginning and i will forget that about you.  i like to thank you for always having my back.
• use your sense of humor and your gift storytelling to enjoy life, even if they don't become your career choice. [i told y'all i've been writing my whole life]
• you will make a great lawyer because you have plenty of life experiences. hope to see you in Vegas this summer. [glad he knew i had already been through a lot by the time i hit eighth grade and what business did i have in Vegas?]
• to my big sister, always use your smarts because you have them.
• you have always been there for me.  you always would tell me straight out how you felt when i didn't want to hear it. you are a true friend. 
• you were my friend and helpers since kindergarten to now.  i remember you tying my shoes and giving me homework answers. 
• i will miss your crazy funny, delicate self. [that's probably the best description i've ever heard about myself.]
• dear tass, oprah., the shining star!
• keep that star shining
• stay sweet

my mother did a great job at keeping my life as consistent as possible when it came to my education.  and i can always thank her for that.  there's something truly unique about being surrounded by people that know you and love you anyway.  it's also incredible when people are there to nourish your gifts and your mind.  i had the best teachers and the best friends for who i wanted to become.  i just wanted to write and i wanted everyone around me to just be happy with whatever they chose to do.  i believe that when you wish well on others, it helps you keep life in perspective.  of course, nothing has been all good, but honestly, it hasn't been all bad either.  i've just learned to accept that balance. this is not to say that i don't have flaws and i don't recognize flaws in others but i choose to focus on the good, so that it can eventually become great.  

genie in a bottle

yes i know my ponytail is at the apex of my scalp.  so what? it reminds me of the song, 'genie in a bottle' by christina aguilera. i love her. but when i just went over the lyrics in mind, she was onto something.
i'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way, if you wanna be with me, baby there's a price to pay, i'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way...

sweet tooth

rarely do i use the effects on my camera but this is actually pretty cool. the best part? you can't tell how pale i am. it's just a win-win situation. oh and the lollipop? i've always had a sweet tooth but usually i deprive myself so much that i end up going on binges. binges that get me so hyper that i crash and when i wake up the next morning inebriated on sugar, i find all kinds of candy wrappers and paraphernalia in my purse, my pockets, under my pillow, in my medicine cabinet. i mean it's utterly ridiculous and it would be embarrassing if i ever really accepted that emotion in my psychological arsenal.  so i decided to put myself in a multi-step program/checklist to deal with my addiction and to avoid diabetes at the same time. i like to call it the "operation: multitasking sweet tooth."

step 1. admit that i have a problem.

i have a f.cking problem.

step 2. decide to do something about that problem.

i will eat a LITTLE bit of candy every day as to avoid eating pounds of sugar every two weeks.  the candy of my choice? dum dum lollipops and twizzlers.  twizzlers don't even count for real because there's no sugar. oh and for the sake of my cavities and my pending root canal, i will NOT bite into the lollipop. my dentist would be proud.

step 3. put one lollipop in your bag.  i can eat it at any time of the day but that will be the only one i can eat.

step 4. the only time i am allowed two lollipops is if the first lollipop is a mystery flavor to which i do not enjoy such as "root beer" or "tastes so damn disgusting i'm not sure it's a fruit, much less a food."

step 5. if i eat a lollipop in front of my mini me, i must give her one too. if i am tempted to eat the lollipop and i only have one, i must hand it over to her.  because i have a high regard for her health, maybe it will help me realize to have some for my own.

step 6. as for twizzlers, three at a time. twice a week. in the comfort of my own home. it is far too intimate if anyone were to catch me indulging in the goodness of that classic candy.  it would be like letting you watch me orgasm...completely inappropriate if you weren't the reason for the orgasm in the first place.

step 7. the only reward for my good behavior is good health.

and just in case, you don't know how happy candy makes me, look...i'm in pure bliss.

reggie bush and the follow up

they ruled and they've taken his 2005 Heisman trophy.  but apparently Bush is focused on what he's doing now as opposed to crying over spilled milk. i understand but i still don't like it.

day 11 challenge

i know it's right after the day 10 challenge but i'm still working on my day 4 challenge...which is my terrible habit of procrastination. all is not lost because at least i'm early with this one.

a picture of me and my friends. we agreed it would be a top model pose. i don't know why any of us would ever want to be models considering that there's a brain behind those cute faces. but those are the ladies i came home to living in north philadelphia. honestly, the hood has some diamonds.

day 10 challenge

songs that i listen to when i'm happy, sad, mad, bored, hyped and mad.

um first of all, the mood that i'm usually in the most isn't an option...indifferent. hmm. moving along. when i'm happy, i can listen to absolutely anything with the exception of techno. when i'm sad, i listen to marvin sapp - never would have made it. speaking of him, his wife recently lost her battle with cancer, so if you could and if you believe, can you send a prayer up for her family? it's the easiest good deed you can do today, if that's your thing. when i'm bored, i sleep, so no music there. hyped? i wonder if hype is referring to the feeling you get when you're in the club and you're ready to have a good time. i would have to say lil wayne - ride for my n.ggas. :shrugs shoulders: and when i am mad, which is a rare occasion in itself, i don't remember listening to any song but if i could, i would listen to tupac - hail mary. "i ain't a killa but don't push me." actually i would listen to that at any time. my fault. this challenge was odd. i couldn't really tell if the music controlled my mood or was a result of it but either way, when i'm in my emotions, i'm not really searching for an instrumental to describe that. maybe next time i will.

yankee stadium

i was born in the South Bronx. i capitalized that for a reason. right off of Fordham road, below Grand Concourse and Jerome Ave.  you might know the name of my very popular home - Park Avenue, which runs all the way into the city.  i was on 183rd street in an apartment building with five floors and more immigrants than the Labor Day Parade in brooklyn.  the South Bronx had its own culture.  there were girls who snatched up their two inches of hair into a makeshift ponytail and then spread out the ends like the feathers on a peacock.  i know cuz i saw her on the bus stop every morning while i was waiting to get on the 41 with my mother.  i walked down the hill past the bodega saying hi to every kid in my building whose parents were too busy to take them to school like mine was.  i rode the 41 bus all the way up to Webster and Gun Hill Road in between masses of people.  old, young, employed, unemployed, when you're that young it all feels the same.  i heard young people talking slang unique to new york and even more unique to the borough we were in.  i struggled to balance between the shaking of the bus, the crowds of people and the weight my book bag held with my dreams.  always leaning into my mother, it's obvious now that the ride was so different for her.  this was not what she was used to.  she used to walk to school in the West Indies with her siblings and a bucket of water in tow.  she didn't have a book bag or a uniform or even a pencil sometimes.  whoever got a certain bone in the fish they had eaten the night before, would be the lucky one to attach it to a stick, dip it ink and use it in school the next day as a pencil.  but riding the bus up and down the South Bronx was the only way of life i had known.  trains running through the night, the occasional gunshots, car alarms and the never ending phrase, 'coco, mango, cherry' all served as vital instruments in the soundtrack of my childhood.

but one thing i remember more vividly than others is the pride and glory i acquired by being born in the home of champions, 27 time world champions.  there's two trips every class in the Bronx goes on...to the Bronx Zoo and to Yankee Stadium.  when you're so small, Yankee Stadium looks SO big. it's like the ruins of Rome before you know what the ruins of Rome are.  it's just massive and the only thing bigger than the stadium when you're looking up at it is the idea that you've inherited the same attributes that made them champions in the first place.  i don't have to tell you how special New York is as a city.  the streets are filled with ashes and pride.  we have overcome more than most including crazy cab drivers, 9/11, rush hour and the birth of hip hop.  it's a different feeling when you grow up in what we consider home and everyone else considers a world landmark.  that being said, Yankee Stadium is not just a stadium.  it's the home of the navy blue fitted, crisp with the fresh, white NY logo. it's the home of boom boxes and lady rappers, it's the home of beatboxing and breaking dancing. it's the home of ahmadu diallo.  it's the home of sean bell, biggie smalls, jay-z, fat joe, nas (it's his birthday by the way). it's the home of record breaking, the apple, the city that never sleeps.  it's the home of 600 home runs and 27 championships.

and where else would be an appropriate place for one of the the world's most successful rappers to host what is being called his most epic concert? there's actually nowhere in the world more appropriate than Yankee Stadium.  the concert has been advertised so heavily that my four year old even wanted tickets. along with Eminim, Jay-Z performed to a sold out crowd and will do so again tonight with special guest appearances and an audience that believe he embodies the very thing the stadium represents...EXCELLENCE.  here's a clip from last night's performance and i must say, that even though i'm not a fan of Nicki Minaj, she showed up ready to perform like the company she keeps.  so, without further ado, welcome to Yankee Stadium, where only the best perform.

day 9 challenge

something i'm proud of in the last few days.
finally looking for the job of my dreams, not the one that pays the rent. oh and i'm really proud of myself for talking on the phone for an extended amount of time for no other reason than i can.  and when i say extended amount of time, i mean four hours. never a dull moment.

superpowers

i was a sociology major in college and i never thought for a second that it would change my life but it did.  somewhere deep in my studies, started concentrating on interview skills/technique, data research and behavioral analysis.  i spent most of my time people watching for assignments and then working with people to upkeep my stiletto collection.  either way, i was surrounded by people and i studied them, day in and day out.  and now i have these peculiar powers that i cannot exchange and sometimes i would like to.  recently, i had a conversation with a fellow graduate in sociology about how the science of people has affected my life.
for instance, i find it hard to be vulnerable and open to new relationships because i am constantly reading 'him.' we're going to use 'him' for lack of a better term. i find myself forcing to maintain the balance between a conversation and an interview. i find myself trying to ignore his body's signals and concentrate on the words that are coming out of his mouth but if and when they don't line up, i come up with at least three theories, countless problems and possible solutions. that's what i was taught.  and now that's who i am.
sometimes, i want to be the naive girl who can't tell when he's lying or being withdrawn. sometimes, i don't want to figure out the pieces of the puzzle before he gives me all the pieces but that's what i was trained for and now, it's all i can see.  honestly, how do you tell the person you care about that you think they've been sexually abused or you think their childhood is having a negative impact on their intimate relationships? how do you tell someone that is trying to keep it all together for you that you've noticed how broken they truly are?  you can't or at least i can't.  and you know what's the worst part of it? when the science and the emotions stop running perpendicular instead of parallel and i know we're going to crash.
i interviewed one person i was intimate with. and all the science in the world told me he had messed up big time.  he had all the tell tale signs of deceit, omission, regret, shame, deflection but i still loved him.  i saw the crash and walked right towards.  and then got mad at him for betraying me knowing full well that he, nor the science betrayed me. my heart did. but hindsight is 20/20. and according to my friend, i'm still adjusting to my powers. but sometimes i want to bury them so deep so i can fall deeper. just for a moment.

weekends are for relaxing

went on a date with my best friend. she's pretty cool. actually we spent the entire weekend together relaxing, eating and having historic conversations.  we learned the following:
1. fashion night out in nyc is amazing and imagine, we only drove through it.
2. a sweet crepe does nothing for you except make you feel really bad about tasting SO good.
3. how good women feel about their vagina is the same way good men feel about their mind.
4. spoken word isn't always spoken.
5. love jones is not just a movie or a feeling, it's someone's journal and that someone happens to be me.

day 8 challenge

Day 8. Already. Short term goal for this month and why. I saw this pose, a dance pose. Words won't do it justice so i'm gonna post it when i get to my computer. But this pose is absolutely beautiful. The dancer or gymnast has perfect form and her body is a work of art in itself. So, I'm going to have to resurrect the dancer in me to strike this pose because that's how much it struck me. The picture is actually the background to my desktop so every night I work towards it. I might break my neck but it might just be worth it.

day 7 challenge

a picture of something/someone who impacts me the most.
unfortunately i don't have a picture of your reflection. yes you.  i am person who is impacted by people.  by their stories, by their hopes, by their dreams and by their losses, i am impacted by the people that i see, have the pleasure to meet and the blessing to love.  i guess that's why i was a sociology major. the science of people is tricky, saddening and inspiring yet abundantly filled with new lessons.

who fear is and what he does

i have a friend who's in love and not the 'head over heels' in love. she's very grounded in the decision that she's made to be with this man.  and i've seen them together. they are completely enamored by one another.    it's a beautiful thing really. and i'm so happy for her, to have found the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life.  especially because the rest of her life is a really long time, God spare life.  i'm not just excited about being in the wedding because i know i'll look fabulous but i'm genuinely excited that she's found the man to father her children and to cook her breakfast on mother's day.  ok, i'm crying now. but i'm so amazed that these two have come together with all of their amazing attributes [ambitious, intelligent, good looking, spiritual, compassionate, humorous] and decided to build something greater.  which leads me to my next point. i truly admire her bravery.  loving someone more than life itself can be deadly. but she wakes up and does it every day.  and me? i can't even kiss with my eyes closed all the way.  i'm too afraid someone is going to snatch me away from the moment for whatever reason.  to be completely honest, i'm terrified like children are afraid of the dark, i'm absolutely frightened at the idea of letting someone love me.  i can live with several moments filled with potential than live with one moment that failed.  it's a scary thing to let someone love me in all my crazy.  will he notice that i'm really sensitive? will he notice that i'm extremely pale when i wake up? will he notice that my eyebrows are uneven? will he notice that i have more secrets than this blog will ever reveal? will he love me regardless? and then love my daughter too?

they say every journey starts with a single step. but i say, when in doubt, stand still, until something moves you.

frozen like ice cubes
i disintegrate pieces of myself into you to quench your thirst
and you digest me never thanking the faucet i came from
i make your cup and your brow sweat with the beads of my wetness
and still you consume me without ever realizing my valiant efforts to please you while getting nothing in return
my coldness eases you
while i disappear into you, the fountain of my fear leans like the tower of pisa
steady, historic and towering over me and all the plants that wish to flourish underneath my smoldering shadows
i've stunted the very growth i need to sustain me
but my wavering stance has appealed to the universe and man has bent to my will
feeding the masterpiece that can never give her master peace
my fears are
False 
Emotions
Suppressed 
Relentlessly 
but i hope
He
Offers
Plausible
Explanations
so i can believe him, so i can read him, so i can bleed him into moments where even the dictionary is jealous of our dialogue
i hope to look my fear in the eye and ride him until the sun goes down and the moon comes up
over my head, between the strands of my hair and a new day begins, where he is no longer a main character, but an honorable mention...taking credit for what has been done, but amicably choosing to go our separate ways for the upcoming film.

day 6 challenge

day 6. favorite superhero and why.

everyday she wakes up and decides to save the world.

even as it falls to pieces while she sleeps, she wakes up with a renewed faith that she can do something to make it better. 

Tiffany Thompson.

my real life, modern day hero.

day 5 challenge

a picture of somewhere i've been. besides home, it's my favorite place. le louvre. in paris, france. their architecture is poetry. yeah i said it.