wisdom, the things we already know.

honestly, all of you can be inspiring, so be that.  tonight i talked to two people that have an effect on me.  one, i talk to ALL the time and the other, we talk in forbidden spaces, in crowded bars, midnight phone calls or instant messaging where the hidden messages never hit us instantly.  so tonight has been a dichotomy of conversations for me. my mind has hit both extremes, entertaining the constant and evaluating the rare form of angels mimicked in conversation.  the first conversation is always interrupted by laughter.  there are more giggles than words but when words do come out, the arrangement parallels the world's finest orchestra.  and i don't even know how we do it, until it's done.  


marriage is a habit and people don't practice it.  i take dating very seriously. at least, when i'm dating, i do. otherwise, i'm just talking about it like it's another class i paid for, but find every excuse not to show up for.  i feel like being monogamous, honest or timely are habits that we have to begin and then reinforce.  these things don't happen because of titles or newly acquired responsibilities.  they happen because we work for it. and when someone tells you they're not ready for the job, no matter what the benefits are, they're simply not ready and they will f.ck it up.  so my partner in crime, or rather my partner in conversation told me that, when i say things like that, they are monumental, wise beyond my years.  which only got me to thinking, maybe i've been here before and whatever i went through, brought me back so maybe this time, instead of just recognizing my wisdom, i've got to use it.  the anonymous partner in conversation also said that i use this blog to achieve intimacy without adding names on the walls of my vagina. ok he didn't exactly say that but he kinda did.  and he's absolutely right.  i've never glorified this blog and i don't plan to. no matter how comfortable i get with this gift of writing, it's always a little awkward when you take off your clothes in front of another person and that's what i do with almost every entry.  i give you pages out of my diary if i had one. and i really don't know why. it's probably because i know a lot of people who have a fear of being alone and/or lonely.  i get it. it's necessary for us as humans to interact and with so many people in this world, not every interaction is genuine, positive, endearing or uplifting. it's like we just bounce off of one another like bumper cars. but here or wherever you are, you and i are engaging in an intimate moment in the comfort of your own skin. you get to read me without feeling rejected, nervous or awkward. you are not alone.  somewhere, i'm on the other end of this internet connection connecting with you.  i know what alone/lonely feels like, especially in a room full of people. and i know that half those f.cking people are going through the same thing so why wouldn't we have a conversation about it? why wouldn't we talk about broken hearts, sexual assault, betrayal, friendship, first loves, racism, religion? why? because strong has always been more appealing than vulnerable.  and i see your comments, i read them over and over and over again. most times, i choose not to reply because i don't ever want to leave someone out and if i open the floodgates, the water will come. but i read them and i let your words run through me like my first kiss on a city sidewalk. i let your thoughts encourage me to encourage someone else.  and i let your inspiration manifest itself into something we can all feel.  i sort of went on a tangent leaving my conversation behind but the moral of the story is that, the conversations i have in parked cars are just like the conversations i write about every day, they are intimate, they are informative but most of all, they are your words and that in itself in inspiring to say the least.


as for my second conversation for the evening, well, i just had to exhale deeply.  he's one of my favorite people in my world.  but we don't talk often.  sometimes unfinished stories are better left as drafts because the hope that it will be great is better than the reality that it might not.  like i said earlier, every time i talk to him, it's like i'm stealing moments of time. it's like finding a two hundred year old book in a dusty cupboard and trying to read everything you can before it becomes a display in some museum your third grade class forces you to visit.  he's inspiring in a few sentences but what i like most about him is his complete acceptance of his dismay, even if it is with me.  he never pretends that talking to me is easy if it's not, yet and still he doesn't cross the line of friendship we've now created.  he balances well. one of my favorite lessons that he taught me was the idea of second chances. now that seems simple enough, but i've always been a one hitter quitter. when i'm done, i'm done and i never look back.  but he taught me that humans not only need second chances, but they'll probably need a few more.  he has a way of making the unloveable worthy to be loved again.  and i'm nowhere as forgiving as he is, but at least i know that it's a possibility.  but he's calm and deep like still waters. and his voice is like christmas morning in the islands, warm.  sometimes, i feel like i've failed him by not reminding him how the world needs more people like him around.  i feel like i don't tell him enough how amazing his heart is.  and so i told him tonight, 'you are an unfinished story. one of my favorite stories that i have to pause because enjoying it so much feels like a sin. you are a novel in a time where everything is quick and fast, spoon fed through technology.  i flip through your pages like each one is highlighted with a commandment that will bring me to the gates of heaven.  you teach me. and i take you in like oxygen because i remember the times you breathed me. you are significant and righteous. you are like the successor to a line of kings, your words are royal and your bloodline will only be epic.'  that's a lot to say to one person but when you don't talk for ages, sometimes you have to come to terms with 'if this is the last thing i say to you, then i hope these words can be the wings that take you wherever you're going.' 


what i have learned tonight is that humanity can be divine if we could only tap into it.  we are beautiful creatures that do ugly things.  and this free will that we were given has only trapped us into emotions we can't describe and actions we can't be proud of.  i also learned that we spend way too much time trying to feel these 'butterflies' without ever pausing to think that they were first caterpillars awaiting the metamorphosis of life. no matter how long it takes, they wait. they wait for their wings.  then and only then, do they fly.