making love with the right ingredients

i have a headache but i have to write this. i'm starting to believe the next passage is trying to force its way out of my spirit despite my exhaustion and my hesitation.

i don't believe in talking about 'my' sex. it's one of those private things that i actually cherish.  i've always had certain rules and ideas about it to pace myself to keep my heart and vagina out of trouble.  as i've gotten older, i've kept my love life in order with these rules. 1. sometimes you have to keep your love and your sex very separate. why? because sometimes what the body wants, the soul does not need.  2. sex with someone you love cannot be the same with someone you like. 3. at this point, stop having sex altogether because trying to separate pieces of yourself will never make you whole.

i'll just begin to describe this predicament.
all day we stole pieces of time to brush against one another's skin.  the sunlight felt warm against my arms and his smile balanced on the sun's rays like only beams could.  i wanted to look up at him like toddlers do at stars from their beds, but i held my head down. i held my head down because his eyes in combination with his voice could do something to me that could melt my vocal chords into tears.  he is the most handsome man i've ever seen.  and we all know handsome men, but to me, he is THEE most handsome man.  his complexion, his build, his eyes, his stature, his voice does something to my dna, because biologically, i'm drawn to him.  for reasons unbeknownst to me, he looks damn good.
he walked beside me, and stride by stride, i found myself in no hurry to catch up to him.  i was enjoying the view of his feet hitting the pavement. his stride was smooth like ice in a glass of scotch which would explain why the mere thought of him inebriates me.
he pulled me close to him and i fit smoothly into the nook of his ribs like the one eve borrowed from adam. his scent put me in the mind of summertime, my favorite time of the year.  when i inhaled him, all i could think of was sand between my toes and glistening waters cooling my bronzed skin.  he made me warm inside and i could never look up because i didn't want him to see that radiating from my pores.
when he put his lips on mine, the house went quiet.  the sun had set for the evening's activities.  the trees' branches danced along the windows, playing the melodies of anticipation.  i laid on the bed looking up at his body hovering over me.  his shadows cast over my bare soul and he kissed me again and again until my taste buds went raw with an overdose of seduction.
now i can't describe what happened next, at least not enough to draw you into the experience.  and even in all my transparency, the blunt (the sex was great) version would never do this moment justice so you're going to have to weave your way through imagery and metaphors to understand the depth of this reality, ironically enough.
if you can imagine all the stars lining up perfectly to illuminate the earth equally from every single angle, then that's what it was.  every sense was triggered, every memory paled in comparison and every moan, slap, bite, kiss, stroke played an orchestra that can only be described as love making (but was it?).  it was like the eighth wonder of the world with an unprecedented glory that could make the moon jealous of the sun.  it was the eclipse of all things beautiful only because they're so rare.  even being a dancer for the majority of my life, i never witnessed the choreography of spirits, rolling into rhythms of pain and pleasure, toes pointed to a greater god that doesn't recommend fornication, but somehow let us find out about it.  his tongue spoke to the insides of my cheek and the ivory of my teeth welcomed the blush intruder.  there was nothing i could say. my words fell out my head like panties to the floor. like a woman's ever flowing river, some things just come quick. i sunk into the bed under his weight and it was probably the only time in my life that my crush, at around 200 pounds and over six feet tall would not actually crush me.  it is quite possible that later he might, but in that moment, the two bodies merged like lanes on a highway.  i saw him coming full speed ahead and i had to let him through.
and i wish i could get credit for wearing a seatbelt but what's precaution without brakes?  as i rotated and fixated on the adonis below me, because of course your positioning is only as good as your foundation, i saw ecstasy climb in bed with us.  between the fallen strands of my hair, i could see his face ridden with emotions we had not felt, owned nor defined.  yet and still, our bodies were saying something different, asking for something different, at one point our bodies were begging.  my pink fingernails dug into his brown skin with just enough pressure to let him know the strength of my pleasure without exposing his weakness.  we were careful not to break the flesh to expose the softer side of our transgressions.  phone conversations shouldn't get you this far and text messages shouldn't get you this deep but there we were with his witty words adding to my dictionary.  i moaned over and over again because funny enough, the dictionary left out sounds.  i rolled my hips like thunder as if his eyes were watching God work full time hours for a part time position.
we decorated the walls with articles of clothing and dialogue that could shame the inventors of sex. emotions lined his face and came through his smoldering eyes to see something that could not be spoken. it suddenly dawned on me that we were in positions we had not applied for, however as it seemed, we were the only eligible candidates.  he grabbed me by the nape of my neck and pulled me so close to him, i had to exhale my last breath. even in an unconscious state, two hearts beating to the pulse of perfection have no choice but to come back to life and i did,  more times than i can count.
needless to say, he moved in my spirit until my world stood still.  rattling the very insides of me, he awakened the part of me that slipped into a coma those many years ago when i had my first heartbreak.  he slid through all the veins leading to my heart and shocked me back to the life i decided not to live.  i had only liked him, but he showed me then what love is - when two bodies melt into one spirit and stay there.

i say all this to say that great sex is never a replacement for love and its ingredients.  though it's easy to mistake one for another given the basic function, the moment in and of itself is very complex.  just because two people are dedicated to having a stellar performance, that is no indication of being dedicated to one another.  but could it be that your bodies can foreshadow an event or an emotion before you mind catches on?  what if you can make love with only the tiniest morsel of it? maybe you don't need two years in a committed relationship and maybe you don't even need two weeks. maybe the purest sacrifice of one's self is the most naive.  could it be possible that love begins as any act, simple or complex, that involves you being so vulnerable to another person that you forget for that moment that you are an individual?  isn't love selfless? and if i gave every inch of self to another human being, isn't that love or at least the components thereof?
i remember vividly the times i've made love and on a purely superficial level, looking at the scenes replay in my head, the differences are barely recognizable, except for the faces.  in both regards, a sense of self was lost, rather given to someone i deemed worthy enough.  the biggest difference is that when i've made love, i've known in advance, i love this person and i'm going to give myself wholeheartedly. but in this fairly new situation, what could have compelled me to give myself so freely to someone without the mere mention or evidence of love? is great sex so powerful that it can convince us that love is not something to be made, but rather to be had?  like most things, it's rare we understand the worth of something or someone when it's in our hands. it's not until we remove ourselves from the situation can we get a glimpse at what we've just come across.  so, could it be that i was staring love in the face? could it be that sex and love are not as distant as we would like them to be?
i've discovered that you don't have to be in love to make love.  you simply have to accept the possibility of it.  whatever it is, you have to acknowledge it in some way, shape or form.  it is quite possible that the act itself is the beginning of the love and you only recognize the beginning when your somewhere between the middle and the end.  you can either make love or you can have love, either way, it's up to you to decide if when you open your body, if you will open up your heart as well.  if you decide to make love, gather the right ingredients. if you have love, simply hold on for the ride.
and if you're anything like me, it's ok to keep trying, one lover at a time.