i have a friend who's in love and not the 'head over heels' in love. she's very grounded in the decision that she's made to be with this man. and i've seen them together. they are completely enamored by one another. it's a beautiful thing really. and i'm so happy for her, to have found the person she wants to be with for the rest of her life. especially because the rest of her life is a really long time, God spare life. i'm not just excited about being in the wedding because i know i'll look fabulous but i'm genuinely excited that she's found the man to father her children and to cook her breakfast on mother's day. ok, i'm crying now. but i'm so amazed that these two have come together with all of their amazing attributes [ambitious, intelligent, good looking, spiritual, compassionate, humorous] and decided to build something greater. which leads me to my next point. i truly admire her bravery. loving someone more than life itself can be deadly. but she wakes up and does it every day. and me? i can't even kiss with my eyes closed all the way. i'm too afraid someone is going to snatch me away from the moment for whatever reason. to be completely honest, i'm terrified like children are afraid of the dark, i'm absolutely frightened at the idea of letting someone love me. i can live with several moments filled with potential than live with one moment that failed. it's a scary thing to let someone love me in all my crazy. will he notice that i'm really sensitive? will he notice that i'm extremely pale when i wake up? will he notice that my eyebrows are uneven? will he notice that i have more secrets than this blog will ever reveal? will he love me regardless? and then love my daughter too?
they say every journey starts with a single step. but i say, when in doubt, stand still, until something moves you.
frozen like ice cubes
i disintegrate pieces of myself into you to quench your thirst
and you digest me never thanking the faucet i came from
i make your cup and your brow sweat with the beads of my wetness
and still you consume me without ever realizing my valiant efforts to please you while getting nothing in return
my coldness eases you
while i disappear into you, the fountain of my fear leans like the tower of pisa
steady, historic and towering over me and all the plants that wish to flourish underneath my smoldering shadows
i've stunted the very growth i need to sustain me
but my wavering stance has appealed to the universe and man has bent to my will
feeding the masterpiece that can never give her master peace
my fears are
False
Emotions
Suppressed
Relentlessly
but i hope
He
Offers
Plausible
Explanations
so i can believe him, so i can read him, so i can bleed him into moments where even the dictionary is jealous of our dialogue
i hope to look my fear in the eye and ride him until the sun goes down and the moon comes up
over my head, between the strands of my hair and a new day begins, where he is no longer a main character, but an honorable mention...taking credit for what has been done, but amicably choosing to go our separate ways for the upcoming film.
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