english tea

i made the perfect english tea today and it looks just like the sky this morning, cloudy, warm but hits the spot anyway.  the rain is pouring outside of my window but not in the way that feels like God is angry with us.  it's more like a "God is just trying to remind us that we still have things to do in any weather," which only makes sense because that sunshine in the summertime had me spoiled.  i wanna say it's storytelling time, but i'm not so sure it's a story anymore.

i have a psychic in my life and she goes by the name of Chanel.  she has countless theories and predictions for the lives of the people that surround her and she usually hits the nail on the head.  we got to talking about casual sex, relationships and everything in between, and there is something IN BETWEEN.  we call it 'the middle ground.'  now, some of us don't know how to operate in the middle ground.
exhibit a: jane and john like each other enough to sleep with together.  he's attractive and his personality doesn't make her puke and vice versa but other than a few text messages to get their schedules lined up, the line of communication was never UP. they have good sex and on occasion, great sex. now one of them wants a relationship. why? based off of what? you've only seen him after the sun goes down. you don't go out, you go to bed, with each other. your conversation is minimal at best, i've had deeper convos with my ob/gyn. and it's not that you don't have things in common beyond the physical realm, y'all just never took the time to find out.  whoever wants the relationship has official failed at playing in the middle ground. casual sex is not for you and that's ok.  now, either you bring up the conversation of 'i want to get to know you better' or you understand and accept that what it is will be just that.  and if you're afraid of having that conversation, then chances are, you already know how it's going to go. shaking my head.
exhibit b: the first thing out of your mouth is "i don't want a relationship." gotcha. but we understand and accept [please note, it's one thing to understand but it's a whole other thing to ACCEPT, that sh.t takes time] that our sex is good enough to do over and over again. then suddenly after months of having sex, somewhere during pillow talk, you come to the realization that jane or john is actually a pretty cool individual that you actually want to get to know.  now we're in a predicament.  you said you didn't want a relationship so emotionally jane/john shut down.  this is only physical.  now with the introduction of the idea, you want jane/john to jump in your arms and say yes? nope. sorry, i'm not feeling you babe. in fact, i'm talking to someone else. i'm connecting with someone else on an emotional level that you are not entitled to because you don't want a relationship. wave bye bye to your consistent sex. pass my panties/boxers, i gotta go.

this sh.t really happens.  and i'm not saying the middle ground is easy to maneuver. a lot of times, people don't play their position because they simply don't know what their position is.  you have to communicate these things.  now me? i'm a fan of the middle ground, in fact, i'm the queen of the middle ground.  it's my comfort zone.  i like just having fun. but! and this is a big BUT, when i notice things changing, emotionally at least, i'm not afraid to have the conversation about moving on or moving forward.  feelings have been known to invade the middle ground space and that's ok.  it happens. one day you're just texting times to meet up, the next you're showing up at my job to have lunch. now it's not just sex anymore, i actually really like you. so what are we gonna do? as a matter of fact, i like you so much that i just want to focus on you so let's do that, let's be monogamous and then the rest is history because next come love, then comes marriage and then comes the baby in the baby carriage, in no particular order.  or you could be friends that stumble onto good sex and you definitely have to have that conversation because you OBVIOUSLY LIKE YOUR FRIEND, prior to the good sex so you might have something real, you might not, but you still have to talk about it.  the conversation is always awkward, it never gets easier but once it's done, it's done and you're responsible for receiving, understanding and accepting the information and then acting accordingly.  one awkward conversation can save you a lifetime of heartache, not that i would know or anything. cough cough.

i almost forgot the point of this. anyway, the middle ground can be dangerous ground. it can be shaky or it can be sturdy but the middle ground is a reflection of you, so if it falls apart, that means you fell apart first.  get it together.  even though as i get older, i'm starting to hate the separation of sex and love, but i can't forget the lessons its taught me.  we cannot get mad at another person for not caring about our emotions if they are not aware of those emotions.  we scream for people to be upfront with us, but then we get in the mirror and ignore what's right there.

and honestly, if we're going to deal with someone, can we NOT do the 'i'm not looking for a relationship' or 'i am looking for a relationship" disclaimers.  the truth is, until i get to know you, i won't know what i want from you or what i want to give to you.  let's just take it day by day and when something significant enough happens [example given: i genuinely want to take care of you even though you have the flu or oops i got you pregnant or you look just as good in the daytime as in the nighttime] then we can have the conversation where each of us has a vote, move on or move forward. everyone in agreement say 'aye.'  court is adjourned.