day 20 challenge

i'm on a roll today. it's the rain, i'm telling you. this post is where i'm supposed to describe someone i see myself marrying or being with in the future. this is obviously a set up.  if i even dare stand up to this challenge, i'm gonna hide under the covers right after i post this and turn my phone off.

exhales deeply.
right now...i was about to add two people to the list. two people that i consider the bane of my existence when it comes to love.  the alpha and the omega to my relationship experience however i realized that there was a time where i saw myself with either of them in the future. but as of right now, i think it's safe to say, that time has passed and i have absolutely no idea if it will return. the question is, do i have a desire for those relationships to come full circle and have round two? the answer is no.  if i never love them that way again, then i'll be absolutely fine. trust issues are cancerous to anything healthy [no pun intended, one of them's a cancer]. i've gotten to the point where i believe sometimes loving someone once is enough.  it's cute to wonder sometimes, like what if we meet again and fall in love but what ifs aren't what is.

i can't talk about marriage just yet but i only see myself with one person right now and that's because he's right in front of me [not to be taken literally]. let's give him a fake name. we can call him idris for now just because i have a crush on idris elba already. umm. just because i can see myself with idris doesn't mean he's perfect or anything. he just has some qualities that i like.  for example, idris has a very firm grasp on honesty but can also detect when i'm being too sensitive to handle it.  it's a very delicate balance that he manages to maneuver well.  i think i can see myself with him because although i like being swept off my feet, i like someone to keep me on my toes. i'm a fan of balance. someone i know put balance in perspective for me about a year ago and i've been trying to achieve it ever since. basically idris is good at balance.  is it a fairytale? not in the least. it's a pretty funny story but it's no fairytale. in fact, the first time we fight and it will happen, it will be EPIC.  honesty and passion can be brutal and neither of us are lacking in that department. another reason i can see myself with idris is because he sees me, right through me [shoutout to you nicki minaj].  now that i think about it, most of what he knows about me, i've never even said.  but liking anyone is a big step for me, it's actually the biggest step. everything else just happens on its own but liking idris? it takes a lot of control and i appreciate that he lets me feel in control without limiting the whole courting experience.  but other than that, i see myself with him in the future for the same reasons i like him now, which vary depending on the day.  now will it happen? who knows? i'll just have to keep living and you'll have to keep reading.