friendship

remember my friend todd? he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. if you don't have a friend like that, find one and if you already have, hold on for dear life.  friends like this aren't around to boost your ego, they're around to remind you that your mere presence is sufficient.  i don't have to be anybody else but myself. i don't have to conform to what doesn't come naturally.  sometimes, it's easy to forget and you might need a reminder.

you don't have to guess who took the picture - ms. ramsay

speaking of forgotten people and things, someone asked me the other day, who writes this blog, t lloyd or (insert my full first name here).  i honestly had to think about it.  although they are not two different people seeing as i haven't been diagnosed as a schizophrenic, they are two very different sides of one person.  t lloyd is the outgoing side that loves getting to know people and their story and is addicted to fresh talent just as much as shoes and handbags. but (insert my full first name here) is much more introverted and private.  those lips are sealed.  i'm guessing that it takes both sides to complete this blog, this work, sh.t this life.

i believe that your sanity is something to be cherished and protected.  i won't be everything to everyone. i can go weeks without talking to the people i speak to everyday - not because i love them any less but because sometimes i forget to love myself more.  sometimes i have to take a backseat and just find what makes me happy and prioritize that.  listening to everyone is a skill but it is also very exhausting.  we are the energy we receive.  so after hearing about everyone's days, boyfriends, crazy mamas and financial woes, sometimes i just have to turn my mind off and resume this friendship at a later date.  i can say it's not personal but it is, it just depends on which person you're looking to blame.

for instance, i had an interesting conversation with the ladies this weekend.  of course the topic of discussion was, 't lloyd and why she's so damn crazy' - with love of course.  i am a very logical person when it comes to my own emotions.  it's very rare that i let my emotions get the best of me.  98% of the time, i don't give a f.ck.  there are worse things to be mad at or to stress over so i usually remain indifferent to most of life's daily nuances.  but some of my friends don't understand that or accept it.  i live differently and different does not mean greater or less than, it just means different.  to me, accepting someone is all encompassing.  i accept that you're always late so if you're late, i'm not going to get mad.  it wouldn't make any sense. that's you and because i love you, i'm going to accept that wholeheartedly which means i'm not going to punish you with my anger when you do what you've always done.  but my lack of emotions always leaves the conversation sour - like i woke up one day and said, in order to piss everyone off i'm going to be nonchalant.  i guarantee you, that's not how it happened.  i just am.  i'm sure there was an order of events that brought me to this point but even if i could break it down, i'm simply not willing to. me being nonchalant is the equivalent of me being brown skinned - this is who i am.  it's not to be malicious or disinterested.  it's just my way of calculating what's important and what's not and most of the things that people tend to get stressed about or mad at, is simply not important.  tomorrow we will still be friends, even if you show up to dinner late.  and in the event that i get sick and tired of you being late to dinner, we're just not going to dinner anymore. we're going to adjust our behavior to something that we can both do well with.  there's no point in setting you up for failure.

all in all, i gather that friendship is a two way street like anything else - whether you're walking or driving, you've got to move.