newsflash

apparently, you have to inform all of your belongings that you broke up with someone.  i typed netflix.com and the website said 'Welcome Back [insert common male name here]!' it was like a slap in the face.  i thought things had been made very clear over the last few months.  so in case you missed it like netflix did, here is what my publicist would say, if i had one...

good afternoon [with a tight lipped smile]

it is with deep regret that i am here to announce the official split between [insert common male name here] and ms. lloyd.  while they had a fulfilling and supportive relationship for quite some time, they have decided to go their separate ways.  during their relationship, they considered one another to be each other's best friend and better half.  since their needs and wants have changed, actually let's get real for a moment. [takes heels off and gets comfortable at the podium] relationships are verbal agreements that can be considered contracts.  in the contract between my client and the man mentioned above, there were certain stipulations that were violated without her knowledge.  when ms. lloyd became aware of the transgressions, the confrontation began and lasted for nearly three months.  there was a lot of anger, betrayal and inconsiderate actions and words exchanged.  upon further review of their relationship and its expectations, both parties realized that what had been broken could not be repaired.  after a few months of not having any communication with one another and dealing with the separation individually, ms. lloyd reached out to discuss the future of their friendship.  in the meantime, both [insert common male name here] and ms. lloyd began seeing other people.  by the end of the conversation, they agreed to let their anger subside and take casual steps toward their once existent friendship.  after a grueling separation, many relapses and sincere apologies they have agreed on an amicable departure.  they continue to speak on occasion and wish the best for one another in all endeavors.  please refrain from any questions as they have decided to handle this matter, like their previous relationship - privately.  for any existing signs titled, 'welcome back [insert common male name here]!' ms. lloyd's only response is that, "he has not returned."

thank you.

**editor's note**
how can i say refrain from any questions when i put this on front street and mean it? i don't.  this is a very sarcastic retaliation to netflix for thinking he was still logging on to my computer.