there isn't always a pot of gold at the end

i'm finally reading for colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf.  i can't tell you what's taken me so long to read it entirely.  i've caught bits and pieces of the play when it was featured at my school and i've heard great things about it but i could never bring myself to fully invest.  i believe that books of this nature retain a sense of self discovery that i was just wasn't ready to endure.  i won't give away too much of the book but i will say every woman is identified by a color and as i read, i'm finding out that you need color to paint every picture, even the ones you don't like.

and i've finished the book. i could call it an emotional roller coaster but it left me sitting still. in shock, awe, despair, but most importantly, in love.  i want to tell you so bad what color lady i am, but that's going to have to wait for my own book.  it has to. inspiration has to mature into something a little more grand than dreams and memories.  there were some faces i recognized in between the first page and the last, some reminiscent of women i know and the woman i am.  the biggest appeal Ntozake Shange achieved with this choreopoem is the fact that the story never ends.  there is no denoument which is the french term equivalent to 'tying up loose ends.' [you're going to see my french creep into my writing because i believe in being thorough as much as being fluent].

the following are some lines that keep bouncing back and forth between my ears.  i won't quote the lady to the phrase because i figure this is about your identity for now.

this note is attached to a plant 

i've been waterin since the day i met you

you may water it

yr damn self

a friend is hard to press charges against

if you know him

you must have wanted it

a misunderstanding

you know

these things happen

are you sure you didn't suggest

a rapist is always to be a stranger to be legitimate

cuz it turns out the nature of rape has changed

we can now meet them in circles we frequent for companionship 

wit someone else we know

we cd even have em over for dinner

& get raped in our own houses

by invitation

a friend

she waz hot

a deliberate coquette

who never did without

what she wanted

& she wanted to be unforgettable

she wanted to be a memory

a wound           to every man

arragant enough to want her

she rose

movin the arms & legs that trapped her

she placed the rose behind her ear

& cried herself to sleep

ever since i realized there waz someone callt

a colored girl an evil woman a bitch or a nag

i been tryin not to be that & leave bitterness

in somebody else's cup

i had convinced

myself colored girls had no right to sorrow/ & i lived

& loved that way & kept sorrow on the curb/allegedly

for you/ but i know i did it for myself

i cdnt stand it

i cdnt stand bein sorry & colored at the same time

it's so redundant in the modern world

here

is what i have/ poems/ big thighs/ lil tits/ &

so much love

lemme love you just like i am/ a colored girl/ i'm finally bein

real/ no longer symmetrical & impervious to pain

but bein alive & bein a woman & bein colored is a metaphysical

dilemma/ i havent conquered yet/ do you see the point

my spirit is too ancient to understand the separation of 

soul & gender/ my love is too delicate to have thrown

back on my face

n my innocence/  waz a lover/ i made too much

room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff

why don't ya find yr own things/ & leave this package

of me for my destiny

one thing i dont need

is any more apologies

they dont open doors 

or bring the sun back

they dont make me happy

didnt nobody stop using my tears to wash cars

cuz a sorry 

i am simply tired of collectin

i found god in myself

& i loved her/ i loved her fiercely

those weren't grammatical errors. those were spirits speaking a language they own, not an act of editorial carelessness. it was for emotions we don't feel we've earned the right to discuss.  it was for being called man bashers when we've only been bashed by men. it was for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf.