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| leaves change. change leaves. |
every time i visit, i see ducks. meanwhile a little birdie [no pun intended] told me, "be like a duck. be calm, cool and collected on top, but be paddling like sh.t underneath." this has nothing to do with the story i'm about to tell you or it hasn't revealed itself. the point is that every time i go, i see ducks.
it was a long day running errands - cupcakes, returns, school parties, jury duty, early mornings, gas stations and one cup of vanilla chai. i had been on my feet all day without a chance to sit down and get inside my mind. i promised myself i would take the word hectic out of my vocabulary and then prayed to whoever was listening that if they would ever be so kind to bestow a break on me, i would thoroughly enjoy it. then my bag started singing and anxiety took over me. who else is calling me!? geez! if it's another email about a pta meeting or another text message about a ciroc induced coma, i'm going to politely throw my phone across the room. i dug through my brush, my wallet, my receipts and lips gloss and finally retrieved the most expensive grief i own - my iPhone. the name popped up on the screen and i simply exhaled. it could be that time stopped indefinitely or it could be those butterflies that women keep telling me about - whatever it was, it made me answer the phone.
within ten minutes of the conversation, it was evident, my rough draft of a prayer had been delivered, received and accepted. this break, whether i deserved it or not, was happening. i was finally in the good graces of the powers that be and thus i packed a bag. i can't lie. i barely packed and for a woman that translates into two pairs of shoes, one of which didn't even match the next-day outfit, foundation, but no eyeshadow, no pajamas and no extra bras or panties. it was indeed a 'what you see is what you get' mission. my weariness would perpetrate itself as comfort. it would take a wise man to know the difference.
my painted journey of concrete was accessorized by fall leaves and quiet raindrops. i tapped my fingers on the steering wheel to the melody of soca and the jittering of my anxiety. this escape could very well get me caught up, but with every mile, it was a risk worth taking. my phone rang and interrupted my thoughts. for the sake of this story we will name the caller Glory for the mere fact that Adele's song, 'Chasing Pavements' brings his face to the forefront of my mind. glory was calling me again, this time to keep me company like he was actively sitting in the car. so we spoke, spoke like we hadn't spoken all day and as if we weren't going to speak all night. nonetheless, his concern left me feeling less concerned about being in the dark, literally and figuratively.
when i finally pulled up to the front door, the familiarity took over my jumping nerves. i was there, wherever there was in his casual embrace. somewhere between taking my shoes off and putting my bags down, i left a lot of luggage behind.
now fast forward with me through a couple shots of tequila, flirtatious glances and the kind of rain that you watch accumulate on your window while wishing on a star that your dreams come true.
it went something like this.
he kissed me so deep i could hear my veins speak
breaking flesh instead of hearts, i didn't mind
as long as my heart beat
my hips straddled him while my face leaned over his
tracing the bone structure of a king buried between my thighs
pyramids were built in egypt but i swear i saw them in his eyes
un.
deux.
trois.
i rode the emotions like a mermaid
balancing between the past and the future, tap dancing with reality
so good that whoever we hurt, consider the debt paid
free of all strategy and sweating with pleasure
with lips like pillows, of course we talk.
"good morning beautiful," he said to me, with my hair scattered and my face as pale as the sky.
"good morning handsome," i replied. though i'll never know what his meaning of beautiful is, i was pleasantly surprised. me beautiful? lying naked, flushed with puffy eyes from the best exhaustion i've ever known didn't feel beautiful but since he said it, the least i could do was believe it. then i thought to myself, why would i second guess being beautiful if i didn't hesitate to call him handsome. it was then that i began to define what i considered handsome.
with the utmost sincerity, he is the most handsome man i have ever seen. when i look at him, i simply cannot see anything else. i can close my eyes and still see the bridge of his perfect nose, the dimples under his high cheekbones and the color of his eyes which could only be described as intense. when he looks at me underneath the longest eyelashes known to man and woman, i am transparent by the blinding stature of the man before me. he is handsome to me and my pheromones. this sh.t goes deeper than personalities and good conversation. he's the ideal and my dna agrees with me.
so there we were, this beautiful woman and this handsome man in each other's bare presence. this was anything but impressive. the courting experience had passed and we hadn't noticed. lounging in bed all day entertaining thought and repressing action, we sat there, flipping through magazines, tv channels and twitter while occupying the same space and not feeling claustrophobic.
if you ever need to find out how much you like someone, look at them while they're being insensitive or while they're overreacting and kiss them. keep kissing them. chase them. pour them a glass of water. hold them. sleep on their chest. do one, some or all. but if you can be there through the insensitivity and the overreaction, then you will choose to remain there. it won't be your favorite part but it's not the only part. you will realize that liking someone is about leaving your comfort zone to create theirs and if you are successful, then it's a comfortable place to be in for the both of you. i digress.
the day slipped through our fingers like sand in an hourglass with nowhere to go. time moved slow like relationships sometimes do. yet and still, while we were in our own world, the real world slipped in. i had let the outside world come in and steal my joy. letting someone's harsh words take a hold of my happiness instead of gripping the reality that they had no stake in my happiness had shattered our peace. though i tried desperately to keep my temper from seeping through my pores, my efforts went in vain. i was indeed human and my need to vent forced me to excuse myself into a hallway whispering into a cell phone about transgressions that i could not keep quiet. before i knew it, tears were streaming down my face as i tried to break back into the real world to handle real problems. suddenly, i no longer felt beautiful. the pale face he had woken up to was now flush with anger. the soft hands that caressed his face were now trembling from stress and the big, brown eyes that he thought were pretty were now bloodshot with tears from a well that should have went dry a long time ago. i was so caught up in my conversation that i didn't feel him walk into it. before i could exchange my tears for a colgate smile, he was in front of me. though he had seen me naked plenty of times before, he was truly seeing me naked now.
"what's wrong love?"
"nothing," i replied as i wiped tears away with my sleeve.
"you're crying, you never cry. something's wrong. talk to me," he said as he stood firmly in his place. he was not leaving unless i was coming with him, in a better condition than the one he found me in.
i kept my reasoning brief. i had given more attention to this conversation than it deserved. before he led me back into the festivities he said, "i want you to turn your phone off, just for now. i want you to enjoy this."
i listened. i enjoyed it and now i'm enjoying it. the honeymoon is over. tears are not fun. overreacting is not fun. insensitivity is not fun. but walking through those things hand in hand gets you to the fun part.
within ten minutes of the conversation, it was evident, my rough draft of a prayer had been delivered, received and accepted. this break, whether i deserved it or not, was happening. i was finally in the good graces of the powers that be and thus i packed a bag. i can't lie. i barely packed and for a woman that translates into two pairs of shoes, one of which didn't even match the next-day outfit, foundation, but no eyeshadow, no pajamas and no extra bras or panties. it was indeed a 'what you see is what you get' mission. my weariness would perpetrate itself as comfort. it would take a wise man to know the difference.
my painted journey of concrete was accessorized by fall leaves and quiet raindrops. i tapped my fingers on the steering wheel to the melody of soca and the jittering of my anxiety. this escape could very well get me caught up, but with every mile, it was a risk worth taking. my phone rang and interrupted my thoughts. for the sake of this story we will name the caller Glory for the mere fact that Adele's song, 'Chasing Pavements' brings his face to the forefront of my mind. glory was calling me again, this time to keep me company like he was actively sitting in the car. so we spoke, spoke like we hadn't spoken all day and as if we weren't going to speak all night. nonetheless, his concern left me feeling less concerned about being in the dark, literally and figuratively.
when i finally pulled up to the front door, the familiarity took over my jumping nerves. i was there, wherever there was in his casual embrace. somewhere between taking my shoes off and putting my bags down, i left a lot of luggage behind.
now fast forward with me through a couple shots of tequila, flirtatious glances and the kind of rain that you watch accumulate on your window while wishing on a star that your dreams come true.
it went something like this.
he kissed me so deep i could hear my veins speak
breaking flesh instead of hearts, i didn't mind
as long as my heart beat
my hips straddled him while my face leaned over his
tracing the bone structure of a king buried between my thighs
pyramids were built in egypt but i swear i saw them in his eyes
un.
deux.
trois.
i rode the emotions like a mermaid
balancing between the past and the future, tap dancing with reality
so good that whoever we hurt, consider the debt paid
free of all strategy and sweating with pleasure
with lips like pillows, of course we talk.
"good morning beautiful," he said to me, with my hair scattered and my face as pale as the sky.
"good morning handsome," i replied. though i'll never know what his meaning of beautiful is, i was pleasantly surprised. me beautiful? lying naked, flushed with puffy eyes from the best exhaustion i've ever known didn't feel beautiful but since he said it, the least i could do was believe it. then i thought to myself, why would i second guess being beautiful if i didn't hesitate to call him handsome. it was then that i began to define what i considered handsome.
with the utmost sincerity, he is the most handsome man i have ever seen. when i look at him, i simply cannot see anything else. i can close my eyes and still see the bridge of his perfect nose, the dimples under his high cheekbones and the color of his eyes which could only be described as intense. when he looks at me underneath the longest eyelashes known to man and woman, i am transparent by the blinding stature of the man before me. he is handsome to me and my pheromones. this sh.t goes deeper than personalities and good conversation. he's the ideal and my dna agrees with me.
so there we were, this beautiful woman and this handsome man in each other's bare presence. this was anything but impressive. the courting experience had passed and we hadn't noticed. lounging in bed all day entertaining thought and repressing action, we sat there, flipping through magazines, tv channels and twitter while occupying the same space and not feeling claustrophobic.
if you ever need to find out how much you like someone, look at them while they're being insensitive or while they're overreacting and kiss them. keep kissing them. chase them. pour them a glass of water. hold them. sleep on their chest. do one, some or all. but if you can be there through the insensitivity and the overreaction, then you will choose to remain there. it won't be your favorite part but it's not the only part. you will realize that liking someone is about leaving your comfort zone to create theirs and if you are successful, then it's a comfortable place to be in for the both of you. i digress.
the day slipped through our fingers like sand in an hourglass with nowhere to go. time moved slow like relationships sometimes do. yet and still, while we were in our own world, the real world slipped in. i had let the outside world come in and steal my joy. letting someone's harsh words take a hold of my happiness instead of gripping the reality that they had no stake in my happiness had shattered our peace. though i tried desperately to keep my temper from seeping through my pores, my efforts went in vain. i was indeed human and my need to vent forced me to excuse myself into a hallway whispering into a cell phone about transgressions that i could not keep quiet. before i knew it, tears were streaming down my face as i tried to break back into the real world to handle real problems. suddenly, i no longer felt beautiful. the pale face he had woken up to was now flush with anger. the soft hands that caressed his face were now trembling from stress and the big, brown eyes that he thought were pretty were now bloodshot with tears from a well that should have went dry a long time ago. i was so caught up in my conversation that i didn't feel him walk into it. before i could exchange my tears for a colgate smile, he was in front of me. though he had seen me naked plenty of times before, he was truly seeing me naked now.
"what's wrong love?"
"nothing," i replied as i wiped tears away with my sleeve.
"you're crying, you never cry. something's wrong. talk to me," he said as he stood firmly in his place. he was not leaving unless i was coming with him, in a better condition than the one he found me in.
i kept my reasoning brief. i had given more attention to this conversation than it deserved. before he led me back into the festivities he said, "i want you to turn your phone off, just for now. i want you to enjoy this."
i listened. i enjoyed it and now i'm enjoying it. the honeymoon is over. tears are not fun. overreacting is not fun. insensitivity is not fun. but walking through those things hand in hand gets you to the fun part.
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