prologue

i've come up with a few intros for the beginning of this book but my mind is always changing with whatever day i'm living.  if i had to publish it today, it would go as follows...

i am the martyr to my own deeds.  controlled by my own irrational behavior, i consider love my lawyer, the prosecution, jury and judge.  from all sides, i'm confused and looking at a lifetime in cages.  my lawyer has an illustrious record.  her clients have all taken long walks whether it was down the aisle or off a cliff is neither here nor there.  the fact is, she gets them moving.  clients who had gotten so comfortable standing still, she has convinced them that even the earth moves so maybe we, too should give it a try.  


we stand there, love and i, standing close enough to be considered comfortable but with enough distance to admit we've disappointed one another. i told her i wasn't coming back here and she promised me, she would take me far away.  but we're back. i cling to her inadvertently by clinging to him and she defends me to the grave i'm so feverishly digging.  today, the judge has eyes like my mother.  those disapproving eyes peer at us from her mahogany seat looking at love and i like children with average report cards - she thinks we should be doing so much better.  easy for her to say, she's never done her homework, much less ours.  i look back at my mother with a face she doesn't remember giving birth to.  while love tries to mediate between us, the silence is the only thing thicker than our tension.  while she wonders if i'll ever get it right, i wonder if she'll stop getting it wrong.  she knows i need to learn a lesson but she hasn't figured out that love is teaching me all the things she never could.