oxygen is not just a word, it's an element.

this is gonna be  a long post. longer than the others. cuz i feel like it, i need it at this point.  i'm into chapter 2 of EAT, PRAY, LOVE [the above picture is just one of two covers, the other cover has Julia Roberts on it, and there's an audio version that i hope is in the author's voice] by Elizabeth Gilbert [i posted her speech a little while back. the book is set to be a movie starring Julia Roberts and it comes out on my father's birthday, everything about this is supernatural]. anyway, i'm into chapter 2 which is really like page 6 because her chapters are short [which makes sense because length is not the equivalent of importance, depth or greatness].  moving forward, i'm into chapter 2 and i can already see that this book is exactly the reason why i want to write a book.

it is the ever changing experiences we go through to becoming women. [and i chose women because i am one.  i don't speak about men because i have a vagina and i have yet to raise one so i got nothing for you on that topic except this - if you're a heterosexual female and you find a man that makes you happy, return the favor] back to the ever changing experiences that we go through to become women that usually starts on the floor of a bathroom while you're crying to a god that you need about a man you want, don't want, have, can't have, you get the point.  basically it's when you seek divinity because humanity has let you down.  it's so obvious that we, or at least i have only appreciated life when i was this close [put your thumb and index finger less than an inch apart from one another] to throwing it all away.

i remember the day my life changed. and i remember when it changed again. and again. and again.  there's been more than a few experiences that have inspired a change. each change is a chapter and each chapter has a name. and for the sake of my sanity and their anonymity, the names have been withheld, because that's nowhere near as important as waking up on the bathroom floor, not knowing how you got there and not knowing how you will get from there.  and don't for a second think that these traumatic times make me a victim. no siree bob.  victims are encouraged to file police reports but survivors write books.  and so i'm going to write this book, even if it kills me, which it probably will.  because reliving painful things can kill you again.  but anyway, i'm going to write this book for every friend that has held my hand, for every single pregnancy that was unwanted, for every boyfriend whose great sex taught me to appreciate celibacy ironically enough, for every homegirl whose been cheated on, for every father that didn't know how to love their daughter, for every glass of wine that got me drunk when it hurt too bad to stay sober.  i have to write this book to explain the sanity i'm lacking and the crazy i've inherited.  i have to write this book for all the clothes i've burned in my bathtub, for all the pillow talk that i remember so vividly, for all the promises that don't matter because they weren't vows.

i have to write this book to take a hold of my sanity but recognizing, acknowledging and documenting all the insane moments.  and i've started the book, for all the inquiring minds.  but you just have to understand that it's going to take a while primarily because my four year old is resting on my shoulder asking me when i'm going to type her name [she was born self indulged but then again who isn't].  it's gonna take a while because i have to conjure up the sadness while i'm actually very happy, at least socially.  and it's probably gonna take a while because the creative process is still very much a process.  it has its ups, its downs and sometimes i lay myself off, you can blame that on budget cuts cuz a b.tch ain't getting paid for this.

[i shouldn't pick up the phone while i'm doing this but it rings so rarely, i feel obligated. just to get off topic, the anonymous caller was worth it. and while we're on this topic, when we're too consumed by what we're doing and what we want, think about those in the armed forces who sacrifice the very things we are consumed by to ensure that we have the life, freedom and choice to remain consumed by those things]

anyway, it's gonna take a while because there's nothing easy about documenting a life i'm still trying to live.  so even though i ask you to bear with me, you don't have to. lucky for you, you can stop reading at any time or moment, when it gets to be too much. but me on the other hand?  i had to live this life with no pause, no resurrection and no fairy godmothers.

end scene.