trust or lack thereof.

i know i can be complicated. complicated in the sense that i try my hardest to remain true to my feelings even when it hurts yours.  even though i want everyone around me to be happy, i'm completely ok in my madness and the only time i question that madness is when it interferes with your happiness.  that being said, i talk to my exes. just two. i mean that's all i really have when i look back on it. but i talk to them. not all the time. some of the time.  even i'm surprised when we talk.  why do we talk? clearly because we have something to say. something as harmless as basketball or work. sometimes, it can be something as crazy as getting back together but the point is we talk.  and we talk because at one point in our lives, we were each other's best friend, the person you woke up to, the person you called first if you didn't wake up to them, the person who was there for every doctor appointment, every interview, every birthday, everything. at one point, they were a reflection of self, two people that know me better than most.  so i think, the conversations held are simply a reminder of who i am.  it's like my dna.  you want to know what pisses me off? ask him. you want to know what can make me happy on a terrible day? ask him.  you want to know why i love so hard? ask him. you want to know why i can't love anymore? ask him.  the truth is that some of my deepest and even most entertaining secrets are locked in those two human beings. sometimes i talk to them because given a particular situation, they may be the only one who can ever truly understand.  that doesn't take away from anyone else, that's just our relationship.  i find it hard to even imagine how anyone can think that i'm capable of loving if the two people i've loved the most, i ignore. that doesn't even sound right.  and it's not to go over our mistakes and it's not to relive the past.  it's simply 'i've loved you and you were a big part of my life. so tell me, what's new in yours?'

is it insane to think that because things didn't work out, we can't speak or speak on someone's else's terms because they're insecure? should anyone have input on a relationship that didn't include them?  what happens when it's you? what happens if and when my next relationship fails and you want to call just to see what i'm up to and i say, "yeah i know i loved you and everything but someone told me to stop talking to you so later?" what happens then?

love is deep and like i said in an earlier post, there's something deeper than love that i haven't found a word for. whatever it is, when you really love someone and you can't imagine life without them, you won't live life without them, no matter who asks you to.  if and when i come to a point, where that lover turned best friend turns into a stranger, then that's the point that i have come to on my own, on our own terms. but until then that lover is still my best friend, still the person i went through unimaginable things with, the person i shared my soul with.  trying to keep me from the person i know best, loved the hardest and shared a life with is a slap in my face.  a part of him made a part of me who i am today.  so how dare anyone tell me that i can only talk to this part of my dna twice a month to make you feel a little more comfortable?  kill me now because if i can't remember the life i've lived then it's not worth living.